Monday, December 22, 2014

Why your relationships lead to growth

We read an endless supply of books that teach us how to be the most authentic version of ourselves. We go deep within to understand our needs, desires and longings. We become open to exploring things like meditation and yoga, if we think there's the potential for finding peace. 
But if you really want to grow and evolve in your journey, look no further than your closest personal relationships. 
The people we are closest to (and specifically our relationships with those people) are the greatest teachers for our lives. Each one of our relationships powerfully reflects back to us all the parts of ourselves that are strong, happy, compassionate — and those parts that need more growth and evolution. It's as if each of our loved ones was deliberately placed in our lives to become close with us, to provide us the opportunities to become the people we need to become in life.
Within the context of relationships where I am neither inspired nor challenged, I tend to remain the lesser, smaller version of myself. So, in order to grow into the woman that I am today, I actually had to leave behind the safety and security of the familiar. 
A man that broke my heart wide open taught me that when I really love someone, I don't hold back, even if it may hurt.
A friend has taught me a great deal about myself and connections at a soul level. She taught me that it is only when we can love, accept and forgive ourselves that we can then love, accept and forgive everyone else. 
My love has taught me that it is only through great honesty and vulnerability that you can have great intimacy and love. 
Everyone in our lives is a spiritual teacher. Their purpose is to expose our hidden parts. They're there to open us up to the deeper truths in our lives.
Our spiritual teachers are there to help us awaken, recognize and understand our own true nature; to bring about the core of who we are and to evolve further in our souls' journey. Who better to assist us in our journey than those to whom we're closest?
There's something divine about it all. 
So, as you spend time with family over the holidays and  feel yourself getting irritated pause and  identify the source of your irritation and then look in the mirror about what you're unconsciously hiding. 
As you reflect on the past year and realize you're still carrying a wound, see if you can identify what that person taught you. What do you know now that you didn't know previously about yourself? 
As you're wishing to create more loving relationships in the coming year, go within and ask yourself, "Am I willing to think about this differently or see a deeper truth in order to have the love I want in my life?" 

Friday, December 12, 2014

Authentic Living

By John Kehoe

People talk about living a happy life, a successful life, a meaningful life. But an authentic life? What is that? It's a good question, and one I would like you to think about.

Just as “a successful life” can be defined in many ways, so too can an authentic life. For example, some people will define a successful life as one where one has earned a great deal of money and become financially affluent. For others it will be measured by their accomplishments. For still others it will be in the service they performed for humanity. Others again in the amount of happiness and peace of mind they have enjoyed. I have long taught that each of us defines success in our own way, and according to that definition, we set our goals and priorities on the way achieving this success. So too with living an authentic life. Each of us must define what this means to us. For me, being authentic means being true to yourself, and living the truths and vision you find within.

Being authentic means “living” your truths as a day-to-day practice, not holding them as mere “intellectual concepts.”

All truths must be lived not just believed. That is why we are here in a body in time and space. This is what life is truly about. We each have an opportunity to practice what we believe. To act out our deepest visions. To have a life that is deep and rich and filled with meaning and purpose.

Being authentic means knowing and trusting yourself, honouring the conscious and subconscious minds. Being authentic means listening within to hear the truths that lay awaiting our discovery beyond the inner chatter of day-to-day living. Then once these truths are discovered, to bring them to life by living them through conscious action. It is through action not thought that one becomes authentic.

We live in a society that is generally preoccupied with happiness, material success, self-gratification; these messages are in our face all the time, on the TV, the Internet, in magazines. There are winners and losers in life, we are taught, and you want to be a winner at all costs. This is the culture we presently find ourselves living in. It is important to know and acknowledge this.

However, being authentic means looking beyond the superficiality of life and finding meaning and purpose in a way that resonates as truth with our soul and heart, as well as just our mind.

Being authentic means living your truth day by day. And if your truth changes? Then let your actions change. And if you find you've been living a wrong truth? Then make amends and begin living your new truth.


Sunday, December 7, 2014

Take a chance

By Amy Bloom

Telling people to take a chance on love is like telling them to get wet when they shower: There is no other way.

There's no love without risk, and, worse, there's no love without loss. It's true, one can live without romantic love and avoid the messiness of breakups, the weirdness of in-laws, and the tedium of another person's annoying habits. Without romantic love you can skip those terrible hours when you lie in bed, not alone, which wouldn't be so bad accompanied by chocolate ice cream and the 3 A.M. rerun of Law & Order—but instead you're next to the man or woman you share your life with, a person who, while claiming to love you, has let you down, disappointed you deeply, abandoned you when you were in great need. And, just as bad, you know you've done the same, and will again. If only perfect people loved, the species would have died before we got upright. And for all the pain and discomfort, and occasional boredom and unkindness, it's still a chance worth taking, which is why happily married people talk about the bad times with the perspective and humor of successful gamblers, and unhappily married people curse the cards, the dealers, and the stars.

Even if you duck out on romance, love, in all of its other forms, can still grab you and make you roll the dice. If we're lucky, we love our children passionately (sometimes so much that there's hardly room for adult passion). We plunge into that great love—some of us frightened and reluctant, some of us realistic and cheerful, some of us in a match-the-diaper-bag-to-the-crib-bumper frenzy—and spend 18 years doing a lot of giving, thinking, sacrificing, planning, and getting back much more:

She's so good at holding the bottle...I better buy a sippy cup. She needs braces...how can I help her not mind the braces? I hope she gets asked to the prom...how can I help her not care about the prom? I want her to be seen in the world as she truly is...how can I help her not care about superficial things, because she's a fine human being, but make sure she gets asked to every dance, because that would be so nice? 

And after all that, they go. If you've done your job well, they grow up and go on, and as close as they remain to you and as much joy as they bring you as the intelligent, interesting adults they've become, those scampering children, those little bottomless pits who took so much of your energy and drive and commitment, are gone. It is, in its way, like a great love affair that must end; that it only lasts a few decades doesn't tarnish its glory. That preoccupying, even blinding, passion does change. And if it doesn't, it probably should. 

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Letting go and moving forward

By Karim Hajee

Let's face it. Many of us choose to hang on to things that at some point have hurt us, angered us, made us feel sad, or depressed us. If we choose to hang on to them, we will never move forward and we could even create physical or medical damage to our bodies. To prevent this from happening we need to let go but no one really tells you how to let go and move forward. Sure it's easy to say: "Just let go, move forward, forget about it, just let go." But that really doesn’t work. I’m about to show you how to let go and start moving forward.

Why You Need to Let Go and Move Forward.

Throughout our lives we go through different experiences, some are positive and some we see as negative and unpleasant. When you hang on to a negative or unpleasant experience you are constantly thinking about it. And when you constantly think about that negative event you prevent yourself from healing. How many pleasant memories do you recall everyday? Chances are you're like most people and you have a number of unpleasant experiences that you're holding on to, which is preventing you from moving forward.

The more you carry the worse life gets. Why? Because you've filled your mind up with negative experiences, because you continually hang on to something that doesn't allow you to move forward, in short, you're carrying useless baggage that's really slowing you down.
Think of it this way: you're on a hiking trip and along the way you keep picking up heavy objects, things that really don't serve you. After a while, these objects begin to slow you down and unless you get rid of them, you'll never complete your trip.

To let go you have to get your mind to focus on different goals and different objectives. It's not about saying: I let go of the pain from my fight with ---- and move on. That will help, but if you really want to start moving on, then you have to get your mind to focus on new things, in the process you automatically let go of the things that have been slowing you down.

How to Let Go and Move Forward

Researchers believe that that if you hold on to negative feelings, sad emotions or depressing memories there is a possibility that you could reshape the human cell to the point where your thoughts of the past have a negative effect on your cells and your physical health.

Hanging on to negative past events is a process that can destroy your life in ways you're not even aware of. Ask yourself these questions: Do the negative things you hang on to serve you any purpose? Do they help you move forward? Do they work in your favor in any way? If you said no to any or all of the above then tell yourself this: This emotion/feeling doesn't help me so I'm letting it go and focusing on what is important. Then begin focusing on what you want next, focus on what is important and what can improve your life. This is a simple process that gets the mind moving in a new direction and you stop building negative energy created from the negative events/emotions, which only attracts more negative situations. When you begin focusing on more positive things you begin attracting positive situations.

The next step is to create an action plan, the past is over. Where do you want to go now and how do you plan to get there? You may not have the answers but merely thinking about the options forces your mind to go in a new direction and you automatically let go of unwanted feelings and emotions.

The key to your success is to train your mind to move in a new direction so you send new messages to your subconscious mind, which then brings you the opportunities to move forward.

The final step is to live in the present moment, to start living in the now. Living in the now is different than living for the moment. Living in the now is the process of enjoying everything that is going on at this present moment. Take a look around you and appreciate those things that you once thought were trivial. When you are here now you can be nowhere else. You are not hanging on to something, you are here now. I know some of you may say the following: "But Karim, where I am right now really sucks, I don't want to think about it." It only sucks because you're looking at all the negative things going on. Focus on a few of the positive things anything from nature to the wonderful family you may have. This forces your mind to look at things differently and tells your subconscious mind that you're ready for new possibilities, then you’ll begin to let go and move forward.

Friday, November 28, 2014

How to mend a broken heart

How can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
... Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again. 
-- Bee Gees

A deep loss can feel like your heart has been shattered into a million pieces. You’re left with shards of pain, metaphoric hemorrhaging, and difficulty breathing. The heart that pumps your life source serves as your emotional mind/body - A mind and body that writhe in anguish.

For me to say that experiencing grief is a horrific experience is an understatement. The pain is indescribable. Overwhelming. Hollowing. Aching.

Emptiness.
It’s a process to be experienced and cannot be set aside or sped up.

Why is this happening to me? Why can’t I see the big picture? Why can’t I heal?

When you break up with a love you not only lose your mate - you lose you best friend, your confidant and your future. All of your plans for tomorrow and your dreams for the future have been shredded and burned. Your heart reaches out pleading for reconciliation, but your mind stops you short.

You grab your phone. You write. You stare at the text.
The debate on whether to send the message you just composed creates conflict between your logical mind and your injured heart. Do you send the message or not? Staring at the phone you calculate your amount of self-respect versus the desire to feel better . . . if only temporarily. Logically you realize that sending the message will not change anything. Your heart yearns for connection. Can the logical mind mend a broken heart?
First, you must acknowledge that your heart has been broken. Breathe into the pain and accept.
Second, try to avoid denial and rationalization. This is a nightmare; you will get through it. It is happening. The only way round is through (Robert Frost).
Third, grief does not have a timeline. It takes as long as it takes. Surrender the belief that you will never fully get over the loss, but you will learn to accept it. You’ll get through it when you get through it.
Fourth, embrace the present because grief lives in the past. Your experiences have been lost. Living in the moment will allow you to tolerate the pain.
Last, be real. If you’re hurting don’t try to hide it. Authentically live in the moment of pain, acceptance, and sadness.


Breathe into the agony and accept. As Panache Desai says, “Lean into it. Breathe. Accept. Embrace and embody the blessing of sadness, because where there is acceptance, judgment no longer has any power. When you let this energy wash over you, there will be an intensity to it, but as you keep allowing it to flow through you, it will eventually diminish. Allow life to do its job.”

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Authentically Me

I recently renamed my blog (and published a corresponding FaceBook page) with the intention of aligning my work with my passion for living in truth. I tried on a few different moniker’s before settling on The Authentic Therapist…The Blunt Therapist (even though I can be blunt in session I thought it sounded a little harsh!); The Candid Counselor (but there’s already a speech language pathologist with that title); and a few more descriptors that had meaningful definitions, but would probably have been misinterpreted!

For me, being authentic is being the true self. It’s being the real you. . .Living, acting, and embracing the genuine.  It’s living with integrity.
I look forward to exploring FaceBook and offering a few specials (be you. be real. wristbands; referral gift cards, etc). Please feel free to contact me at any time!

Being real,
Lesa

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

be you. be real.

Being real with yourself can be hard, but you need to do it! Be honest, identify your patterns, excuses, rationalizations & justifications. 

Be you. Be real. $5 embossed wristbands to remind you of the authentic person you want to be. 1st 10 people to like this post on FaceBook get a free wristband!


Name Change

If you followed the old blog...www.lifecairns.blogspot.com...I changed the name!
Here I am!

I decided to switch to a title that best reflects who I am and what I do!

Also...at the advice of a colleague I've decided to embrace social media and have a FaceBook page - The Authentic Therapist! I look forward to seeing you on the web!
L

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

He Never Hit Me

A client recently shared this article with me - I wanted to pass it along.

By Reut Amit

Warning: This post contains descriptions of intimate partner abuse and may be triggering to some.
How many times did I find myself on his bathroom floor cowering beneath him, feeling the hot spit land on me as he screamed? Stop crying like a baby. You're crazy. No one else would put up with you. How many times did I shudder on that floor counting my breaths, bringing myself back from the brink of suffocation during a panic attack that was triggered by one of these maniacal and regular assaults? But he never hit me.
How many hours did I remain on that bathroom floor after he had gone to bed, my eyes red with burst blood vessels? How many times did I hear the sound of his snores and realize he had fallen asleep, no more than a meter away, to the sound of me hyperventilating while still in the throes of that panic attack? How many times did I whisper aloud, "How did I get here? How did I become this woman?" How many times did I tell myself to get up, call a cab and walk out the front door? How many times did I get up and look in that mirror and fail to recognize myself? How much hate could I have for the broken woman staring back at me? But he never hit me.
How many times did I crawl into that bed, rather than into a cab, and wake up with his arms around me, telling me that I brought it out in him? He wasn't like this. I made him like this. I needed to change the way I approached him about these things. Be less accusatory. If I just softened my approach, it would allow him to react differently. How many times did I adjust my approach before I realized the only way to avoid the abuse was not to bring it up at all? But he never hit me.
How many emails and text messages did I find? How many parties did we attend knowing that one of the women was there? I learned quickly not to address it so that "I" wouldn't ruin a perfectly nice evening. When his family member asked me if a lipstick she had found under the couch was mine, I threw it away and said nothing more of it. Neither did she. Another humiliation taken in silence. But he never hit me.
How many times did he tell me he was going to sleep, out for dinner with a client, couldn't hear his phone, but actually taking out another woman? How many times did he ignore my calls and call the next morning telling me nothing had happened? It was sadistic. I could see how much he enjoyed being that powerful. How many defamatory lies did he concoct and propagate to my old colleagues and friends when I walked away from him? How many times did he smear my reputation? How many times did I go back, believing every promise that he was a new man, believing every half-hearted apology? But he never hit me.
How many times did a friend pick me up because he had kicked me out of bed in the middle of the night for questioning him about one of the women? How many times did I go back before those friends had had enough. How many times did I defend him and justify his behavior when I told a friend about what he had done? When did I stop telling anyone altogether to avoid the shame of the insanity of the circumstances I was somehow in -- the shame of being a strong independent woman who couldn't take care of herself enough to leave a situation that was so toxic? When did I stop expecting more? But he never hit me.
How could I explain to someone that I believed it was partly my fault, even though I was embarrassed to hear those beaten woman's words spoken from my lips. No one really understood. No one knew him like I did. It was my job to protect him from the truth of what he did to me. I couldn't let them think he was a monster. I wouldn't tell anyone. I was entirely alone. But he never hit me.
My solitude meant that I could no longer see the reflection in other people's eyes indicating what was normal. I could only see the reflection in his eyes and began to believe what he told me about myself. I began to believe his irrational explanations despite my own heart and eyes. I let him define reality. I became isolated. It became easier to cut off my support networks completely than to have to lie about everything. Than to face the humiliation of my reality. A part of me knew that once they knew the extent of what was happening, they would force me to get out for good. I wouldn't be able to go back. I knew I would always need to even in the worst of times. But he never hit me.
I set a benchmark. The red line I wouldn't cross. The minute he hit me, I would leave. But the truth is, I know I wouldn't have left then either. I would have rationalized that in hitting me, he would realize how out of hand things were. Everything would change now. I wouldn't have left. By hurting me, he showed me he loved me. He cared enough to go that crazy. He cared so much that he was overwhelmed by anger or jealousy or sadness and simply couldn't control himself.
When it was over, I wasn't permitted to mourn him. No one could understand how love, hate, fear and comfort could coexist simultaneously. They could not understand that in addition to my abuser, I also lost my confidant, the person to make dinner with, the person to watch movies with on a rainy Sunday, the person to laugh with, the person who knew me. I lost my companion. How can you explain to someone that the abuse was only a part of who he was? How do you explain that to yourself?
There are still days when I remember tender moments and wonder if it really was that bad. I still struggle with reconciling how he could love me to the point of tears and yet hurt me as if I was an enemy. Like a child, I'm learning to redefine the borders of normal behavior and to realign my expectations. I remind myself that acts of violence can never be acts of love.
For the first time, I see my own reflection in other women who have emerged from the depths of such darkness. Indescribably courageous women whom I have never met, but who have shared their stories and in doing so, saved me. These women embraced me with their pain and unknowingly convinced me that I was not alone, that I am worthy of more. I hadn't believed that singular truth in a very long time.
Knowing that others were there has allowed the shame to dissipate. I used to default to the trained belief that I was crazy, overly sensitive or had imagined it all because I could not reconcile the love and the abuse. I have permitted myself to accept that both existed. Their stories have allowed me to forgive myself. To recognize how arbitrary that red line was. Seeing myself in their eyes has allowed me to name my abuser. To name my experience as an abused woman. And then to let go.
I pray now that my words will travel to the broken woman staring back at them and embrace her. I hope they equip her with the strength and love she needs to raise herself from the depths.
Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for the National Domestic Violence Hotline or visit the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline operated by RAINN.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Stressed! 10 symptoms you shouldn't ignore

By Dr. Alice Domar
Your body and mind aren't subtle. They are constantly sending out signals. Sometimes we listen: we eat when hungry, drink when thirsty, and hopefully sleep when tired. But are you as responsive when the cause of our discomfort is stress? 
Much of the time, when our body and mind are desperately trying to get us to slow down, we pretend not to hear. But the symptoms of stress are loud and clear. Do you know what they are? 
Here are the top ten symptoms of stress:
1. Insomnia
2. Headaches
3. Neck/back pain
4. High blood pressure
5. Shortness of breath
6. Gastrointestinal problems (constipation, diarrhea, gas, abdominal pain, heartburn, reflux) 
7. Irritability
8. Fatigue
9. Menstrual irregularities
10. Tearfulness
Do you have any of these symptoms? If you do, be honest with yourself. What do you do when you experience any of them? Do you stop, think about possible causes for your symptoms and take better care of yourself? Or do you simply take a pill? 
If you were to look up the top selling prescription and over-the-counter medications, you would find that almost all of them treat symptoms that exactly match these stress symptoms. This can only mean one thing. 
Our bodies are doing their best to send us a clear signal that we aren't doing a very good job of taking care of ourselves. This is the meaning of our stress symptoms. Yet we treat the symptoms with medication, rather than managing our stress. 
A headache? Ibuprofen or acetaminophen. Fatigue? Coffee, tea or an energy drink. GI symptoms? Antacids or proton pump inhibitors. These various pills do work. They make the symptom better or go away entirely. Right? 
But what is missing in this equation is the notion of stress prevention. What is making a given symptom temporarily go away is not what your body needs. What your body actually needs is for you to figure out why that symptom is happening in the first place. 
When you have a tension headache, your body is telling you that it needs something. It needs more sleep, or less anxiety about your job, or a more considerate partner. When you have acid indigestion, it needs less caffeine, shorter workdays, and more fun. 
The next time you experience one of the "top ten", stop, and listen. Before you reach for your medicine cabinet or head to your local pharmacy, realize that your body is trying to tell you something. So listen and learn. 

Monday, September 22, 2014

Get your run and meditation on!

In our deadline-driven world, running has gained tremendous popularity recently as a means of getting away from it all and connecting with the outdoors, while getting fit and sweating out the pressure of the daily grind.
Meditation has also gained a huge foothold recently, as people turn inward to try and calm their racing minds, regain control, and let go of an overwhelming flood of thoughts.
The challenge with both running and meditation is that we're rarely skilled enough to truly let go of it all. No matter how much we run, we can't leave our troubles behind. And while meditation sounds great on paper, it's hard to find the time, and when we finally do, it's often incredibly challenging to get the body and mind to cooperate.
But what if there was a way to tame the mind, while simultaneously training your body?
That's where mindful running steps in. It helps bring a meditative practice to your movement, creating a healthier way to run, that's more enjoyable, with better results for body, mind and soul.
The term "mindful running" may be new, but the practice has existed for thousands of years. From the Tibetan lung-gom-pa runners, to the "marathon monks" of Japan, to the Incan messengers of Machu Picchu, humanity has a long history of pairing running with meditation.
Take the ancient lung-gom-pa runners. Initiates would spend three years in silent meditation, focusing solely on emptying their minds and controlling their breaths, before allowed to take a single step. Yet once they'd tamed their minds, they could run almost effortlessly incredible distances, up to 400 miles at a go, according to The Way of the White Clouds by Lama Anagarika Govinda and Magic and Mystery in Tibet by Alexandra David-Neel.
By focusing on mindfulness and breath, these runners are said to have achieved a sense of enlightenment here on earth, and an almost superhuman state of fitness. But you needn't lock yourself up for three years to enjoy tremendous benefits. Instead, by focusing on three key elements anyone can do, you can bring more presence, peace and fitness to your walks and runs.
1. Run in sync with your breath.
The breath brings in energy, or prana, and is our metronome and guide. Moving breath-centered, we reconnect with our bodies, moving more efficiently and relaxed. Inhaling deep brings in more oxygen, calms our nervous system and reduces muscle tension.
How to begin? Start walking, and later, slowly running in sync with your breath. It doesn’t matter your pattern to begin, just get your breath and steps together. For instance, inhale, step, step, step, exhale, step, step, step.
Next, always breathe through your nose down to your diaphragm. Rapid mouth breathing triggers an inflammatory fight or flight response, while nasal belly-breathing does the reverse, slowing the heart while soothing and healing the body.
2. Watch your stride.
Most runners fight their bodies, pounding along, and struggling to breathe. The average runner’s stride has us hitting the brakes with each step. Yet the body gives us clues to move better. Once we gain awareness, we quickly lose the huffing and puffing, and pounding along.
How to begin? First, watch and listen to your footsteps, working to shorten and silence your stride. This means less bouncing, wasted effort and potential joint damage. Second, keep your arms up and high, never swinging side-to-side.
The higher your arms, the quieter you land, the less you swing sideways, the less torque on knees, hips, and back. Third, picture a silvery string, pulling upward through your head toward the sky. The taller you run, the lighter, with less stress on your shoulders, back and knees.
3. Practice Ten Count breathing.
When you’re focused on body and breath, there's little room left for extraneous thought, instead you focus 100% attention on the task at hand while running firmly in the now. This doesn’t just quiet the mind, but rewires you for greater concentration, awareness, and creativity throughout the day.
How to begin? The simplest way is the Ten Count.
  • Begin with 5 minutes of walking or jogging.
  • Simply count ten inhalations and exhalations, and then repeat.
  • If a stray thought comes up, drop it like a hot potato, then go right back into your count.
By rewiring the mind, and improving our health, mindful running can be a life-transformative experience. It helps us get back in our bodies, let go of stress, get fit, and to heal. More importantly, it gives us the gift of silence, even on a busy street.
By slowing our racing minds, we have more room to think more clearly, be more compassionate, especially toward ourselves, connect with the earth, and to discover improvement in all areas of our lives.
So focus on your breath, drop those thoughts and watch those steps. Then, you too, can experience the pure joy of mindful running.
by Michael Sandler

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Expressing the Aliveness of a Need

When expressing an unmet need, your tone, energy, and manner reveal where your attention is.  When your attention rests on the aliveness of the need itself, there is a greater aliveness in you and an increased possibility that your listener will be able to connect with you.
Let's take an example from a gem reader named Rob.  Rob says he has difficulty sharing his feelings and needs. He longs to be seen and celebrated. He wants his partner Chris to ask him more questions about his experiences each day and to initiate conversations about their relationship as often as he does.
Coming from the hurt of his unmet need around being seen, Rob communicates to Chris:
"I need as much attention as I give you. I feel left out and unattended and uncared for. I need you to take as much interest in my life as I take in yours. I feel like I am not important to you."
Rob has attempted to communicate his feelings and needs. Tragically he has likely inspired guilt,defensiveness, and disconnect. He has told Chris what he thinks Chris is doing or not doing rather than actually sharing his feelings and needs. Following the structure of Nonviolent Communication, Rob might have said the same thing this way:

"When I notice that at dinner last night we talked about your day for 30 minutes and my day for 10, I feel sad and disappointed because I long to be seen and cared for. Would you be willing to take more time to hear about my day tonight at dinner?" 

This expression will increase the chances of Rob being heard and still there is something missing and Rob's heart is not fully expressed.  The felt sense or quality of the needs is missing.
To express the aliveness of your need,  you can begin by asking yourself to slow down and take a few minutes to experience the need that is alive for you. Allow your total attention to be in the experience of the need. Drop the other person and the circumstance for the moment. Bringing up a memory of when the need was met can help.  For example, to do this Rob can ask himself, "What is the experience of being seen and heard fully? What does it feel like in my heart and body?"  Rob then takes a few minutes to experience the feelings and sensations that come up.
Creating this level of connection with your own needs, the other person gets to experience the aliveness of your need rather than what's lacking. From this place of connection to the aliveness of your needs a natural giving from the heart arises.
Having connected more fully to his needs, Rob might express himself like this:
"I feel sad because I long to be seen for all of who I am and at the same I feel excitement when I think about sharing more of who I am with you. I have so much that I want to share – what I'm excited about, what's hard for me, what I am learning. Chris can you tell me what you are hearing me say?"
Shifting to sharing your needs from the aliveness of the need makes it easier to let go of judgments about how the other person is wrong or neglectful. Your needs are you own, to honor and enjoy, and to meet in a way that has you thriving with aliveness.

Practice
This week practice connecting to the aliveness of your need by expressing a celebration of a need met each day.

LaShelle Charde

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Vulnerability & Feedback

As someone who values compassionate communication, you know that when you allow yourself to share in a more vulnerable way with others there is an opportunity for a more fulfilling connection.

But asking yourself to be more vulnerable, isn't a do-able request, it's more like a reference to a basket of needs that you would like to have met; connection, like I mentioned above, along with being seen & heard, mutuality, empathy, acceptance, and intimacy, to name a few.

Allowing yourself to "be more vulnerable" (which could be translated as share more of who you are) and get some of these needs met requires a lot of little actions along the way.  For simplicity sake, let's look at just two categories of actions:
1.  Evaluate and Create Supportive Conditions
2.  Ask for feedback by makin in the moment connection requests of others and yourself

1.  Evaluate and Create Supportive Conditions  
If you are someone who is attempting to share more of who you are, then your default sharing mode is probably one in which you share as little as possible.  Your unconscious habit is to evaluate conditions as unsafe to share.

The first action to take is to catch this unconscious pattern at work.  It's probably easiest to do this when you are moving from a familiar environment to an unfamiliar environment.  Look for signs of withdrawing, like subtle body tension, narrow focus, and tight mouth or throat.

The next action is to bring this evaluation to conscious awareness.  This means actually looking around and asking yourself, does this seem like a safe environment?  If you do this in superficial sort of way it won't work.  It's important to focus your attention and really take in the environment and people.  Some evaluation questions might be:  Are people looking at each other?  Are people smiling?  Is body posture mostly open or closed?  Is there a lot of distraction in the environment interfering with an ability to connect or is the environment basically peaceful and protected from distraction?  Is there a time pressure or schedule?

Based on what you notice, you determine what amount of vulnerable sharing the conditions currently support.  For example, a ten minute coffee break at work might support a conversation about what you did on vacation, but not a conversation about the custody battle you are in with your ex-partner.  If you shared about the custody battle on the coffee break, you wouldn't likely get the empathy and listening that honors the vulnerability of your sharing.

Create supportive conditions by making requests of yourself and others before you share.  Such requests might include the following:
  • Ask yourself what you want back from the other person before you share.
  • Discern the circumstances that would best support your sharing.  This might mean asking yourself to wait for a particular time and place before you share.  It might mean deciding between an on the phone or in person dialogue.
  • Make a request of the other person about what you are wanting back and when you would like to share.  For example, "I am wanting to talk about what happened with the doctor's visit today and just need some empathy.  Would you be up for sitting on the couch and talking after dinner?
  • Make a request about the amount of time you would like for the dialogue.  With time it's not so much about the exact amount of time, but rather the amount of receiving a particular time frame supports.  For example, saying "I'd like to just to take as much time as we need this evening to talk about the upcoming move" creates a spaciousness for connection, even though conversation might last fifteen minutes or two hours.
 
2.  Ask for feedback by making in the moment connection requests of others and yourself
Connection requests are requests that create connection around what is expressed in the moment.  You have likely had the experience of sharing something vulnerable and then feeling it just float there in the air between you and the other person.  Neither of you really know what to do with what was shared.  Connection requests give you something to do in that moment.  They are a way to move forward in the conversation.  Here are some examples of connection requests:
  • What comes up for you hearing that?
  • I'm looking for empathy, can you tell me what you understand about my experience?
  • I'm not sure I'm making sense, can you tell me what you got from what I said?
  • Looks like something comes up for you hearing what I said.  Would you be willing to say?
  • I shared that because I want to celebrate.  Can I get a high five?
  • Saying I'm sick I am just looking for sympathy.  I'd like to hear something like "I'm sorry you're sick".
  • When you are silent as I talk I am not sure you are with me.  If you are connecting to what I am saying, could you give me an uh-huh, or a head nod?
  • Sharing my story, I am not sure if I am way off or not.  Could you tell me if it makes sense to you?
 
Of course all these requests also work in the reverse.  When someone else shares something vulnerable you could ask if they want any of these things from you.
 
Feedback is something we constantly rely on from others.  As social beings we need to know how we are affecting others and if we are accepted and in harmony with the group.  We get that feedback primarily through body language and facial expression and secondarily through words.  When you want a connection to be deeper or clearer, asking for feedback is a useful way to get there.  When you evaluate and create supportive conditions and ask for feedback, you can experience a whole new quality of connection.
 
Practice
This week choose one of the actions listed above to practice.  Pick a particular environment or relationship in which to practice.

LaShelle Charde

Saturday, August 23, 2014

If not you...

If not you…

If you’re not the one providing your partner with validation, affirmation, and/or reassurance I can guarantee you that someone else will.

Once your partner begins to feel that s/he can’t trust you with daily activities, frustrations, inner thoughts and fears then expect disconnection and disengagement to strengthen.

For example:

A comes home from work and expresses a concern that (pick one: he’s about to be fired, he feels your connection has weakened, or he doubts his abilities in general).

You (Y) dismiss his concerns, or tell him he’s being foolish, or ignore his concerns and without providing validation begin talking about your own problems.

A stops sharing.

Remember…if not you then someone else will be available to replace the need that you haven’t or won’t meet.

A goes to the gym to let off steam. There he runs into S. S begins to ask how he’s been lately and A opens up about a concern. S listens. S affirms. S reassures.

A becomes less inclined to open and share with Y because, based on past experience, he believes Y does not care and will reject his need for emotional closeness, validation, etc. Instead, A waits until he sees S again and seeks the emotional support that S is willing to provide. An emotional bond has begun.

Don’t let this happen to you.

Love means listening to your partner and being available, present and mindful when your partner needs you. Love means making the choice to support your partner. Love means making your partner a priority.


If you don’t make the choice to listen to your partner then someone else will.

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