Good

Fix the Leak

Drip…drip…drip - sounds of a slow leak under the kitchen sink. The leak goes unnoticed. Water pools. Before you know it that little leak morphs into a major problem.

Similarly sex, or the lack thereof, can become a key obstacle in a happy relationship. Frequency becomes less and less…then one day the couple realizes it’s been two years.

I know that first-time clients can view ‘the couch’ as a daunting, foreign, uncomfortable place. There they are sitting across from me looking for a compassionate ear, but uncertain about topic focus. However, I’ve found that if a couples’ chief complaint involves sporadic sex then I’ll hear about it during the first session.

Over a period of time, problems in a couples’ sexual patterns can erode their sense of connection…it can also breed anger and resentment.

Why do couples stop having sex, and how can they prevent it? I don’t know - I believe the reasons are individual to the couple. However, I can pinpoint a few triggers that I’ve found to be at the foundation of many client cases.

1. Anger and resentment

Which came first? The anger or the apathy? The resentment or the unresponsiveness? Most couples don’t know. Often the anger issues are long-standing and viewed as unresolvable. The couple is distant on many levels. The solution to this is communication. Talk to your partner. Share your concerns calmly and non-defensively to eliminate resentments and resolve the issues.

2.  Exhaustion

Never underestimate how fatigue can impact your sex life. And ladies – I’m not just addressing your concerns with childcare, working, going to school and housekeeping…. men get tired too! Many men feel exhausted but don’t feel comfortable expressing vulnerability by telling their partner how tired they are.

3. Boredom, depression, or mediocre sex

Another reason sex has halted might seem very obvious – the sex isn’t very good. Aside from erectile difficulties or struggles with orgasms, perhaps the sex is boring and routine. Maybe the couples’ sex patterns have doused the spontaneity and excitement. Boredom doesn’t necessarily relate to just the bedroom – one partner may be bored with career, relationship or social life and those feelings of ennui have carried over to the bedroom. In terms of depression, the depressed partner rarely declares, “I’m depressed and I need help.” A depressed person seldom feels sexual. A way to work on improving the quality of sex is to focus on touching and pleasing one another. One exercise, called sensate focus, allows couples to take turns touching one another. The recipient gives feedback about what feels good. The goal of the exercise is to learn where and how to touch your partner so that the most pleasure is experienced. I know I emphasize it a great deal, but verbal communication is crucial for improving the quality of sex. Recapping the day and filling your partner in on all the cute things the kids did is great – just make sure there is time to talk about what you do and don’t like sexually.

4. Issues with initiating sex

Initiation is a delicate balance; when one person approaches the other there is potential for rejection. Repeated rejection can lead to resentment and avoidance.

At times, it may seem like one person is doing all the initiating. If both partners wait obviously there will be no sex. When addressing the topic of rejection be as gentle as possible and include a rain check suggestion, “I’d love to sweetie but my stomach is killing me – can we make love tomorrow instead?” Couples who have a healthy sex life typically say yes to sex…or negotiate different sexual activities or alternate days/times.

5. Foreplay starts before you hit the bedroom

John Gottman, one of my favorite relationship gurus, has found that men who do more housework typically get more sex. Foreplay starts first thing in the morning and never stops…kindness, concern, affection, respect, affirmation, consideration…all forms for foreplay.  Similarly, physical touch and affection can ignite a quick passionate kiss that can be continued later that evening.

6. Appearance or personal hygiene

You’ve been together a few years and maybe she only shaves her legs on the weekend. His trousers are a little snug and he’s taken to wearing sweatpants around the house. Maybe he’s stopped gargling with Scope before kissing or showering before being close. She’s put on weight and fails to maintain her fitness.

These can be difficult issues to discuss with a partner. There is potential for hurt feelings; but if approached with tact and sensitivity you can work together to become attractive to your partner. Some issues are more easily solved than others – it’s easy to brush your teeth or change your granny nightgown, but as anyone over 40 may know – weight loss is more difficult (but achievable).

7. Excessive masturbation to pornography

Primarily an issue for men. Some men turn to Internet pornography and masturbation when they have inconsistent sex in their relationship. There’s nothing wrong with masturbation – but some issues can develop. Libido for his partner may drop; He may not have the ability to have intercourse with his partner if he masturbated that afternoon; He may compare his partner to the young, slender women on the computer and she may not measure up; His partner may not be as open to the sexual activities presented in porn such as anal sex, threesomes or sex in public. A man whose sexual norm is based on pornography can get out of sync with his actual partner. One solution to this problem is to cease masturbation and Internet porn for 30 days. This will allow his libido for his partner to reset. During those 30 days focus on the other problems with sex and address them. Schedule a sexual frequency that is comfortable for both partners and resume masturbation on your non-partner sex days.

A relationship without sex isn’t necessarily wrong, but it can be more vulnerable to relationship problems than one with regular sex. As for how much sex a healthy couple should be having – that varies. It should be up to the couple to figure that out. It’s normal to reduce frequency the longer you’ve been together. Problems in a relationship like lack of trust, financial issues, parenting, misunderstandings, or anxiety can impact sexual patterns. It becomes cyclic…one can exacerbate the other.  Strive for intimacy to connect you together. I know I harp on ‘date night,’ but with chores and work and kids it’s the only way to recapture those getting-to-know you talks and spontaneity you had while dating.

L

Self-Care

Perfectionism, self-love, self-nurturance, pressure, self-care.

How often does your focus shift from self-care to self-aloofness?

Too often I see women who should ease up on the pressure to be perfect, the pressure to take care of everyone and everything and forget about the importance of self-nurturing and self-love.

Self-nurturing means more than getting your nails done or ordering a pizza on a Friday night – it’s a path back to your heart.

* Self-care is not optional.

                Running yourself ragged for too long cannot only lead to overeating and symptoms of depression, but it can affect your adrenals creating a problematic health path you don’t want to walk.

*Stay away from drama.

                You get what you put out. If you act in a way that is positive and  {with} minimal drama, you attract the same kind of positive situations and people. ~April Myers

If someone repeatedly comes to you with catastrophes, give yourself a window of time for listening and then take care of your own needs by walking away.

 *Self-care can take minutes

                It’s a myth that you need to spend an entire day pampering yourself.  If you have that mindset then you are likely to  think that you never have time for self-nurturing. Just three minutes before bed to breathe deeply and sit quietly will reap wonderful benefits.

*Self-care is affordable

              An expensive vacation or day spa package is not necessary.   A walk through the park, an Epsom salt bath, or 10 minutes of stretching can go a long way to refresh your body and mind.

*You have the right to practice self-care

                Taking care of everyone and everything else is not a prequesite to taking care of yourself. Self-care gives you the energy and nourishment needed to accomplish greatness.

*Self-care does not mean choosing  between yourself and others.

When you are not taking care of yourself you can end up in a cycle of deprivation leading to  frustration and fatigue. Put your oxygen mask on first before helping those next to you!

L

Life

Love at First Sight

My story isn’t one of love at first sight. We didn’t meet for two weeks after our first contact. But our constant communication, mutual respect, and friendship allowed the attraction to grow. It wasn’t rainbows and fireworks. It was butterflies and poetry. It was something more enduring.

I’m always interested to hear a couples’ story when they first come in. How did you meet? Sometimes I’m told, “we hated each other,” or “our friends set us up.” Connecting the dots from that first sight to those darkest moments is navigation over tricky terrain. I’m invited in to a tale of vulnerable intimacy that weaves through moments of lightness and crosses bridges of pain and fear.

Ultimately, when a couple sits across from me it’s because they both want to reconnect. They yearn for that happily-ever-after-dream of endless love and effortless communication. I always say that my magic wand is out of batteries, but if two people have a drop-in-the-bucket of relationship hope and are ready to put in the effort to rebuild their foundation I will do my best to guide them to living their dream.

I’ve heard that “love shouldn’t be work.” Loving someone isn’t work – it’s the expression of your love that is work. It’s work to meet your partner’s needs and work to let your partner know when you have needs that are crying to be met. On some level I believe everyone is seeking true love. Here’s what I know: -

1. Love is an action, not just a feeling.

 Here we are back to the “work” of love. Many people confuse the feelings of love with the actions of loving your partner. It’s not always easy to validate your partner when feelings are diminished.

2. The feeling of love can be cultivated, even if it wasn’t strong at first sight.

“I love him but I don’t know if I’m in love with him” If you have a strong relationship foundation feelings can be grown.

3.  Attraction is more than skin deep.

It’s a lie to think there is a “type.” Most people realize that skin-deep attraction doesn’t have a long shelf life.  Focus on the qualities you want in a relationship and see if your partner wants the same – create a mutual attraction of connection and kindness that can sustain a lifetime of loving.

4. Decide to open your heart.

Coming back to the idea that love shouldn’t have to be work; this is a lie. The action of love is work. Overcoming fear is work; overcoming doubt is work; overcoming communication barriers is work. When you learn how to address barriers to love you can push aside internal judgment and open to love.

The love you want is possible. The relationship you desire is possible. Turn off the romantic comedies and close the books on happily-ever-after and turn to your partner and open your heart. Look at the person. Identify the qualities that fulfill you and make your heart sing. Create your own shared love song.

L

NarcSpeak

Insightful, entertaining & enlightening article from Lisa E. Scott

NARCISSISM SPEAK - NARCSPEAK

Narcissists say the strangest things... and we are often left scratching our heads -- trying to make sense of the senseless.

Remember, Narcissists are not normal. They don't think like we do. They don't speak normally either. Most of what they say is meant to confuse us, throw us off and manipulate us. They use backward-talk, projection, martyrdom and almost ALWAYS provoke us to respond in a manner they can then use against us. They are brilliant manipulators.

NarcSpeak is a huge red flag. If it happens more than once - you need to get out of the relationship - before you end up too brainwashed or too abused to think straight or function.

They often use NLP = NeuroLinguistic Programming - used in sales, marketing, politics and... seduction/ mind control.

Entire websites are dedicated to teaching people how to manipulate and control others:

A GREAT GRAPHIC THAT EXPLAINS HOW NLP WORKS:
http://www.nlpmind.com/images/ss.gif

Scary, huh? It is critical you are aware of this tactic so you can recognize when it is occurring.

Below are common Narcissistic comments that we have translated.

First comment is THE NARCISSIST SPEAKING
Second comment(in italics) is the TRANSLATION
~~~~~

I need to hear your voice.
I need to hear you tell me how perfect, wonderful and smart I am. I need you to stroke my ego.

I'm just trying to care of myself.
Myself being the operative word here because I am the ONLY one who matters. Why should I take care of my RELATIONSHIP? I am so wonderful I can find another target EASILY!

Its not all about you, you know...
Right. Because it's all about ME ME ME ME ME!!!!! (as he dances away singing 'I'm Too Sexy')

What is with the flannel pajamas? Why don't you want to look good for me?
I am only turned on by whores, strippers, prostitues and porn. I have a raging Madonna/Whore Complex. Because you are good and sweet to me, you have become sexless in my eyes.

You'll never get away.
And I will make sure of it with these covert threats. And don't even THINK about telling people what I really am!

Who takes care of you better than I do?
I want you to think you can't take care of yourself so you will become dependent on me. I'm going take over your life, turn you into my puppet and have some fun!

You took that out of context.
Damn, you're on to me. I need to make you think you're losing you mind and imagining things. I will deny everything I said. - a Narc classic

Think of our children and what this is doing to them
I'll use anything to guilt trip you.

I think I'm a really good person for you to know.
I'm going to suck you dry and take you for all you're worth! Yee haw!!

No one knows you better than I do.
You're going to be what I want you to be, so bend over and take it!

I will never change.
I don't see any reason to change. I'm perfect.

You need someone to tell you what to do.
I want you to feel so dependent and incompetent you have to ask MY permission to breathe. I control your reality and your life!

If you leave... you will always be back
This is an NLP 'embedded' command to make sure you never break free and feel guilty for even thinking about it!

Sure go out and date others, but you will always come back... they all do.
I'm so perfect every girl wants me... I just sit around and wait for my phone to ring. I am KING OF THE WORLD!

I have no interest in doing anything with you and haven't for a long time. I'm not attracted to you either. I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you either. I know that's wrong, but that's just the way I feel.
I have no interest in anyone but myself. Everyone else is an OBJECT and 2-dimensional for me to control. I don't feel anything but I have some new targets going and need to keep you off balance because I'm not quite done with you yet. By the way I can't feel a thing... just toying with your mind.

Women are a dime a dozen.
I have deep rage and disrespect for all women. They are all warm plumbing to me. I bang 'em and leave 'em... they were all put on this earth to service me!

You need to be taught how to be affectionate.
You said "no" to all my outrageous, pervy, sick demands and for that you will pay!! Kneel and worship ME ME ME!

Easter is a time for forgiving
I hope you forgive me so I can continue hurting you over & over.

I don't love you yet, just give me time.
I can't love anyone... give me time to degrade & use you

You read too much into everything.
You're getting close to figuring me out, damn you!

You know that's not what I meant to say, so stop twisting my words
Twisting words is MY THING!!! I'm a soul-less predator.

You know the answer!
I don't know what to say to brainwash you more, so I'll let you twist and fill in the blanks for awhile.

I'm not going to get into this right now!
You're catching on to me... I am going to shame dump and guilt you so you will stop questioning me.

She could stop harassing/ stalking/ bothering me. She just chooses not to.
This is what I tell everyone to make her look like a whack-job and then feel sorry for me. Actually I am harassing her relentlessly, she's just trying to defend herself... and I'm going to tell as many people as will believe me!! I love being evil and hurting good people.

We have been more intimate online/ on the phone than we ever could be in person.
I actually like being intimate online more than in person cause its easier to fool you into believing I have feelings of intimacy just listening to my voice, its just easier for me to pretend everything over the phone rather than in person, that way you can't see me rolling my eyes, watching porn on my computer while calling you a dumb bitch under my breath. Besides, I prefer hookers.

I see something in you.
...I can exploit, use and abuse for my own needs... so bend over baby 'cause here it comes.

You were abusive to me.
(PROJECTION) I was abusive to you and I didn't like you calling me on it. I should be able to crap on anyone I want, anytime I want, with no consequences.

You were not appreciative of all I did for you.
And no matter what you did for me, it would never be enough.

You were no fun. Where did the sweet, fun girl I married go?
I am a destructive sociopath and I got bored... and I get off on hurting people and seeing their reactions - so I am going to turn the fact I use others like toilet paper back on you and make you feel bad because I got bored. I was screwing around on you for such a long time and DAMN you caught me. For catching me - YOU WILL PAY!

You won't take responsibility for the demise of our marriage.
Because I'm sure not going to. I need to blame someone because I am NOT NORMAL and completely delusional and never take responsibility for ANYTHING!! Don't you know the whole universe revolves around ME?

"Honey, text me when you get home and get all comfy, okay"
(NLP Seductive Suggestion) Don't even think about spending one second not thinking about ME ME ME!

You are the most beautiful woman in the land, you're the one for me!
I tell this to all my ladies... and all you bitches fall for it every time!! LOL!

I want to build and share a life together, I hope you want the same
And if you believe this - I have a bridge in Brooklyn for sale. You dumb women always believe this!

You have the most incredible body, my hand fits perfectly on you!
And if you believe this you're going to give me loads of great sex until I'm ready to move on to the next one!

It's funny...all my friends love me, so weird that she has a hard time living with me.
She actually doesn't like being abused by ME??? Can you believe it?? And I am delusional enough to believe everyone else loves me! Especially ME! Where's the mirror...

What's so hard about throwing your arms around Me?
I deserve love, affection and adoration. On your knees before the King!

All I need in Life is some Good Loving, some Gratitude, and some Good Meals, and I'm Happy.
And it better be all about me or I will grind your soul into hamburger!

She resents my Life Style. Like you said, "I Live in Lightness", and she lives in Headiness, Drama, and Ungratefulness.
She ripped off my mask and figured out what a user, abuser and complete fake piece of pond scum I am. So I will now say negative things about her for calling me on my shit. Implying she's an unhappy drama queen is the just beginning of my smear campaign.

You mean too much to me. Please talk to me.
Damn, you found out all my lies. I need to re-brainwash you. Hopefully you'll buy this B.S. because I need to silence you!

We cannot be friends. I'm doing this for both of us
I could care less about you. I don't want you around to warn my new victims...

Do you realize you are so beautiful and could have any man you want?...
And if you believe this garbage you will swallow the nasty perverse stuff I lay on wholesale! LOL!!! go me!

I used to think you were the sweetest girl, 6 months later I still believed it, a year later, I continued to believe it, but 2 years later I finally realized you really are not that sweet girl I thought you were.
Damn - you used to be so gullible! Now you're finding out the truth about who I really am. How can I use this to make you feel bad?

Do you know how difficult it is to explain to someone when they say, why did you breakup, she was amazing and so sweet?
How much more guilt can I lay on you for figuring me out and ripping off my false mask? And I tell everyone you're psycho anyway!

Having an affair really does help married people in lousy marriages cope.
I can justify anything I want to do. Then I'll blame you later and say I never told you that! After I get some free sex from you.

Your nagging drove me away (after his 10 year relationship was exposed).
Damn you! You figured me out and exposed what a lying cheating animal I am... so now I will make you feel like crap for figuring me out.

I love you more than I have ever loved anyone before, what we have is so special.
Now spread your legs so I can lie some more to get what I want.

It takes two to tango.
TOTAL BULLSH*T
see: http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2008/04/blaming-victim-of-narcissism.htm...
(Narcissists attack you just to do it. You are therefore 100% innocent of your victimization. Blow off this absurd "It takes two to Tango" crap.)

You always think you're right and never back down.
You're getting way too smart for me - how I can make you doubt yourself?? Oh yeah I know!! blame you for defending yourself!

I've never had this problem before with anyone.
I have this problem with everyone eventually but now I'll twist the knife and make you think you're the only one. This line always gets 'em.

Other people have loved me unconditionally
And boy were they stupid!!! It was fun because they were soooo damn gullible.

I told you i never wanted to be a part time dad.
How can I twist the knife and blame you for having children?

Why couldn't you have just agreed to disagree?
Why couldn't you have let me win and do whatever I wanted to you, your children and everyone else?

You are alone because you have chosen to be.
How can I make you feel really bad? And prevent you from moving on at the same time? heh heh heh

Your expectations are unreasonable...
I can't give you what you want because I am not human and I am evil. So let's make this your fault.

Making love to you just feels so perfect and so right every time.
Make sure you are available to me anytime I want to get laid for free.

I would never do anything to hurt you.
(BACKWARDS TALK) I love hurting you, it makes me feel so powerful and in control - so never defend yourself against me. Wait until I throw you away like a used condom! (Tarzan yell)

So what you up to? Who are you with?
Make time for me and be waiting for ME ME ME 24/7 to go over and throw you crumbs of 'affection' so I can screw with no commitment. YEE HAW!!

Did mommy do preschool with you today or did she just sleep all day?
I want you to think Mommy's a lazy pig. (Parental Alienation)

You're never going to find guy like me who will put up with you.
I want your self-esteem to be non-existent so even when I'm gone my words control your mind forever!

You and I understand each other.
(NLP) I want you to think you understand me and I have profiled and brainwashed you so thoroughly! Man I love controlling you.

I won't forget you.
I already forgot but I want to make sure you obsess about me forever! OOOOO!! Power!

Happy New Year: Empty Promises & New Beginnings

Nope, I didn’t post a Happy-New-Year-this-short-list-of-promising-resolutions-will-change-your-life-for-the-better entry; Truth is – I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions! 

I also didn't see the point in providing you the opportunity to recap empty promises or unfulfilled vision boards by suggesting your dashed-hope/new-resolution ball drop accompany a Top 10 list of "Try This!"

And I don’t intend to sound like a New Year’s naysayer…the thing is…

Every single minute of every single day is a new beginning. Every morning that you open your eyes is a fresh start. Every opportunity is a chance to make a change.

You have the choice and the ability to be who you want to be any time you choose…

If you want a better diet – eat clean.

If you want to lose weight – lose it.

If you want to be a better parent – spend time with your kids.

If you want to spend less money – create a budget.

If you want to be a better partner – do it.

January 1^st may provide you with a start date…but February 1^st is just as good.

I'm not suggesting you abandon that Midnight-Resolution-Bandwagon…. just commit to your new choices, your new beginnings, and your fresh to-do lists. Take charge of your life February 1^st, or March 18^th, or…. whenever you are ready to embrace your life every moment and own your journey.

So…my friends...Happy New Year and Happy New Beginnings!

L