My story isn’t one of
love at first sight. We didn’t meet for two weeks after our first contact. But our
constant communication, mutual respect, and friendship allowed the attraction to
grow. It wasn’t rainbows and fireworks. It was butterflies and poetry. It was something
more enduring.
I’m always interested to hear a couples’ story when they
first come in. How did you meet? Sometimes I’m told, “we hated each other,” or
“our friends set us up.” Connecting the dots from that first sight to those
darkest moments is navigation over tricky terrain. I’m invited in to a tale of
vulnerable intimacy that weaves through moments of lightness and crosses
bridges of pain and fear.
Ultimately, when a couple sits across from me it’s because
they both want to reconnect. They yearn for that happily-ever-after-dream of
endless love and effortless communication. I always say that my magic wand is
out of batteries, but if two people have a drop-in-the-bucket of relationship
hope and are ready to put in the effort to rebuild their foundation I will do my
best to guide them to living their dream.
I’ve heard that “love shouldn’t be work.” Loving someone
isn’t work – it’s the expression of your love that is work. It’s work to meet
your partner’s needs and work to let your partner know when you have needs that
are crying to be met. On some level I believe everyone is seeking true love.
Here’s what I know: -
1. Love is an action, not just a feeling.
Here we
are back to the “work” of love. Many people confuse the feelings of love with
the actions of loving your partner. It’s not always easy to validate your
partner when feelings are diminished.
2. The feeling of love can be cultivated, even
if it wasn’t strong at first sight.
“I love him but I don’t know if I’m in love
with him” If you have a strong relationship foundation feelings can be grown.
3. Attraction is more
than skin deep.
It’s a lie to think there is a “type.” Most people realize that
skin-deep attraction doesn’t have a long shelf life. Focus on the qualities you want in a
relationship and see if your partner wants the same – create a mutual
attraction of connection and kindness that can sustain a lifetime of loving.
4. Decide to open your heart.
Coming back to the idea that love shouldn’t
have to be work; this is a lie. The action of love is work. Overcoming fear is work;
overcoming doubt is work; overcoming communication barriers is work. When you
learn how to address barriers to love you can push aside internal judgment and
open to love.
The love you want is possible. The relationship
you desire is possible. Turn off the romantic comedies and close the books on
happily-ever-after and turn to your partner and open your heart. Look at the
person. Identify the qualities that fulfill you and make your heart sing.
Create your own shared love song.
L
