Let go of grudges and feel better

By Steve Sisgold

 

If you've ever been dumped by a lover, demoted by a boss, or hurt or bullied by an old classmate, did you hold onto hateful thoughts or even carry revengeful actions out on them to get even or even feel better? It wouldn't be surprising if you did either of them, since we watch so many movies and feel so good when the good guy gets even with the villain.
However, new research is shining light on who actually gets hurt the most by carrying grudges and having prolonged hateful thoughts. According to Duke University, Univ. of Tennessee, and Stanford University, "Holding onto hurts, grudges, annoyances, pet peeves or old wounds hurts the body, especially when the memories are triggered by current life events." They confirmed a physiological link between negative emotional states like revengeful thinking and actions and how it produces stress on the body. They found that stress from revenge or hateful thoughts also lowers the immune system, leaving you more vulnerable to illness and asserts that, "People who are able to forgive can actually modify their heart rate, lower their blood pressure, decrease physical pain and even relieve their depression." Harvard Women's Health Watch also reported findings on how forgiveness instead of hate or holding on to grudges can benefit your mental and physical health. 

           

Two people who know a lot about the healing power of forgiveness are authors Master Charles Cannon and Will Wilkinson, who wrote a revolutionary new book, Forgiving the Unforgivable, How Survivors of the Mumbai Terrorist Attack Answered Hatred With Love.

Cannon, a Vedic Monk with a nonprofit foundation based in Virginia, told me about how he chose forgiveness over hate in Mumbai when he and 24 of his associates, visiting ashrams throughout India, found themselves under siege in the Oberoi, a five star hotel in Mumbai. "We all could have died," he admitted, " and two in our group did. Another four were injured. But, still, that didn't mean we couldn't forgive the terrorists."

He explained why they chose love instead of hate. "It wasn't about denying what we felt," Master Charles explained. "It was horrible. We were afraid and terrified! Who wouldn't be? And when we learned the fate of our dear friends, we were deeply, deeply saddened. But the question remained, How would we choose to be in relation to what happened? Would we assume the role of victims who wanted our attackers to be punished? Or, could we make another choice? We did. We chose to answer with love, instead of hatred. We refused to let the terrorists control us and make us be just like them and we felt better for that choice"

News reports of other recent disasters have featured similar extraordinary gestures of forgiveness that made the victims feel better. When gunman Charles Roberts killed five young girls in an Amish school shooting in Pennsylvania, Amish community members chose to comfort Roberts' widow and even set up a charitable fund for the shooter's family. Azim Khamisa's son Tariqu was murdered in a gang-related incident but Azim chose to forgive rather than to seek revenge. He has since written four books and now offers public presentations and corporate seminars around the world on the power of forgiveness.

Is there a secret to forgiving the unforgivable? "It's all about who we choose to be in response to violence," Cannon believes. "If we retaliate with anger and vengeance then we've let another person control how we act and feel."

While most of us will never need to match the heroics of the Amish community or Cannon or Khamisa, we can learn how to forgive in our everyday lives. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy and let go of stress, anger and pain you may be holding onto. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of improved physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

Responding to Crisis

Depression is a common psychiatric disorder found in children, adolescents, adults and the elderly (Sharp & Lipsky, 2002). Symptoms of depression include feelings of stress, sadness, hopelessness and agitation (Monroe, et al., 2007). Identifying and assessing clients with severe depression who may be suicidal is important in order to provide the best care and course of treatment.

In my practice, if a client presents with suicidal ideation, the following information is discovered: (1) thoughts of suicide, (2) plan for committing suicide, and (3) accessibility for implementing suicide plan.

If an individual is identified as “low risk” then it is understood by the counselor that the client does not mean to harm self, has no history of suicide attempts, is not a substance abuser and is not physically abused.

An individual identified as a “moderate risk” may have a vague plan of self harm, accessible means of committing suicide, has reported suicidal ideation, and is in a violent or abuse environment.

In order to be identified as “high risk” of committing suicide, an individual would report, describe or detail a specific plan of suicide, possess the mean of committing a suicidal act, have attempted suicide I the past, is substance dependent, and is in a physically violent environment.

Following the above referenced suicide risk assessment, an individual identified as “moderate” risk would complete a suicide contract, identify and develop a support group of friends or family members, and receive treatment for depression with a referral to a physician to determine the need for anti-depressants.

With a high risk client safety is the top priority. The procedures involved with a high risk client include (1) complete a suicide contract, (2) contact individual, identified by client, who will act as client/counselor liaison, (3) encourage client to report to a local in-patient treatment facility.

Reasons for Cheating

Six Reasons & One Cause for Cheating

Isn't it odd how we could love someone like this?

Published on July 31, 2011 by Donna Flagg

Who cheats, and why? When I saw the question, I couldn't resist. It's something my brain does automatically when prompted for an answer. It acts like a distillery needing to consolidate, streamline, and then create understanding in the fewest words possible. It's as if there is a pair of hands in my head squeezing out excess words the way wringing a wet towel rids it of extra water.
What can I say, it's how I'm wired. Sometimes, it's even how I put myself to sleep at night. I'll take a conundrum, whittle it down and try to explain the mysteries of the world and people's behavior in one word.

Infidelity: Who Cheats, and Why?

Extramarital attractions are a fact of life. How you handle your impulses is another matter entirely.

       Who does cheat anyway and why? It's really not all that complicated, not if we don't make it so. They are simply people who:

1. Long for the attention that goes with being wanted and desired and rely on it to feel better about themselves.
2. Don't care about their effect on the person to whom they've promised fidelity, or at least not enough to control their impulses, desires and/or libido. 
3. Put themselves and their own needs first.
4. Are bored and look for excitement in passion and/or romance.
5. Have little or no sex in their relationships and justify needing to go elsewhere to get it.
6. Are inherently insecure and use sex with another person to feed their egos and/or prove something that they are desperate to believe about themselves.

In the end, as clichéd as it may be, they are people looking for love in all the wrong places - meaning outside themselves.They are afraid to be truthful with their partners about who they really are and how they really feel, and as a result, tend to leave nothing but muck and yuck in their wakes.

Dual Career Families

A dual-career family has been defined as a couple whose work meets three basic criteria: (a) employment that is important to the individuals, (b) employment that has a developmental sequence over time, and (c) employment that has a high degree of commitment by each individual (Hiller and Dyehouse as cited in Spiker-Miller and Kees (1995).

            Fewer families follow the traditional model of wife as primary caregiver and husband as primary breadwinner. As families make plans for the future of their family and careers, gender roles tend to break down when couples experience dual-career dynamics.

            Five concerns faced by dual-career families are: (a) interpersonal tension caused by expectations, (b) role conflict, (c) childcare issues, (d) relationship conflicts, and (e) personal factors.

            Nearly all families face conflict between work and family roles (Tatman et al, 2006).  Although a study by Gilbert, as cited in Zunker (2006) reports that dual-career families are committed to supporting each other in a role-sharing environment, personal experience suggests that Goldenberg and Goldenberg (2002) are closer to reality when describing the balance between work and family. Interpersonal tension arises when couples have difficulty fulfilling undefined family roles. The division of household work coupled with the responsibility of career can create tension in the home environment.

As the family system moves away from traditional roles, men and women may experience role-conflict in a dual-career family. Again, the division and fair balance of household tasks can lead to miscommunication, resentment and role-overload. As a result, the family unit suffers from such a negatively charged environment.

With both parents working, childcare issues become a “critical issue” (Zunker, 2006, p. 331).  Finding appropriate childcare that complements working parents’ work hours, budget, and expectations is difficult and stressful. Additionally, parents may have concern about their children spending long hours away from the home environment in a daycare center. From personal experience, the first two weeks are the most heart wrenching; dropping off a crying child in an unfamiliar environment creates feelings of guilt and regret.

Two individuals, focused on career achievement, and committed to marital bliss, may find themselves in out-of-balance when it comes to the decision-making process (Zunker, 2006). In order to foster and nurture a healthy, balanced dual-career family, partners should strive towards equity in the decision making process.

Lastly, individual career development stages can greatly affect one partner’s viewpoint on another partner’s career goals. One partner may have experienced vocational success and reached the point where career has become secondary to family activities. In this situation, the partner who is still striving for career success may feel unsupported, guilty for a sense of achievement, or even held-back.

Brain Synchrony through Heart Coherence

If you've visited my office you've probably heard me mention the word "coherence" and the importance of maintaining this state. Positive thought - coherence; Blissful feelings - coherence. Coherence - Ability to tackle life's challenges; Brain synchrony; Balance.

There is scientific research to explain how and why the heart affects mental clarity, emotional balance and creativity. The heart is a complex processing center that communicates with and influences the brain via the nervous system, hormonal system and other pathways. These influences affect brain function, most of the body's major organs, and ultimately determine the quality of life.

The heart’s rhythmic pattern is one important indicator of emotional states. Heart rate variability (HRV), measures fluctuations in the heart rate. The normal variability of the heart is reportedly caused by the actions of the two branches of the autonomic nervous system (ANS) – the sympathetic and the parasympathetic nervous systems. The sympathetic and parasympathetic branches work together to maintain coherence in the body. Generally, the sympathetic branch has a more stress inducing fight or flight type action, and the parasympathetic branch has a more rest and relax type action.

Coherence can be explained as a sticking together, or connectedness. A person’s speech is said to be coherent if all the parts fit well together and is said to be incoherent if the person is presenting ideas that don't make sense.

Another aspect of coherence relates to rhythmic patterns of heart activity; Research reveals that heart rhythms are reflected in changes in emotional states. Specifically, the pattern of the heart’s activity is a valid physiological indicator of emotional experience. When in coherence an individual will feel calm, emotionally balanced, and alert; this state is conducive to cognitive and task performance, including problem-solving, decision-making, and improved focus.

How do you get into coherence? Practice! Focus on positive thoughts and feelings; Practice deep breathing exercises. Make heart coherence a goal.

Asking for the Love You Want

You wouldn't expect to eat one good meal and not have to eat again for the rest of your life, but sometimes the need for love is thought about in this way.  Perhaps you have heard yourself or your partner say, "You, should know I love after all this time.  Why do I have to tell you?"

In the framework of Compassionate Communication, love is a need.  Like all other needs it wants to be met in specific and consistent ways to create a balanced and thriving life.

You can meet your need for love with many people in your life in a variety of ways.  With your partner, however, you likely hope to meet this need in a deeper and more consistent way.  Meeting this need with your partner, and they with you, helps to create the bond that provides a secure foundation for your relationship.

To do this it helps to get more subtle and clear about what most meets your need for love.  It also helps to remember that what meets your need for love isn't necessarily what meets your partner's need for love.  Gary Chapman in his book The 5Love Languages simply and clearly articulates how to tune in to ways your partner's need for love is met.  I highly recommend reading or listening to his book.

You can also start simply with your partner right now.  You might start the conversation by asking if you can try to state all the ways she or he feels most loved by you.  Ask your partner to fill in anything you missed and then switch.

In his book Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix, takes this one step farther by having each partner make a list of the specific ways he or she is loved; and then letting their partner choose from the heart two or three things she or he would like to offer in the coming week.

When you and your partner have been together for a long time, it is easy to fall asleep to the subtleties of how each of you are most loved.  You might find yourself drifting toward complacency or just assuming that your partner's need for love is met in the same ways as yours.

This week take time to have the conversation listed above with your partner.  Celebrate the different ways your need for love is met and challenge yourself to meet each other's need in a way you haven't been lately.

LaShelle Charde

Introducing emWave

I'm very excited to add the emWave to my practice!
emWave technology is an innovative approach to improving wellness and facilitating personal growth based on learning to change your heart rhythm pattern to create coherence; a scientifically measurable state characterized by increased order and harmony in our psychological and physiological processes. emWave technology collects pulse data through a pulse sensor and translates the information from your heart rhythms into graphics on your computer or into easy to follow lights on the portable emWave Personal Stress Reliever. Used just a few minutes a day, this simple-to-use technology helps you transform feelings of anger, anxiety or frustration into more peace, ease and clarity.

emWave2 Benefits

• Transform your response to stress and quickly rebalance your mind, body and emotions
• Increase your ability to think clearer, be more intuitive, and make better decisions, especially under pressure
• Improve health, increase resilience and well-being; maintain personal balance
• Decrease stress and burnout in chaotic and changing environments
• Maximize creativity and innovation
• Boost performance and overall intelligence

If you are interested in experiencing emWave call me to set up an appointment: 757-356-5489

Study Says 2 Therapies Help Fight Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

Cognitive behavior counseling and exercise program enhanced standard treatment, according to British researchersBy Alan Mozes

Patients struggling with chronic fatigue syndrome may be helped the most when standard treatment is coupled with cognitive behavior therapy or exercise therapy, new British research suggests.

The apparent promise of cognitive behavior therapy and "graded exercise therapy" offers considerable hope to patients combating the complex condition characterized by profound tiredness, impaired concentration, diminished memory, sleep difficulties and muscle and joint pain, the study authors said.

The findings also support the somewhat controversial notion that incremental adjustments in physical behavior and/or mental attitude can ultimately have a positive impact on the disorder, the authors said.

The standard intervention, known as specialist medical care, is centered around giving patients information about their condition, advice on how to manage symptoms and assistance with coping approaches.

The research team behind the new study found little appreciable benefit with a third alternate therapeutic approach that focuses on helping patients strictly structure their activity and relaxation routines to match their severely reduced energy levels. This strategy, known as "adaptive pacing therapy," assumes that chronic fatigue syndrome is not, in fact, reversible with behavioral changes.

"Patients who received either graded exercise therapy or cognitive behavior therapy reported less fatigue and better function than those who received either adaptive pacing therapy or specialist medical care alone," said study author Dr. Peter D. White, a professor of psychological medicine at Barts and the London School of Medicine, and a psychiatrist at St Bartholomew's Hospital in London.

White and his colleagues report their findings in the Feb. 18 online edition of The Lancet.

The authors noted that it is not yet understood what gives rise to chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS).

The cognitive behavioral therapy targets the building fear and avoidance of activity that can exacerbate CFS. In effect, it seeks to break a vicious cycle in which mental inhibitions actually perpetuate and aggravate the underlying chronic fatigue.

Exercise therapy, also known as "GET," tries to reduce fatigue and disability by gradually helping patients increase their activity levels to improve their overall physical fitness.

To explore which therapies or combinations of therapies might be best, 641 chronic fatigue patients from four different rehabilitation centers in Britain were divided up into one of four groups. Over the course of a year, all got standard specialist medical care, while three of the groups received one additional treatment: pacing therapy, cognitive therapy or exercise therapy.

White and his team found the greatest improvements in terms of both fatigue levels and physical function were experienced by those patients who were treated with standard therapy in combination with either cognitive therapy or exercise therapy.

What's more, patients who got a combination of standard treatment and pacing therapy fared no better than those who got standard treatment alone.

Specifically, 60 percent of the standard/cognitive or standard/GET patients experienced fatigue and function improvements, while 30 percent reported "normal levels" of fatigue and function. Half as many of the standard therapy alone or standard/pacing patients reported normal fatigue and function levels.

White noted that all the treatments were equally safe, and serious reactions were rare.

"Patients now have a choice of two moderately effective and safe treatments that can help them towards a healthier life," he said.

Dr. Nancy Klimas, chief medical officer at the Chronic Fatigue Center at the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine, noted that the merits of various therapeutic approaches to chronic fatigue syndrome are still a matter of debate.

"But here Dr. White is saying that cognitive behavioral therapy and graded exercise are moderately helpful, but not curative," she said. "And I would agree with that."

"On the other hand, it's also important to note that when we talk about helping patients increase their activity levels, we're talking about people who have very limited amounts of energy," Klimas added. "And you have to work within this 'energy envelope,' because if you push beyond the threshold they will relapse. So often, what we're talking about is about five minutes of exercise before taking a rest."

"In any case, I look at this as a first step," she said, "and anticipate more effective therapies, based on a better understanding of the biology of the illness, in the future."

Overcoming ADHD: A guide for parents

Here is how to end the ADHD nightmare! ADHD is frustrating and stressful and can wreak havoc on families, parents and educators…

Here’s how a child with ADHD got his life back from out of control to being happier and successful at school…

Here’s why this book is regarded as the Internet’s
Number 1 guide for parents to
Help their loved ones with ADHD/ADD…

You will discover

• Answers to all your burning questions…Where to start? What to do?  How to deal with it?  Who to listen to? What not to do?  -  all your questions AND MORE are covered in this all-in-one guide

• How to retain sanity while helping your child?

• Everything you will need to know to get started to help your loved ones

• How ADHD can be dealt with easily, naturally and effectively – if you know what to do?

• Simple proven drug-free solution that works!

• ULTIMATE GUIDE for Parents and Educators

• ZERO RISK FOR YOU – 100% No Questions Asked MONEY BACK GUARANTEE!

Educator, Author Kinesiology Practitioner AKA A.T.M.S.

Dear Parent,

It can be a nightmare when your child is struggling with ADHD.

Let’s face it,... It can be heart wrenching when you watch your child trying hard to concentrate, get frustrated and then lead into another hyperactive tantrum…receiving notes and phone calls from exhausted and upset teachers…

You lie awake at night feeling shame and guilt that it could be your fault….or wondering and worrying with good reason about the horrible, lasting effects of ADHD medication…feeling helpless…not knowing where to get help…

I have been involved as a Kinesiology practitioner for over 20 years, I have seen an increase of families, parents and individuals having to deal with the terrible effects of ADD and ADHD…and I have watched in horror as millions of children have been prescribed dangerous, expensive and ineffective drugs with no long term benefit.

In my experience most ADHD families have a desperate desire to escape from the ADHD/ADD nightmare, live a calm harmonious life, escape the cycle of drugs and regain a sense of control.

Can you relate to this?

• Your child has just recently been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD and you are searching the internet looking for sound proven advice and how to overcome this problem and give your child the best advantage in life.

• Your child is taking the ADHD drugs and you are worried sick about the side affects.

• You are a teenager or adult sufferer of ADD or ADHD searching for a way to improve focus and concentration and are ready to say goodbye to prescription drugs.

If you can relate to any of these categories this book will be one of the most important messages you have ever read.

I am going to show you the path towards regaining control and saying… Goodbye to the frustration, turmoil, shame, guilt and hyperactivity for good.

You will discover a safe, natural and effective way to overcome your child’s ADD and ADHD without drugs.

Allow me to explain…

Despite what you may have heard ADHD is not a disease.  The fact is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder – commonly referred to as ADHD – is a developmental disorder that can affect many adults throughout life.

ADHD is often treated and medicated as a disease.  Doctors are so busy and prescription drugs may seem a simple way to solve the problem of ADHD.  There is so much research on the dangerous side affects of these prescription drugs.

Here is some research to look at…

“Ritalin is one of the drugs used for treating Hyperactivity and Attention Deficit Disorders … Ritalin acts on the brain just like “speed” – neuropharmacologically it has the same effects, side effects and risks as cocaine and amphetamines.  The FDA classifies Ritalin in the high addiction category, Schedule 11, amphetamines, cocaine, morphine, opium and barbiturates.” Treatments of Psychiatric Disorders, A Task Force Report of the American Psychiatric Association.  Washington, DC APA, 1989. p.1221

“When the research so strongly shows that integrated movement, supportive touch, music and play grow brain areas necessary for increased focus and learning for a lifetime, without detrimental physical effects, why do we use potentially harmful drugs as a first resort?”  Carla Hannaford Ph.D. Smart Moves

The symptoms and the causes of ADHD vary differently from child to child.  Does your child relate to some of these?

• Some children have inability to pay attention and unable to sit still
• Some children ADHD is caused by inherited genetic factors
• Some children experience ADHD symptoms due to allergies, diet, hormonal imbalances

With my experience working with thousands of parents, teachers, children and individuals, I have found answers to help overcome ADD and ADHD.  I want to share them with you. 

There are people just like you out there looking for answers.  You can benefit from my experience and other health professionals to make life easier by having all the information you will ever need all in one place – one easy to read book!

After many hours in front of the computer…I’ve done it!  I have put together a valuable resource for you to help your child overcome ADD and ADHD.

Anyway, I won’t keep you hanging any longer…

Introducing this valuable book that could make all the difference for you and your loved ones…

“Here is a quick preview of the info you’ll have at your fingertips…”

• What is ADHD and the possible causes?

• Understand ADHD and get the whole family involved to bring a harmonious and calm environment

• Why drugs, the side affects and the alternatives

• Is there a link between nutrition and ADHD?

• How to transform your child’s life with smart nutrition

• The brain of a ADHD child differs from that of a “normal” child…how to use simple remedies to increase neurotransmitters in your child’s brain

• What are the building blocks of the brain?

• How to deal with your feelings as a parent and the survival guide

• How to change bad behaviour to good behaviour in a fun way

• How to cut outbursts and hyperactivity in half

• Learn essential tips to improve behaviour at home

• Proven techniques for teachers, support workers and parents to improve behaviour in the classroom

• Simple steps to boost your child’s self esteem, improve their academic performance and give them the tools needed to succeed in school and in life

• How to use exercise to burn extra energy and encourage neurotransmitter growth to increase focus and learning

• How to find support

• And much more…

Are you tired of trying to figure out how to deal with
your loved one having ADHD?

Do any of the following statements apply to your child?

• They can’t concentrate even while playing?
• Teachers are always contacting you about your child to report “bad behaviour”.
• Your child often loses items that she needs like school supplies.
• Your child fails to follows instructions or finish tasks.
• They interrupt in during conversations with topics that are completely off the topic being discussed.
• Does your child get easily distracted.
• Their room is a hopeless mess with papers, toys, and clothing everywhere?  This is normal for a teenager, but not so normal with an 8 year old!

These are all classic symptoms of ADHD. What about adult ADHD?  What are the symptoms of that?

• Unfinished tasks
• Broken promises
• Moving from job to job, often quickly
• A tendency toward alcohol and/or drug abuse
• Procrastination
• Disorganization
• A perceived sense of irresponsibility
• Entering into and leaving many different relationships    

When you become familiar with what ADHD is and how it presents itself, it is often easier to identify those who have the disorder.  So many people have misconceptions of ADHD, and it’s time to put those misconceptions in the vault and lock them away forever!