Forgiving an Ex

How I learned to Forgive  my Abusive Ex Boyfriend

by Taraleigh Weathers

I found compassion and then forgiveness for my ex-boyfriend, Bob. He was physically and emotionally abusive. I in no way think his behavior is OK, and I don’t have any desire to see him again or let him know I've forgiven him. I know in my heart and soul I've forgiven him. Carrying around that bag full of anger is really heavy and I got tired.  

I started the forgiveness journey by taking a look at his life. His mom was the child of an affair between a very powerful man and a woman from the wrong side of the tracks. Bob’s mom spent her whole life trying to prove she was worthy. She was told from a very young age that darker-toned people were lower class than lighter-toned people. She told Bob he was to marry a younger Catholic woman who had blonde hair and blue eyes.

Then I come along into Bob’s life: dark-toned, older and Jewish. I blew her mind. She was certain I was there to destroy Bob’s life, and she treated me that way. Bob was torn between wanting to please his mother and his own happiness. This killed him, and he took out his anger on me.  

Knowing this was how I was able to find forgiveness. Bob was suffering. Happy people don’t treat people the way he treated me, and it's not the way his mom treated him. I felt compassion and forgave them both. I send them love and hope one day they can find happiness. 

Forgiving him and his mom was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I let go of the bag of anger I was carrying. I felt free and lighter.

After forgiving him, I was able to forgive myself for staying in an abusive situation for so long. I saw how I wanted to make him better, how I saw the best in him and ignored the worst, which is why I accepted his behavior for so long. At the time, I thrived on the excitement of the drama. But I wasn’t happy, if I had been, I wouldn’t have put up with a relationship like that. Eventually I was able to feel compassion for myself, and finally forgiveness came.

Forgiving myself was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I let go the bag of anger I was carrying. I felt free and lighter.

I’ve come up with seven tactics you can put into practice right away to free yourself from the burden of being unable to forgive.

1. Remember that gratitude is the best attitude.

Happiness lies within; it just gets buried sometimes. Instead of looking for happiness from outside circumstances or people, work on being grateful and bring the happiness out from within you. When you play the victim and focus on all the ways the world has done you wrong, you give them the power over your happiness. Start and end your day by writing down 3-5 things you’re grateful for.  

2. Pray.

We're all inherently good people. Happy people don’t hurt other people; only suffering people do. Pray for the happiness of those who have hurt you.

3. Act with love.

When people act with hate toward you and you respond with hatred, you're a part of the problem. You are a being of love and light. Choose to act that way. Think, “What would love do right now?” and do that. 

4. Find the lesson in everything.

If things are “happening to you” you might want to ask yourself, “What do I need to work on?” or, “What is this about?” Answer the question and get to working on those parts of you right away. There are lessons in everything. 

5. Don't turn to revenge.

Thoughts of getting revenge lower your positive vibrations. When you seek revenge against someone, you put your energy into them and give them the power.

6. Get some perspective.

If life is challenging, gain some perspective.  Whatever you're going through is just a part of your life, not your entire life. You are not your circumstances. This too will pass. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. 

7. Have a love affair with yourself.

Loving ourselves is the MOST important thing we can do. It's so important because we'll make loving decisions, and we have real love to give and to spread into the world. Imagine what it would feel like if you were as kind to yourself as you were to others.  It would be miraculous how much love you'll have to give.

Remember these ways to forgive someone, and use them to be free from the anger you’re holding.

Use them in case of a forgiveness or anger emergency.

Getting over a Breakup

50 Ways to Get over a Breakup

Deciding to dissolve a marriage or end a relationship can be one of the most painful times in a person's life. Like Paul Simon sang, there are 50 ways to leave your lover. You've chosen one of them. What's next is the process of relearning self-love.

This is a time ripe with possibility and lessons, if you're willing and open to receive the gifts that dissolution brings. One huge gift is the opportunity to remember aspects of yourself that you've forgotten. You may find that you've been searching outside of yourself for a love that can only come from within.

Many of us have experienced pouring our love into our partners, and forgetting to pour that same love into ourselves. A breakup provides the opportunity to choose to spend time taking exquisite care of yourself.

And for those who aren't going through a breakup, it's never a bad time to pour love into yourself so deeply that you have the felt sense of being adored.

Here are 50 ways to be your own lover.

1. Treat yourself to a massage.
2. Take a walk in Mother Nature, noticing Her bounty by focusing on the sounds, scents, sights, and textures She has to offer.
3. Leave one day a week completely unscheduled. Notice (and follow) the creative impulses that arise.
4. Call your best friend and share the qualities you most appreciate about him or her.
5. Smile at a stranger and breathe into the sense of connection between you.
6. Wake up at dawn to meditate.
7. Rub warm oil all over your body and then lay down and be present with the sensations that arise.
8. Drink a cup of warm water with lemon and raw honey each morning (this is how you love your digestive system).
9. Volunteer.
10. Buy lunch for a colleague.
11. Wrap yourself up in a blanket and sip a warm beverage.
12. Snuggle into your most comfortable chair and read purely for fun.
13. When you feel sad, scared, or angry, breathe into it and stay present until the wave of feeling passes.
14. Set an alarm on your phone to remind you, three times a day, to take 5 belly breaths and come home to yourself.
15. Take a leisurely bath (or a really long shower) using products that delight your senses.
16. Eat dessert slowly, savoring the taste, texture, smell, and sight of your food.
17. Practice deep relaxation at least once a week.
18. Spend time in the company of a wise teacher, either in person, by reading a book, or by watching a video.
19. Cultivate a new habit that supports your mind and body (such as yoga, meditation, tai chi, qi gong), and stick to it.
20. Put on your favorite song and have a dance party with yourself.
21. When you feel an emotion, acknowledge it to yourself and breathe into the place where you feel it in your body.
22. When you wake up in the morning, say aloud the things for which you are most grateful.
23. Dance naked to music.
24. Eat more foods that contribute to your felt sense of aliveness, and slowly stop eating those that dampen your energy.
25. Drink more water.
26. Try an activity that in the past has scared you.
27. Notice where you hold yourself back and start to live full out in those places. What would you do if no one was watching?
28. Express yourself as if each day was your last.
29. Forgive yourself for that one thing that you use to beat yourself up.
30. Read yourself a Hafiz poem aloud.
31. Chant or sing the names of the Divine.
32. Draw or paint the way that you feel.
33. Buy something that contributes to your experience of your own beauty.
34. Slow down.
35. Book a vacation and leave your phone at home.
36. Lie on your back with your legs up the wall until you feel completely relaxed.
37. Make time daily for stillness and quiet.
38. Notice those places inside that hurt and bring some love there.
39. Watch your favorite film (no multitasking allowed).
40. Cook yourself a nourishing meal.
41. Take a day trip to a new place.
42. Practice loving-kindness meditation.
43. Read yourself a Rumi poem each morning.
43. Forgive someone.
44. At the end of each day, appreciate something about yourself.
45. Write a poem to the beloved inside of you.
46. Donate to your favorite charity.
47. Love the parts of you that you've found unlovable.
48. Go to bed and wake up at the same time each day and notice the resulting vitality.
49. Put on your favorite song and sing your heart out.
50. Begin to see that everything that happens to you is there to help you learn.