3 Ways to avoid dating people who make you feel.................

By Lauren Capp

It’s been said that single people give the best dating advice, but can’t take their own. Despite being the queen of that sentiment, this longtime single lady has learned many things along the way. The most important thing I've learned in my many (many!) years of dating? To live a healthy life, you need to love yourself. And in order to love yourself, you must stop dating people who treat you like crap.

We’ve all had those boyfriends, quick relationships, or last minute Tinder dates that left us feeling hollow inside. These are the individuals who turn confident women into insecure beings and appoint us the title of "crazy." When the need to feel loved gets in the way of a clear head, the ability for someone to take advantage of you becomes effortless.

Don’t let love/lust take away from your own self-love. No matter how attractive or smooth-talking your date is, it's paramount that you continue to embody the confident, kickass woman you know you truly are.

Here are three rules to maintain your self-respect when the person you’re dating isn’t showing you any.

1. If you're second guessing whether this person likes you, it's time to end it.

The minute you start making excuses for why he hasn't texted. The minute you question whether he likes you. The minute that gross pit of doubt forms in your stomach. That's the minute it's time to move on.

You are strong and smart and beautiful and funny and amazing. You shouldnever have to wonder whether someone likes you, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Those first months (nay, those years) should be totally devoid of doubt when it comes to how you both are feeling.

Questioning whether your partner is into you is a slippery slope. Don't let anyone else determine your self-worth. The longer you hold onto someone you know isn’t into you, the more insecure you'll become.

2. Don't be the giver all the time.

Whether it's traveling to his place or always picking the restaurant, being the partner who makes (or has to make) all of the decisions eventually adds up and can leave you feeling like the relationship is one-sided. When you start to notice a pattern like this, it's time to take a step back and reevaluate.

To avoid playing games, communication is key. Talk to your partner and discuss that you'd like the effort to be reciprocated. See if they're willing to do the work. The person who is right for you will travel to the moon and back to see you for just a few minutes, no matter how busy their schedule.

3. Maintain your identity and friendships.

A confident partner will love that you have a life, friends and interests outside of the two of you. Listen, I get that it's difficult to make time for all of the things in your life you want to give attention to. And whether you've just started dating someone or are in a long-term relationship, independence from each other can sometimes be hard.

You're either head-over-heels in the honeymoon phase and can't stand to be apart, or you've been together for so long that it might feel strange to make plans separately. But maintaining a sense of yourself that isn't connected to your partner is crucial, not only for your own sake, but also for that of the relationship.

If your partner doesn't understand how you could make plans without him or her, can't fathom why you'd want to do something on your own, that's a red flag. If the person is right for you, he or she won’t keep you away from the life you had before, or from new things you take an interest in.

Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you have to share the same exact interests and friends. Discuss your passions and continue to keep them a priority. There's nothing more attractive than a hardworking person who has passion for life and friendships.

Because I am a single woman who has gone through the gamut of awful dates and experiences, I know what not to do now. Nothing good ever comes from continuing contact with someone who doesn’t respect you; it will never end well.

Dig deep and remind yourself that you deserve better. The right person will realize your worth and show you qualities about yourself that you haven’t already seen.

Dos & Don'ts of Reaching out to an Ex

By Julita Cardenas

After breakups, sometimes an amicable silence is what you both want. You’ve said all you need to say and acknowledged that it's over, and now you just want to move on.

But that's not always the case. What if you have more to say? What if you want to apologize? What if you want your ex back? There is no right or wrong way to go about this, but thinking about how the other person will perceive your communication can help you make a better decision.

Here are six do's and don'ts of contacting your ex:

1. Do be up front.

Be clear about what you want when you contact them. When most people get a message or voicemail from their ex, they always wonder, “What do they want?” They'll be curious to know if you want to rekindle the flame or just to clear your conscience. Be direct in your communication.

If you want to get back together you can call or email and say, “I’ve been thinking about you recently and wanted to see how you’re doing. I would love see you and meet for coffee.” If the goal is to revive interest, aim to spark curiosity. When you see each other, convey the feelings you had when you were together. If your goal is to clear a guilty conscience, say what you need to say, via email or on the phone, but don’t string them along. Hopefully they'll take the hint either way.

2. Don't worry about whether or not they'll respond.

Even if you're worried that your ex won’t want to see you, or they'll have a hostile reaction to contact, don’t let that stop you. You might be surprised to know that on some level that person might need to hear from you. If things were left unresolved or unfinished, they will also need a sense of closure.

Many people aren't comfortable reaching out to an ex for closure or to broach the possibility of getting back together. Their feelings might be hurt by behavior from the end of the relationship, when communication was hostile or avoidant. If important things were left unsaid, make the move. Initiate communication. It’s better to try to resolve something than to live with unanswered questions about the past. Saying what you need to say is the best way to move on.

3. Do be respectful of their current relationship status.

Consider the options. You might not necessarily know whether they're with someone else, so you need to consider whose buttons you might be pushing when you make contact. Think about how you would feel if your partner's ex contacted them. You probably wouldn’t even want them to respond. You might imagine telling the other person off on your partner's behalf.

So, it’s important to identify your objectives before reaching out. Do you want to be friends? Do you want to apologize? Do you want to win them back? If you ask to get together, you can say, “If you are single, I’d love to meet for drinks. But that if you're with someone else, I respect that.” Saying something like this will also give you an indication whether they're still interested in you. Decide based on what’s best for the other person. If they're happy with someone else, don’t be aggressive in your approach — even if you want them back.

4. Don't continue to contact them if they don't respond.

If your ex hasn't replied to your messages, voice-mails, emails, pokes, Snapchats, or any other form of communication, it’s time to chill out. They might not want any form of communication with you, especially if the relationship ended on a sour note.

Don’t wait for intervals of three to seven days and then try again for a balance of playing hard to get and not being clingy. Just stop. You can live with the knowledge that you gave it a shot, and then move on with your life. You tried. Don’t beat yourself up.

5. Do keep it light.

Avoid sharing too much emotion in a text or voice-mail. Sometimes people respond to this kind of honesty, but it's best to keep things casual until you meet in person. Remember, upon seeing your ex, you might feel differently about what you want. You might think you want to get back together, but once you see them, you realize the chemistry just isn’t there. Or, you might think you just want to get some things off your chest, but once you get there, you feel a strong attraction and want to rekindle things.

This can definitely be confusing. Unless you know exactly what you want when you contact them and have made what you consider to be an irrevocable decision regarding that, keep your communication light and be direct. Avoid pouring your heart out unless you think that is the best way to get your point across. When in doubt, assess the situation in person.

6. Don't wait too long.

It's important to be truly ready before you contact an ex, but it's also best to avoid postponing it for too long. They won't be waiting around for you. They'll be moving on with their lives. This doesn’t mean they'll forget you or resent you, but if someone else shows up and sweeps them off their feet, they're not going to let the memory of you stop them from taking that leap.

Time changes things. Six months go by and they have a different hair color and a Tinder profile. One year goes by and they have a new job and might be engaged. Seize the moment — if that's what you really want. Your desire to rekindle the relationship, start a friendship, or apologize is irrelevant if you never do anything about it.

Weigh the options. Decide which consequences you can live with and which you can't. Then just do it!

People-Pleasing...what to do instead

By  Shelly Bullard

When I started dating the man I’m currently with, we had an interaction that I’m pretty sure transformed my relationships with men forever.

He and I had been getting close over the course of a few weeks, and it seemed like an appropriate time for us to take our physical intimacy to the next level. I could feel his strong desire for me, and while I also felt desire for him, there was a little problem.

I didn’t want to have sex with him.

Not yet, at least.

It wasn’t because I wasn’t attracted to him. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to get close. It wasn’t because there was something wrong with our connection. It was just how I felt.

So I found myself at a relationship crossroads I think many of us experience: I could choose to ignore how I was feeling and fall into the role of people pleaser (as I’d done so many times before), or I could risk hurting him and stand by my truth.

Truth is where connection flourishes and real intimacy takes place.

My decision led to one of the most profound interactions I’d ever had with a man. Here’s what happened:

While cuddling at his place, I could feel my fear and discomfort rising, knowing I was going to have to tell him soon. So, I gathered my courage and started to share.

“I have something to tell you, but I’m really scared to say it.”

I scanned him to see his initial reaction. He seemed emotionally open and compassionate, so I kept going.

“I’m not ready to have sex with you. And there’s a lot of fear coming up for me as I tell you this. I’m scared I’ll hurt your feelings. I’m scared I might disappoint you. And I’m scared that if I do hurt or disappoint you, that you might stop caring for me or back away from me. But I don’t want to lie to you or to myself. This is my truth right now, and I have to stand by it.”

It was terrifying to say those words to him, but it also felt like such a weight had lifted. I was proud to stand by myself like that — to honor my truth! And I was completely shocked by how he responded.

“Shelly,” he said, looking me directly in the eye, unwavering, “the only thing I want from you is your truth. I don’t want your ‘yes.’ I don’t want your ‘no.’ I want what’s real for you.”

I’m pretty sure my mouth dropped open at that point. I was beautifully stunned.

He continued, “When you’re in your truth, I get to be connected with you. But if you fall away from your truth — if you do something that you don’t want to do, just to make me happy — then our connection gets lost. Your truth is how I’m able to connect with you, and that’s what I want.”

Whoa.

I was blown away.

I stared at him, speechless, taking in the immensity of what he had just said. This was a huge gift — and a paradigm shift, no doubt. I realized how significant this interaction was — not only for me but for couples everywhere. His words were so simple yet so profound. I think there are lessons for everyone in that.

Truth is how we stay connected.

Truth is how we grow our intimacy.

Truth is the only way for us to feel known by the people we care about.

Truth is where deep love is formed.

When we focus on pleasing others — which I’ve done my whole life and you might have, too — we lose contact with ourselves. We ignore our truths. We ignore our inner knowing. And therefore, we automatically lose contact with the other person.

You can’t feel connected to someone else if you aren’t connected to yourself. That’s what makes the urge to please others so crazy! It’s a tactic we use to create connection, but it has the opposite effect.

Our sneaky egos tell us, “If you do what he likes, then he’ll like you.” Sure, there’s logic there.

So we follow that impulse, we disconnect from ourselves, we try to be liked, and eventually, we feel disconnected from everything: from our partners, ourselves, the relationship, and even love itself.

That’s not all. When we try to be pleasers, we don’t give our partners the opportunity to know who we really are. We hide ourselves away and wonder why we don’t feel known or loved. The reason is simple: We aren’t showing up in our truth.

Truth is where connection flourishes and real intimacy takes place. It’s a lesson that I’m practicing today, and it’s a lesson I want to offer you, too.

The next time you find yourself at a similar crossroads — where you can take the path of least resistance, or be brave and honor your truth — I encourage you to choose truth.

You might be surprised at the depth of intimacy that’s on the other side of being real.

Please leave a comment below telling us about how people-pleasing has sabotaged your connection with others and how you’re going to honor your truth even more, starting today.

Can "Responsible Forgiveness" Help Couples Rebuild Trust?

• Can "Responsible Forgiveness" Help Couples Rebuild Trust?

 Megan Lundgren, LMFT

It’s a question that is asked daily in marriage counseling practices around the country: "Can trust be re-built?"

More specifically, is genuine forgiveness possible in marital relationships? Can individuals in a relationship truly experience trust in their partner after painful or repeated violations of trust? *

There are many kinds of actions or events that can result in breaches of trust in marriage, from breaking a commitment to ignoring the needs of one’s partner. To trust a spouse is to believe that they will be reliable to make sacrifices for the sake of the marriage, often resulting in a general sense of reciprocity or give-and-take in the relationship.

Before exploring the importance of trust in intimate relationships, consider the alternative: what happens when individuals opt not to trust their partner after painful experiences? When individuals choose not to trust their partner after being hurt, they may cope with pain by putting up emotional walls and creating distance in the relationship. This boundary may feel more secure than risking vulnerability through forgiveness, since it is possible that victims may be hurt once again. And yet, under these circumstances intimacy in the relationship is not possible.

Terry Hargrave, Ph.D., founder of Restoration Therapy, writes in Forgiving the Devil: Coming to Terms with Damaged. Relationships, “One of my fundamental beliefs is that people are hurt by relationships and healed by relationships.” In Hargrave’s view, there is significant emotional resilience that may be fostered in individuals by working to rebuild trust in damaged relationships. By addressing painful histories rather than numbing oneself to relational pain through avoidance, individuals may themselves reap psychological benefits.

Dr. Hargrave asserts that in order for trust to be reestablished in relationships, both partners must be willing to acknowledge the damage in the past, and gain insight (often through psychotherapy) into how to stop violations of trust from continuing. Although past damage cannot be undone or necessarily forgotten, relationships can be salvaged when partners are willing to learn from their past.

Is it, at best, counter-intuitive, or at worst, masochistic, to not only return to the scene of the crime, but to re-enact scenarios with a perpetrator in hopes of an alternative outcome? According to Hargrave, the essential element that allows marital relationships to experience forgiveness and rebuild trust is the ability for the perpetrator to take responsibility for their actions and the resulting harm.

The person who violated trust in the relationship must give their partner reason to believe they will not hurt them in the same way again. When the wrongdoer accepts responsibility for the pain they have caused, and sincerely promises to refrain from the hurtful behavior, their partner is freed from the duty of holding the wrongdoer responsible for their hurt. For trust to be re-established in relationships, the victim must believe that the wrongdoer is holding him or her-self responsible to make the changes that they have discussed.

Forgiving and rebuilding trust in relationships means allowing the wrongdoer to commit to being trustworthy in the present and future. According to Hargrave’s principles of forgiveness in relationships, the victim of wrongdoing must make an intentional and informed choice to trust that their partner will care for them. An example of this kind of qualified trust is a spouse saying something like, “I was hurt, and you were the cause of that hurt. Although part of me wants to withdraw from our relationship to stay secure, I see that you are willing to take responsibility for your actions and are committing to not hurting me in this way any more. For this reason, I will allow myself to forgive and trust you.”

The emotional toll of breaches of trust can mean that the sting of past hurts lingers. The process of forgiveness must include each of these actions, often repeatedly:partners opportunities to learn from past hurts, the wrongdoer accepts responsibility, the wrongdoer commits to not hurting the victim again in this way, and the victim risks trusting their partner to care for them. When couples engage in this process of responsible forgiveness through marital therapy, victims of violated trust can identify and express their pain from the past, while also acknowledging valid reasons to hope for a different future.

According to Dr. Hargrave, the potential for individuals to trust after a violation may hinge on the individual’s determination of whether the violator of trust is willing to refrain from their hurtful behaviors in the future. When this occurs, the perpetrator assists in the victim’s healing through redemptive relational experiences in which the victim experiences a new way of being in the same relationship. In Hargrave’s words, forgiveness “is about coming together, after hurt in the relationship, to rewrite the story of love and trust in a responsible way that will make relationships strong.”

*This article is written for individuals who are not currently experiencing domestic violence, emotional/physical/sexual abuse, or addiction in their relationship. To seek professional help in addressing issues resulting from abuse or addiction in relationships, consider consulting a local Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. 

Loneliness

Loneliness.

You may have felt it at some point; it’s normal. It’s only a problem when you get the feeling of being trapped in loneliness; suffocated by it. No one can fill that void for you. It becomes a matter of you embracing the solitude and accepting yourself – give yourself time to navigate and learn from the experience and begin to love yourself.

A few tips:

1. Loneliness is a feeling

Your feeling may have become an emotional habit, but chances are this feeling has been triggered by an event that is happening currently or previously. Recognize it, accept it and awaken your power to change how you feel.

2. Be kind.

Be kind to yourself by expressing your wants and desires and choose a way to be kind to others. This action will create a sense of self-worth as you make a positive difference.

3. Identify your faulty thought patterns.

Pay attention to harmful thoughts and replace any negative self-talk with realistic thoughts or affirming messages. Mindfulness, meditation and exercise can also help you center yourself and tune in with your thoughts and feelings.

8. Accept yourself.

You may not love yourself or be ready to love yourself – so accept yourself. You are the only one who is capable of filling the void. Only you are capable of developing yourself. Accept and love yourself first so you do not become dependent on others to fill the void.

L

Deployments and Military Family Communication

By Erin Sahlstein

(Edited)

Deployments and Military Family Communication

Military families are experiencing frequent wartime deployments and other military-related separations that put a strain on their communication and relationships. These separations are stressful not only for military service members that deploy, but for the family members they leave behind, in particular military wives. The wives said that the time leading up to a deployment is an uncertain and somewhat powerless time. Wives often do not know when and where their husbands will deploy, and they have many questions about how the deployment will affect them personally, their spouses, and their families. Although they feel some relief after hearing where their husbands will deploy, the departure date often fluctuates, leaving family members feeling a bit like they are on a roller coaster. Wives are also scared about the future of their marriages (e.g., “How will we maintain our marriage?”) before their husbands deploy. In order to deal with these unknowns, wives sometimes show excitement and support for their husbands, while other times they distance themselves by starting arguments, giving the silent treatment, or starting to communicate their independence. Once their husbands deploy, however, new issues arise. During the actual separation, wives ask many questions about how to stay connected to their husbands while also living their own lives. More common is when wives decide to become single parents of sorts, creating new rules and routines with the children (which may work during separation, but can create transition problems later). Some wives decide to explore new careers, focus on their physical health, or move back home to be near family and friends. Other wives focus more on their marriages and keeping their husbands involved in their lives by, for example, reading books together, talking to one another each day, or scheduling to pray at the same time. Although many couples can and do agree on how to deal with their time apart, some couples do not. Wives might want more independence, while their husbands don't want things to change too much while they are gone. Husbands and wives should talk about what they want and expect during deployment and be open to changes in their interactions, relationships, and their spouses. After service members return from deployment, the reunion phase is a happy time for most. Many couples take vacations together, and experience a honeymoon period for four to six weeks. Although some couples make the transition relatively easily, many of the wives we interviewed said they had problems communicating with their husbands. Military couples might find themselves struggling to know how, when, and what to communicate with one another once they are back together. We found through our research that when husbands return they struggle with what to disclose, because they know they could be deployed again and do not want their wives to worry or imagine similar situations in the future. The wives struggle with what and how much they want to hear about their husbands' deployment, as well as what to share with their husbands about their time apart. While some couples agree to tell one another everything, other couples struggle with this decision. Some husbands want to talk about the harsh realities of war whereas their wives do not want to hear such things. In other couples, the wives want to talk but their husbands do not. Communication across the various phases of a deployment is difficult for many military couples and their children. They often end up communicating in the extremes (too much or too little, for example). Military families should remember to use flexible communication that addresses their needs at different times. There are several online resources for families seeking information to help guide them through the challenges of military life. Military couples should also remember that their difficulties communicating are not necessarily due to problems in their marriages. Communication around and about deployment is significantly affected by the military. When having troubles in their marriages, military spouses might ask questions, such as “What am I doing wrong?” or “Why is he acting this way?” when they should also ask, “How is being in the military affecting our relationship?” or “Is my spouse in control of how s/he is talking to me right now?” The military has formal and informal rules about what can be talked about. Some information is classified, and there is a culture of silence that might influence service members, particularly men, to hold back from talking to their families. Military service members are given the double burden of experiencing combat and not being consistently supported in talking about it. Although when service members talk to supportive family and friends they often deal with their jobs better, many of them don't feel comfortable sharing their fears or negative experiences because they think coworkers and family members might see them as weak. Family members, in particular, can help alleviate these feelings by showing support for the service member and giving them opportunities to talk without judgment. Recognizing that communication is not entirely under the service members' control should help military couples place less blame on each other and hopefully help them navigate the stages of deployment a bit easier. Each deployment phase has its unique communication concerns, and each branch of the military has its own support services for managing deployments. Military spouses and children can also access online support services that address their unique perspectives. By paying attention to these issues as well as how to transition from phase to phase with flexibility, military families can better manage these challenging separations.