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Military
families are experiencing frequent wartime deployments and other
military-related separations that put a strain on their communication and
relationships. These separations are stressful not only for military service
members that deploy, but for the family members they leave behind, in
particular military wives.
The wives said that the time leading up to a deployment
is an uncertain and somewhat powerless time. Wives often do not know when and
where their husbands will deploy, and they have many questions about how the
deployment will affect them personally, their spouses, and their families.
Although they feel some relief after hearing where their husbands will
deploy, the departure date often fluctuates, leaving family members feeling a
bit like they are on a roller coaster. Wives are also scared about the future
of their marriages (e.g., “How will we maintain our marriage?”) before their
husbands deploy. In order to deal with these unknowns, wives sometimes show
excitement and support for their husbands, while other times they distance
themselves by starting arguments, giving the silent treatment, or starting to
communicate their independence. Once their husbands deploy, however, new
issues arise.
During the actual separation, wives ask many questions
about how to stay connected to their husbands while also living their own
lives. More common is when wives decide to become single parents of sorts,
creating new rules and routines with the children (which may work during
separation, but can create transition problems later). Some wives decide to
explore new careers, focus on their physical health, or move back home to be
near family and friends. Other wives focus more on their marriages and
keeping their husbands involved in their lives by, for example, reading books
together, talking to one another each day, or scheduling to pray at the same
time. Although many couples can and do agree on how to deal with their time
apart, some couples do not. Wives might want more independence, while their
husbands don't want things to change too much while they are gone. Husbands
and wives should talk about what they want and expect during deployment and
be open to changes in their interactions, relationships, and their spouses.
After service members return from deployment, the
reunion phase is a happy time for most. Many couples take vacations together,
and experience a honeymoon period for four to six weeks. Although some
couples make the transition relatively easily, many of the wives we
interviewed said they had problems communicating with their husbands.
Military couples might find themselves struggling to know how, when, and what
to communicate with one another once they are back together. We found through
our research that when husbands return they struggle with what to disclose,
because they know they could be deployed again and do not want their wives to
worry or imagine similar situations in the future. The wives struggle with
what and how much they want to hear about their husbands' deployment, as well
as what to share with their husbands about their time apart. While some
couples agree to tell one another everything, other couples struggle with
this decision. Some husbands want to talk about the harsh realities of war
whereas their wives do not want to hear such things. In other couples, the
wives want to talk but their husbands do not.
Communication across the various phases of a deployment
is difficult for many military couples and their children. They often end up
communicating in the extremes (too much or too little, for example). Military
families should remember to use flexible communication that addresses their
needs at different times. There are several
online resources for families seeking information to help guide
them through the challenges of military life.
Military couples should also remember that their
difficulties communicating are not necessarily due to problems in their
marriages. Communication around and about deployment is significantly
affected by the military. When having troubles in their marriages, military
spouses might ask questions, such as “What am I doing wrong?” or “Why is he
acting this way?” when they should also ask, “How is being in the military
affecting our relationship?” or “Is my spouse in control of how s/he is
talking to me right now?” The military has formal and informal rules about
what can be talked about. Some information is classified, and there is a
culture of silence that might influence service members, particularly men, to
hold back from talking to their families. Military service members are given
the double burden of experiencing combat and not being consistently supported
in talking about it. Although when service members talk to supportive family
and friends they often deal with their jobs better, many of them don't feel
comfortable sharing their fears or negative experiences because they think
coworkers and family members might see them as weak. Family members, in
particular, can help alleviate these feelings by showing support for the
service member and giving them opportunities to talk without judgment.
Recognizing that communication is not entirely under
the service members' control should help military couples place less blame on
each other and hopefully help them navigate the stages of deployment a bit
easier. Each deployment phase has its unique communication concerns, and
each branch
of the military has its own support services for managing
deployments. Military
spouses and children can
also access online support services that address their unique perspectives.
By paying attention to these issues as well as how to transition from phase
to phase with flexibility, military families can better manage these
challenging separations.
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