Sunday, November 17, 2013

Knee-Jerk Negativity



Have you ever caught yourself automatically expressing criticism? Do you default to being contrary? Is your glass half-full but too heavy to hold?
Chances are…if you are a habitual naysayer you may feel yourself become someone you don’t like very much. The more you find fault with another person or idea, the more negative you become and then…the more you find fault.
You feel irritable.
Every little thing seems to annoy you.
What’s happening?
If you are not self-aware and grounded, your whole experience can become a series of reactive lunges, or knee jerks, to and from all that you encounter. You are free when you have enough awareness to notice your impulses and make choices to respond in a way that you truly want.

Interrupting this kind of knee jerk reactivity means pausing and holding yourself still. In that stillness you allow yourself to feel any aversive feelings and question - Will my reaction help me create what I want in this moment?
On a more complex level, knee jerk negativity also arises out of a drive to establish your sense of self. In doing so you hope to meet your needs for security, belonging, and autonomy.  Establishing a sense of self that is whole, integrated, and dynamic is a natural part of any evolving path.  However, trying to establish a sense of self by expressing what you don't like and don't agree with will leave you feeling empty and limp.
Take a pause…take the time to hear what someone says. This not only gives them a sense that you are really listening, but allows you to make a true choice about your response.  In that pause, you might find that you can be curious about perspectives that seem contrary to your own.  
You might come out of a pause and ask a clarifying question.
You might come out of the pause with clarity about your own needs and values.  You could then honor yourself and your listener and ask if she or he is interested in hearing your perspective.

The ability to find stillness and ask for a pause is one of the most important skills you can cultivate.  With this skill you can consistently make decisions that are in alignment with your values and your heart's longing.  With this skill you can transform escalating arguments into collaborative conversations that can respect differences

Practice
This week pick something that you regularly react to with negativity.  Some common examples might be:  other drivers, smoke outside your office window, a co-worker whom you dislike, your child pleading for more video game time, your partner talking about a challenge at work, noise from the neighbors, etc.  Choose one thing and set the intention to be still and simply notice your negative reaction and letting the intensity of it pass so that you can choose how you would most like to respond.

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