Bringing My Sexy Back

I Don't Need A Man To Bring My Sexy Back

By Judy Tsuei

I'm a powerful manifester. That's what everyone says — my craniosacral energy healer, my mind-body mentor, my yoga teachers, even me. What I've learned is that you can manifest the good stuff as much as the not-so-great. 

Whatever you focus your attention on, that's what'll come to you. 

 

"The Universe can't differentiate if you want this or that," says Gary, my big-hearted Scottish cranio guy. "It'll just give you more of what you're focusing on." 

Whatever we're looking at, that's where the Universe is following suit, so it's up to us to make sure we're staring in the right direction. 

 

We know this. 

But often, when it comes to love and dating, however, we're looking outward. 

Our focus is all outside of us onto someone else. We're wondering if he likes us, if he thinks that we're sexy (especially under the covers), or even if he'll want to marry us. 

As Laura Doyle, author of The Surrendered Single: A Practical Guide to Attractive and Marrying the Man Who's Right For You, writes, "Like children who look at their classmates' papers to see who's coloring in the lines, we sometimes look to a man expecting to find information that will help us make decisions about our own lives. When it comes to matters of the heart, though, the most valuable information will come from inside you."

 

I'm guilty of this, too. I worry so much about whether the object of my affections desires me in turn, that I forget to step back and check in to see if I even like him. 

 

Recently, I met a guy who seems to be great in many arenas, except for a couple of game-changers that are crucial to me (like chivalry and generosity). 

He's fun, active in all the sports I love to do, open to chatting about spiritual topics, loves to travel, and the list goes on. 

But, when it comes to opening doors and letting me enter a building first — essentially treating me like a lady or preferably a queen — he lacks in that regard. This may not seem like such a big deal, but the problems are: (1) I've actually brought it to his attention and he hasn't done anything about it, and (2) I believe it's in the little things that reveal a big lot about a person. 

Maybe another woman would overlook these things, maybe they're not such a big deal. 

But for a recovering people-pleaser like me, who used to believe that my needs were not as important as my partner's, I'm taking a stand. I'm being clear inwardly and outwardly, because if I want someone to treat me like royalty, I have to remember to wear my crown. 

I'm giving suitors several opportunities, but I'm also trusting my intuition and honoring what I ultimately want, because I believe my partner for life will want to do these things for the pure fact they make me delight.

Here's another reason it's important to me: because it is. 

That's a reason that's good enough for men to do what they do and want what they want, so why not women? I've spent a lot of my adult life pretending to "not be that girl" who gets all neurotic until I realized that what I've really been doing in the end is promoting masculine (yang) energy, which means that I'm not letting my feminine (yin) energy come alive and thrive. 

I. Am. A. Goddess. 

It's taken me a very long time to admit that to myself, but frankly, I don't need a man to bring my sexy back. 

I have it within me, and the more I acknowledge that simple fact, the more that other women around me will hopefully embrace their divine rights as well. 

 

A friend of mine recently said that if we want to get married and have children, we're now at an age where we need to be selective about the person who we're focusing our energies on. (I'm 34.) 

I understand that traditions have shifted and now there are all sorts of circuitous routes to get to where we eventually want to be. Just as our smart phones now give us different alternatives to get from point A to B, we still need to know where B is. Then, we can have fun getting there.

 

Now, when I get up in the morning, I get dressed to feel good for me. Lots of evenings, I put on hip hop tunes to dance scandalously in my room in front of a mirror, because I like feeling h-o-t. 

If someone outside of me notices all of these things I'm doing to make myself happier, then all the better! Most importantly, when I'm genuinely content, my smile radiates from my lips to my heart changing my whole demeanor and when I feel empowered, I smile at everyone — male, female, toddler, puppy — because who knows what the Universe has in store.

All I know is that he's out there, and rather than chasing after him, I'm attracting him to me. 

When you're chasing after something, by its very definition, that thing that you're going after is running away from you. 

Instead, stand still. 

Look within. Give yourself permission to be bold and brilliant, always focusing on the light within, so you can illuminate the path for your right person to find you. 

The seduction of making someone else happy.....that's happiness.

Say Goodbye to Bad Romance

Quit Bad Romance For Good

By Shannon Kaiser

Being alone can get lonely. And if you choose to be single for too long, people may decide there's "something wrong" with you. What's worse is that you may soon believe that something actually is wrong with you. 

This was my story until I recognized that loneliness could be my greatest teacher.

Although I am currently single, I feel more love than I ever have in any romantic relationship. I am in the best relationship of my life…with myself. 

Seven months ago, however, I was in a very different place. 

My last serious relationship had been a repeat of every other romantic relationship I've been in: filled with drama, toxic energy and defensive behaviors. It wasn't until my last boyfriend that I took responsibility for my patterns and quit bad romance cold turkey. I recognized that I could never find true love until I fully loved myself.

The past six months have been a magical roller coaster, ranging from complete freedom to desperate loneliness. Throughout this time I have made it my full-time job to understand who I really am, what I need, and what I value.

In the past, I always put others first. I'd sacrifice myself in an effort to make the world happy. 

This didn't work. 

If I'm committed to creating a healthy, loving and expansive romantic relationship, I must first show up and treat myself with the same kindness I desire. 

In my quest to find answers I began to study other couples, people who are together and madly in love. What is their secret? What do they have that I don’t? 

After interviewing, researching and studying love, as well as lack of love, I have recognized the 4 golden truths to a lasting relationship. 

Here are 4 things healthy couples do:

1. They are 100% committed to being together

People who are happy and in a long-lasting relationship are committed to one another. Without a shadow of a doubt they have said yes to their life partner. Which means that, through thick and thin, they lean into one another versus second-guessing or looking outside of their relationship.

2. They don't spend time in dead-end relationships.

The difference between soul mate love and relationships that feel strained is that people on a mission to find their soul mate don't waste time in anything that doesn't feel right. Dead-end relationships can come in all shape and sizes: from waiting for your significant other to get over alcohol or drugs, to dating a married person, to having a secret relationship with a boss or teacher, or even being in a relationship with a person who disrespects you. Trust your own internal guidance system. If it isn't working or feels forced, it's not supposed to work. It is OK to let go!

3. They love themselves first and put me before we. 

I once dated a man who was more interested in looking at himself and complimenting himself than being with me. Let’s put ego aside for a moment because I am not talking about that kind of conceited self-love, the kind that often stems from deep-rooted insecurities. 

I am talking about an authentic expression of self. Being true to you, your mind, body and soul. Couples that stay together always play together, but come from a place of self-love and respect first and foremost. They do what they love and have healthy goals and hobbies. They don't make one another feel guilty for pursuing self-interests. Instead they lift each other up and support one another fully.

4. They show and accept their shadow sides. 

Every person has habits, insecurities and shadow sides. In relationships, we sometimes hide our true self in an effort to please the other person. This results in breakups, drama and divorce. The reality is the healthiest couples show their true self, including their dark fears, insecurities and allow themselves and each other to be vulnerable. And instead of running, they embrace one another and allow each person to be uniquely them, no judgment, only love.

Lessons in love are a lifetime journey, but I know this for sure, when looking for true love, don't ever put commitment before compatibility. Recognizing that this was my pattern, I realize my desire to be in a relationship outweighed the partners I picked. 

Learn from my mistakes and don't settle simply because you want a relationship, and never stay with the wrong person for the wrong reasons.

Photo Credit: Shutterstock

Meditation....Sex....

Meditation & Sex Are Same to Your Brain

By MindBodyGreen

A new study suggests that your brain reacts the same way to meditation as it does to sex. Both dissolve our sense of self-awareness, separating ourselves from our ego.

The lead researcher, Gemma O'Brien found that people meditating and having an orgasm both experience "diminution of self-awareness" and "alterations in bodily perception."

When you meditate, the left side of your brain lights up and when you have sex, the right side of your brain lights up -- both experiences leading to a stoppage of mental chatter in your brain and helping you lose physical and mental boundaries.

You can check out more on the study at Scientific American.

So what do you think?

Who's ready to get their meditation on?!

#happiness

Live a life that brings you joy,

laughter and playfulness.

...find a partner who can bring you the same.

~L. Leiden

Love

Love that we cannot have is the one that lasts the longest,

hurts the deepest, and feels the strongest.

~ Fran Lebowitz

When others don't change

Seeing folks around you stuck in patterns that don't serve life, can stimulate a bundle of frustration and grief. You'd really like for people to see what doesn't work and make the change sooner than later. You'd like both of you to be able to enjoy the results of living from greater awareness, wisdom, and compassion.

When you make a change for the better, it's easy for the should jackals to come in and say, "Hey, I made this change. They should be able to do it as well." It's easy to forget all the little things that you did and experienced that got you where you are now. It didn't happen overnight. It's painful to see people stuck in patterns and know there is an easier and better way.  You think to yourself, "If only s/he would change . . ."

There are a couple of important things to remember here.  You can offer lots of empathy and honest expression and if you do so with the purpose of changing another s/he will sense that and invariably resist.  After the survival needs, autonomy is the first need people protect.  People change most easily when they are experiencing love and acceptance.

Your work then, isn't to change others.  It is to look into your heart and see if you want to connect even when they are not changing and regardless of whether they ever change or not.  Whether you choose to connect or not, your next step is to allow yourself to mourn the needs not met as this person stays stuck.  Just to let yourself feel the grief of seeing suffering without resisting the fact of your inability to change it for that person, this is the practice of staying connected to your heart.

Over the years this has been an intense practice for me with my family.  I get the opportunity to help so many people, but my family members aren't jumping up to receive help from me (at least not in the way I think they "should").  I have experienced so much grief and frustration wishing for their well-being and wanting them to change.  I just returned yesterday from visiting several family members in Colorado.  I got to experience the fruits of the practice of letting go of trying to change them.  My ability to stay present, enjoy them, enjoy myself, and feel an exchange of love was greater than it ever has been.  I came home nourished rather than exhausted as I have in the past.  I look forward to continuing to relax into more layers of acceptance and experiencing the richness this brings.

Take a moment now to reflect.  Is there anyone in your life you are trying to change?  Can you access the desire to connect even when they don't change?  Can you allow yourself to mourn in the face of the suffering of others?  Can you find your way to accepting their path and trusting something larger to guide them?

LaShelle Charde

Creating Connection

You love your partner and are doing as much as you can to show it.  For example, you might think to yourself, "I will get all this stuff done around the house, so that she knows I care about her well-being and am committed to our lives together."  You work hard all day around the house.  When your partner gets home that evening, you are exhausted and a little grouchy because you haven't taken care your own needs.  Your initial attitude of love and generosity has transmuted into resentment.  You hear yourself thinking, "She better appreciate all I have done!"

Not surprisingly your partner doesn't have the experience of being loved by you, but rather, sees your state and decides pour all of her warm greeting into the cat who purrs and rubbs softly at her ankles.

Seeing this, your resentment builds.  You want that loving greeting.  You worked hard for it all day.

When these kinds of patterns are repeated over time, both you and your partner become convinced that the other doesn't care and a rift grows between you. 

There are a few simple ways to create connection in this situation.

1.  Look for the good intention.  Ask about your partner's intention behind their behavior and express your own.  Hearing how your partner was holding the intention to care for you even though what she was doing wasn't working, can go a long way toward reconnecting.

2.  Ask how to best love her or him.  Ask your partner how she or he most feels loved.  (Check out the book:  The Five Love Languages, if you need help here).

3.  Practice the Basics:  at the foundation of any strong relationship are these basic practices:
§       Speak and behave with your partner with as much respect as you would show a friend, co-worker, supervisor, etc.

§       Greet your partner eye contact and affection upon seeing her or him after time apart (before you greet the cat).

§       Everyday take time to listen to and express curiosity about your partner's experiences without judgment and advice giving.

§       Celebrate and appreciate your partner and your relationship at least five times as often as when you talk about what is not working.

Practice
Take time with your partner in the next few days and talk about which basics you are doing consistently and which you would like to do more often.

LaShelle Charde

I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day,
a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic
waiting somewhere behind the morning. ~ J. B. Priestly, English writer

Why You Should Dress Up for Halloween

By Cindy Goulding

The holiday season can bring both joy and stress, which is why it's more important than ever to find ways to unwind and add playfulness to your life now.

Think of how you felt as a child during Halloween, deciding what you wanted to be, and wondering what types of goodies you were going to receive going door-to-door. Tuning in to your inner child and playful side has so many health benefits.

Here are a few reasons to dress up for Halloween:

1. You'll experience magical thinking for a day.

As children, we often experienced magical thinking. Remember how exciting it was when we believed in the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus?

Even if we didn’t experience a lot of magical thinking as children, dressing up in a costume can be a great opportunity to express the child within, to create what may not have been available to us as children. Or, we can re-create our childhood experiences and put our everyday stressors on the backburner for a few hours.

2. You'll laugh at yourself.

Laughter is wonderful medicine. It activates our endorphins, the good mood chemicals in our brain. It's also an effective painkiller as it reduces the intensity of pain. As adults, we laugh an average of five times a day, whereas a child laughs about 150 times a day. Think of all the benefits that laughter can add to our stressful lives.

Often, we take ourselves too seriously and get caught up in our everyday responsibilities, and we don’t make time to have fun and do something spontaneous or adventurous. When we dress up for Halloween, we can make fun of ourselves by putting on make-up or by wearing something we wouldn't normally wear. We can be courageous by going out in a crowd with other fun-loving people. And we can laugh.

3. Play the character that you don’t play in your own life.

Remember when we said as children, “When I grow up I want to be a ….?” Chances are that most of us didn’t reach those dreams and, for a number of reasons, decided to do something else with our lives.

Dressing up for Halloween allows us to create that fantasy of being somebody we always wanted to be, or still have the desire to become. You can live vicariously through your costume. You can give yourself permission to be as playful as you want to be, even though your regular job may not allow for that playfulness.

4. Bring out the playfulness in others.

Giving others the gift of laughter and the opportunity to let go of everyday stress is a wonderful way to connect with them, and a great way to spread positive energy into the world. Children especially love to see adults have fun. This gives them permission to let go of their stressors as well, and it gives them hope that they can continue to have fun even as adults.

Even if you decide to stay home and hand out goodies to the children, make a choice to dress up and celebrate the holiday spirit by answering the door as you would have wanted someone to do when you were a child.

 

Life has taught us that love
does not consist in gazing at each other
but in looking outward together in the same direction. ~ Antoine De Saint-Exupery, French writer

Are you Dateable?

By Danielle Orner

I've never really dated. While my peers were accumulating the skills necessary to navigate single adulthood, I was in a committed relationship to my high school sweetheart. I didn't have to deal with rejection.

Sure, I had a small taste of that burning feeling at the back of your neck (like you might throw-up), when the guy you called your boyfriend for three days in middle school told you on the blacktop between classes that he didn't want to lose you as a friend.

And I tried out those tricks in teen magazines – from drinking a glass of milk and turning around seven times while saying your crush's name, to wearing the right kind of low-cut shirt to get the popular boys to look at me.

However, these adolescent life passages aside, I never had to deal with jealousy or other people's baggage because, after five years of dating and five years of marriage, I was my ex-husband's baggage and he was mine.

So here I am, almost 28, and I've managed to make a fool of myself in a matter of months. My life has not been easy by any means but, until now, I was protected in cocoon of acceptance and love. I never had to ask if being an amputee made me sexually unattractive, because I had a stable relationship.

I never worried about dying alone because he had already spent months beside my hospital bed. Then, I became healthy for the longest period in my adult life and had to finally ask what I really wanted. What had been safe turned out to be suffocating for both of us.

I used to think of myself as a sane, loving, spiritual person. Then, I plunged into the dating world. Probably way too soon. I've been trying to fill the huge absence in my life immediately so I don't have to acknowledge it or feel it.

Now, I'm shocked to find how quickly being single brings out some harsh moments of self-discovery.

I used to give my friends such logical relationship advice, which I would probably laugh at now. In new relationships, I'm discovering I can be too intensely emotional right up front without holding anything back.

And when I look around and find myself too raw and vulnerable, I get mean. I come from a family with a gift for scathing sarcasm. I find myself reaching for it, using it as my weapon of choice, when I feel embarrassed, hurt, and pathetic.

Even after working with young adults, I've made every mistake that I know logically even they shouldn't be making.

I could hear the cliches in my head: love yourself first, keep your options open, sex is not love, love will find you when you aren't looking for it, treat people the way you want to be treated, be authentic but protect your heart – yet still I went right ahead and acted from a desperate, confused place.

I won't give you the details of my painful, pathetic exploits. Let's just say that my mom still refers to my most recent relationship as the Train Wreck and that I am still trying to make arrive at my desired destination.

When you are standing outside a club at 2:30am next to someone else's vomit and waiting for someone to pick you up on his way home from a strip club, you begin to wonder where you took a wrong turn.

My dad, stoic Marine that he is, gave me two pieces of sound advice. The first was “it sounds like most of your problems are self-created.”

The second was that I didn't even know what I was looking for and I should probably make a list of qualities I wanted in a partner. These pieces of advice made me laugh because my dad loathes self-help books, women's magazines, and any form of pop psychobabble.

It took me several more months to consider his advice. But, before I could get out my glitter pens, scissors, and magazines to start piecing together the vision board of my ideal date, the thought occurred to me that I was not datable.

I was a bit of a needy, demanding, pathetic mess and not in a comically-lovable-Bridget-Jones-kind-of way. Losing the cocoon of my marriage also meant losing a big chunk of my identity and the armor of perfection I spent ten years trying to create.

I never had to be myself with anyone besides my husband and family. Without that relationship, I was just me. And who the heck was gone want that?

Needless to say, I didn't need anymore fantasy. I didn't need anymore list or cut outs of flowers, of chocolates, and of dinners on the beach. I needed some real soul-searching as to why I felt the need to hide behind a barrier of being a “good girl” for so many years.

I hadn't been taking new relationships slowly because, secretly, I already believed they had a short shelf life. I didn't believe I had another shot at a long-term, healthy partnership. Honestly, I felt like I didn't deserve a second chance.

And part of me still wanted to pick up right where I left of and start planning a family. I wanted someone to just step into the role that had been left vacant. I didn't want to start at square one: self-love.

“We seek the love we think we deserve,” a wise friend recently quoted to me. And yet, I was secretly hoping for different, positive outcomes from what I already knew was negative behavior. I ended up apologizing a lot but, as Dr. Stephen Covey said, "You can't talk yourself out of situations you behaved yourself into."

So, I sat down and started at the beginning. I tried to think beyond the list I'd typically be tempted to make, with rules like "must have a sense-of-humor" and "must-love-dogs."

And then, I vowed to start the process of becoming this kind of person. As of now, I know I am not ready to measure up. The affirmations notecard in my wallet reminds me to be patient: with the process, with myself, and with life, which blesses me with changes and the opportunity to begin again.

Qualities I Want in the Person I Date, which I Will Begin Manifesting in Myself:

1. Takes excellent care of his body. (This means no drugs, addictions, or unsafe practices.)

2. Great relationship with family and friends. Treats all people with respect.

3. Integrity and responsibility: they do what they say and don't blame others. They are solution-oriented instead of problem-oriented.

4. Secure in themselves. A good idea of who they are and what they want. They don't have to chase after others' attention or cheap thrills. They don't have to brag or be arrogant either. They resist the urge to make others jealous.

5. Open and giving. Able to give compliments and tell people how they feel. Not self-centered.

6. Over their exs and can be mature enough to be alone.

7. Has had solid relationships in the past and understands you can have loved and still needed a change. Someone who has forgiven their past and can forgive mine.

8. Someone with passion and drive who also gets excited about my passions.

9. A joyful person, with a moral compass, who radiates genuine well-being and positivity.

10. Brave enough to be vulnerable.

                                                                     

 

Personal Boundaries

For the purposes here I will define a personal boundary as your decision about what you are willing and not willing to take responsibility for in a particular relationship. The strength of a personal boundary depends on how conscious and clear you are and your skills in expressing that. 

What does setting boundaries look like when you are coming from the framework and consciousness of Nonviolent Communication?

Here are three key elements in setting boundaries from a NVC consciousness:
1. Loyalty and responsibility regarding your own needs
2. Ability to connect to the needs of others without assuming responsibility for them
3. A Clear "yes" and a clear "no"

The following vignette demonstrates these three elements.

On Friday evening you receive a call from your mother. She asks you to come over and spend Saturday afternoon helping her with a project. You notice a feeling dread and tension fill you. Your feelings are alerting you that important needs are up.

You realize you need time to identify your needs before you respond (Loyalty and responsibility for your needs).

You give mom a clear no and a clear yes:
"Mom, I am not going to answer right now (clear "no"). I need to get clear on what's up for me (identify your immediate need). I will call you back and let you know before the end of the night (clear "yes")."

You then take some time to acknowledge the facts of the situation and notice your thoughts, feelings, and needs. First, you remember that your mother is terminally ill and you notice guilt arising when you think of that. You notice that you have a thought that you should be there for mom every time she calls. At the same time you realize that you don't want to try to connect with your mom out of guilt and obligation. What's keeping you from that place of naturally wanting to give to mom?

You have some needs up. You have worked a full week and you have needs for rest, play, and peace.  You don't think these needs will be met with helping your mom with her project. When you think about spending Saturday in ways that would meet these needs, a sense of lightness and relief washes over you.

You know what needs you are saying yes to. You get more clarity by spending some time deciding exactly what strategies would meet those needs and how much time for each.

Knowing you are going to take care of yourself, you now have some emotional space to consider your mom's needs. You guess she has needs for connection, companionship, and support. You try to connect to and honor these needs in your mom, without thinking you are the one that has to meet them.
You notice the guilt voice comes up in you again. You hear it say, "You should be with your mom, she is sick and dying. You should spend every spare moment with her!" You recognize that behind this voice are your values around love and caring and its very important to you to live in accord with these values, perhaps, especially regarding your mom. How can you truly live in accord with these values?

You realize that loving and caring for others comes naturally when you have taken care of your own basic physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.
When you call your mom back you can clearly tell her the needs you will be saying yes to on Saturday. You can also say yes to her needs for connection and support and to your needs to offer love and caring, while at the same time expressing a clear "no" to her proposed strategy to meeting those needs on Saturday. At this point you enter into a negotiation about a strategy that meets needs for both of you.

But, what if mom doesn't connect to the needs you are saying yes to on Saturday and she offers some words that are difficult to hear instead, "You know I need help. You know I am sick. You are just being selfish. I guess you just don't care."

This is the point where you might be tempted to defend yourself and restate your needs in a pleading sort of way. This is exactly the point where it is important to remain connected to your needs and to hear her feelings and needs without taking responsibility for them. You might answer with, "Sounds like you are feeling frustrated and needing support?"

"Yes, so why won't you help me when I ask you to?!", she demands.
You don't respond to the demand energy, but rather stay connected to feelings and needs. You make a guess about what thoughts and feelings your mom might be having. You try to see the world from her heart.

You:"I'm guessing that when you heard me talk about my needs for rest on Saturday, it was hard for you not to hear that as a lack of caring for you. Is that right?"
Mom:"Yes, if you don't care. I don't want your help."
You:"It's a difficult time for you and you need to know that you have the support you need. Is that right?"  OR  "I am really wanting to have understanding between us.  Would you be willing to hear me again and try to hear me differently?

You can see in this vignette that the three elements help you to stay grounded in feelings and needs and prevent you from getting caught in an argument with the other.
When you can stay connected to feelings and needs you send a clear message that you are not going to be swayed by the dynamics of guilt, demands, or criticisms.
If you were able to stay in the dance of empathy and honest expression with mom, chances are she will at some point be able to own her own feelings and needs and acknowledge yours.

How long this dialogue takes depends on your own circumstance and relationship. With my own mom, I spent about six months offering empathy before she could own a feeling and need and acknowledge mine. Six months is a short time for me when I look at it relative to the length of our lives.

Choose a relationship or situation in which you find yourself saying yes when you want to say no and no when you want to say yes. Use the elements above to help you get to the clarity you need to make decisions that use your energy in a way that truly serves life.
 

LaShelle Charde

The 3 Phases of Every Relationship

Seana McGee and Maurice Taylor, married psychotherapists and authors of The New Couple, explain how understanding the phases of your relationship can help you stay in love.

Intoxication Stage

These are the days of wine and flowers, when the mere prospect of seeing, or hearing the voice of, our beloved is capable of producing a thrill. For many of us, it is the only time we let ourselves lapse into a fantasy of being in and feeling unconditional and perfect love ― and also idealize and create a positive distortion of our new mate. It’s a delicious high, better than drugs or alcohol, where neurochemicals, such as dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin, rule the day. We’re not in love just with our partner but with the entire world ― and this first stage of romantic love has the power, at least temporarily, to blot out the pain of our insecurities and imperfections ― hence its bittersweet name.

Flashback Stage

Unfortunately but predictably, the euphoria of oneness and complete acceptance erodes; we “get used to” each other. It’s not that we’ve fallen out of love or our partner’s evil twin has shown up. Rather, our relationship is littered with “flashbacks,” where we are acting out the unhealed trauma of our younger years. This power struggle is something we all go through, like adolescence or “the terrible twos.” In previous generations, most couples didn’t have the luxury of education or tools to “resolve” this touchy phase. And here is the kicker: the power struggle has little to do with our mates. It’s an opportunity to learn relationship skills that support our highest selves ― and to understand the psychobiology of both ourselves and our partners. Though fraught with emotional triggers and land mines, this time can be one of the most healing and empowering periods in our adult lives.

Co-Creativity Stage

Ah, at last. The preservation of your sexual and best-friendship chemistry is defined not by intoxication or romantic obsession but by the genuine high of the personality and sexual connection you have with your partner. You have greater emotional literacy and a backpack of tools, including deep listening, anger management, and conflict resolution skills ― for when your flashbacks appear. And they will with great frequency, yet they will no longer define your relationship. The work of relationship is never entirely over ― all couples are works in progress. It’s not about perfection but genuine commitment to growth. Still, it gets much easier, and soon the “wow of relationship,” which we experience when our initial chemistries actually endure, is on its way. 

What Triggers a Flashback?

The situation: We were working with a couple on “listening sessions,” and week after week, the husband avoided the sessions. He just couldn’t sit and listen ― which frustrated his wife and left her feeling like she was never heard.

The trigger: When we explored his avoidance, the husband discovered that he was flashing back to experiences with his mother: “Young man, sit here and listen,” she would say, and then proceed to verbally assault him for half an hour.

The choice: To turn this around, he did individual trauma work about his mother power abusing him by forcing him to sit while being berated. Prior to this, it was completely unconscious and unrecalled when he was talking to his wife. Now he understands the trigger. And he knows he is not trapped and has a choice.

Simple Agreements: Saying "Ouch”

Our relationship is a petri dish, just like everyone else’s. Maurice says, “Let’s go!” like an enthusiastic camp counselor, and Seana experiences it as a punch in the face. “The intensity of his energy frightens me,” she says. “In my childhood, I was exposed to adults acting out their anger by screaming, so I would hide.”

“Because I know I’m being triggered, I now say ‘ouch.’ It’s our new timeout. It’s simple, it’s easy ― I don’t have to rehash or reveal, and it is a clear signal to Maurice.” And Maurice lowers his decibels ― and he feels compassion for Seana because he understands her story. It’s not our partner’s job to re-parent us; however, we can be compassionate. We don’t have to rub salt in their wounds.

In the sober light of day, we can agree to use the ouch tool. When we are feeling vulnerable, or frustrated with a partner, we can say “ouch.” We are diffusing an escalating situation. It is self-loving to practice an appropriate fight response instead of an inappropriate response. It is healthy vulnerability ― showing your white underbelly while also protecting it. This is interpersonal martial arts that couples can learn with each other. Many problems with couples stem from them forgetting to use the ouch or using it too late.― As told to Karen Bouris


                                                              

Are your partner's needs being met?

Reactive patterns in your relationship can have you swirling about in arguments about little things. In a lucid moment you might pause in the argument and say, "Why are we arguing about coffee?!" Of course, you are not arguing about coffee at all. You are both fighting for deeper needs.

It is the reactive mind that keeps focusing on the detail of who was supposed to make the coffee and misses the truth of the deeper needs. Reactivity and arguments are symptoms that you and your partner's needs are going unmet. In the case of reactivity it is often the same unmet need that rises again and again.

When a need or set of needs shows up more often than other needs, you can safely guess that there is a bundle of hurt associated with those needs and a nourishment barrier in place to prevent more hurt. Nourishment barriers are reactions you have while someone is doing that very thing for which you have been longing. For example, your partner is offering appreciation, but you can barely hear her because you immediately think of all the ways she doesn't appreciate you. Or your partner is offering the affectionate hugs you asked for and you tighten rather than relax into the embrace.

With needs that are accompanied by a nourishment barrier, it can be helpful to think in terms healing and offering medicine. Just as a doctor prescribes medicine that you take on a regular schedule, so too you and your partner need emotional medicine on a regular basis.

When you are physically sick and you start to feel better, you might be tempted to stop taking your medicine, which is usually not what your doctor prescribed. When things are going along happily in your relationship, you might be tempted to think that you and your partner don't need the emotional medicine anymore. Unfortunately you find out the hard way, through reactive arguments, that sure enough you both still need your medicine.

If you don't know your own or your partner's medicine you can find out reviewing recent arguments and reactivity, naming the needs, and thinking about times when these needs were deeply met for you. Whatever your partner did in that moment of meeting those needs is the medicine.
Yesterday I had an opportunity to give my mom her emotional medicine. She called and wanted me to pick something up for her. With the help my housemate loaning his truck, I was able to respond immediately to her request. For my mom this action of someone responding immediately to meet her need for support is medicine. She was literally glowing when I arrived with the truck and the item she asked for. It was easy to see how this little action nourished her.

The medicine for your partner is usually something simple and concrete like this. While I can't always offer this medicine to my mom, I am consistently looking for opportunities to do so. With your partner, the hard part isn't usually offering the medicine, it's remembering to do so when things are going well. You might remember about the medicine in a reactive argument, which is great, but also the most difficult time to give and receive.

Practice
This week take time with your partner to name your medicine (e.g., need + specific do-able request) and commit to offering it to each other once a day for the next week (or a schedule that works best for you). Set up a reminder system so that you can offer it when things are going well.
LaShelle Lowe-Charde

 

Feelings that Blame

"I feel abandoned!" a woman says to her partner. I watch her partner as he stiffens slightly and a wash of hurt comes over his face.
I had encouraged the woman to express her feelings. Her face and body expressed pain and frustration, but her words expressed an evaluation of her partner which was easy for him to hear as blame.
In Nonviolent Communication (NVC), we bring awareness to feelings and needs to create a quality of connection in which a natural giving of the heart arises.
I have heard folks say that they have tried expressing their feelings, but it didn't work. What I have often discovered in these cases is that feelings weren't actually expressed.
There is a long list of words in our language that pose as feelings, but are actually evaluations. Take a look at the list below. Do you see some words you have used recently?
Behind each of these words are precious feelings and needs.
Choose three of the words below that you have used recently. For each word name the feelings and needs that were alive in you with the expression of each.
For instance, in the example above, when the woman said she felt abandoned, you might guess she felt pain and frustration because she had needs for trust, integrity, and reliability.

abandoned	abused	accepted	attacked
belittled	betrayed	blamed	bullied
confined	cheated	coerced	criticized
discounted	distrusted	disrespected	dumped on
harassed	ignored	insulted	interrupted
intimidated	invalidated	invisible	isolated
judged	left out	manipulated	misunderstood
neglected	overpowered	patronized	pressured
provoked	put down	rejected	ripped off
smothered	taken advantage of		threatened
trampled	tricked	unappreciated	unheard
unloved	unseen	unsupported	unwanted
used	victimized	violated	wronged

Notice that all these words require the action of someone else. That's how you can tell these are evaluations rather than feelings.

LaShelle Charde

 

5 Things NOT to Do When Going Through Change

By Roo Mulligan

Dealing with any kind of change can be scary. Even small changes like going to a new hairdresser can be nerve wracking; is she going to chop all my hair off and make me look like a character out of Les Miserables? Buying a new brand of coffee can make or break your whole week. It may be $2 less for a pound, but is it going to taste good and how will I deal with watery tasting coffee at 6 am when I REALLY need some good coffee?

 

These are just minor anxieties. The real fear kicks in when making major life changes. 

I have learned ways to deal with change over the years, ways to stay grounded and to handle all the stress. I have also made every mistake you can think of when it comes to remaining calm and centered. In order to spare you all the grief and hardship I have suffered from my inappropriate responses to change, I have put together a list of ways NOT to respond to change.

 

1. Do not stay up late drinking wine and crying over all your fears. This leads to headaches and puffy red-eyes the next day. Not a good job interviewing look.

 

2. Do not bury your head in a book and ignore the real world all day long. Your children and pets have to eat and need your attention.

 

3. Do not eat entire bags of Doritos or Cheezits or Tostitos or Pita Chips. The salt and crunch may feel great going down, but you will puff up into a chipmunk monster, and all your rings will be too tight.

 

4. Do not get out photos and letters from friends in your far off old hometown and moon over the fact that you have no friends. That will pretty much guarantee you will not make new friends. No one wants to hang out with Eeyore.

 

5. Do not bite your nails or shake your foot up and down in an abundance of nervous energy. These actions can easily become really annoying habits that are hard to break.

 

There are a multitude of ways you can respond to change, some of them helpful and some of them not so great. Changes will occur whether you decide to like them or resist them. Try to relax and give yourself a break. Realize that you can’t control every aspect of your life, and sometimes you just have to wait, absorb and immerse yourself in the change. You will be fine, and you can handle this. Help will come from unexpected places. Just be sure to keep your eyes open, and be willing to say yes. A glass of wine or a hot cup of tea CAN be a good relaxer, but it’s even better if you invite a new friend over to join you.

 

                                                    

10 Things to Remind Yourself on a Daily Basis

By Madison Sonnier

Bad days can be extremely overpowering sometimes. When we're having a bad day, everything feels wrong and the day seems to get even worse as we sink further into frustration and despair. By the end of the day, all we want to do is pull the covers up over our heads and block it all out.  

When I clawed my way out of a depressive phase last year, it was a daily challenge to keep myself from falling back into that phase again. I had to go through a process of re-building my self-esteem and re-evaluating my life. But there were days when I was not very successful with these things and the negative thoughts that stayed with me for so long would interfere again. 

 

It sort of felt like climbing up and over a steep hill and every time I let a negative or discouraging thought sink in, my foot would slip and I would roll all the way back down to the bottom of the hill and have to start all over again.   

On the bad days, I would feel like it would never end and that I would always be unhappy.  

To achieve mental balance, I have to make a habit of reminding myself of a few important things that I think we all tend to forget when there is a black cloud looming over our heads.  

1. Do not lose sight of what truly matters. Does that clogged sink signify the end of the world? Are you going to remember or even care that the stranger you smiled at in the coffee shop didn’t smile back? When we’re having a bad day, we seem to zoom in on petty things and complain about them. Next time you’re pulling your hair out over something, ask yourself if it really matters. 

 

2. It is okay to be alone or pull back from the world. Sometimes we just need to step back and re-evaluate a situation, a relationship, or just life in general. When I went through my healing period, I spent a lot of time alone as I tried to become my own best friend again. If you need to go into hiding for awhile and work on stitching yourself back up, take the time to do that. It is so important to pull back and spend quality time with yourself every now and then.

 

3. You are not always in control. You cannot predict when certain things will or should happen, or how everything will turn out. Sometimes you just have to stop pushing and let go.

 

4. What other people think is irrelevant. I was a miserable slave to the opinions of others. It got to a point where I was trying so hard to please everyone but myself. Don’t let your immediate reaction to criticism be to change whatever it is you’re being criticized for. Do whatever feels right to you, regardless of what other people have to say about it.

 

5. Don’t give up. If you’re fighting for something that means a lot to you, do not stop fighting whenever you happen to fall short. Remember why you are fighting for it.

 

6. You don’t have to know all the answers. No one ever has life all figured out. We are always learning and growing. Life itself is a mystery and it’s okay to feel clueless sometimes.

 

7. You are enough. All of us have had times in our lives where we have thought, “I’m not smart enough or pretty enough or strong enough or exciting enough to do _____.” Give yourself a chance instead of forming limiting beliefs.

 

8. Stay present. Try not to dwell on the past or worry about the future. Take everything one day at a time.

 

9. Your feelings will not kill you. I know that heartbreak, grief, depression, or resentment might make you feel like you’re dead and breathing, but you have the strength to get through whatever life throws at you. Hold on and see yourself through it.

 

10. You are human. This is probably the biggest reminder of them all. You will make mistakes. You will hurt other people and other people will hurt you. You won’t always feel happy and positive. Next time you feel the urge to beat yourself up over any of these things, remind yourself that you are an imperfect human being instead.

 

 

Don't Give Up