The True Secrets for Happy Marriage

by Mira and Charles on December 13th, 2011

The ultimate, best ever, top 10 do’s and don’ts for having a long, satisfying marriage

If you want a long, happy marriage, all you need is a bathroom mirror. Then write down these 10 do’s and don’ts, tape them to the side of your bathroom mirror where you can see them every day, and you’ll be all set. Of course you actually have to do the do’s and not do the don’ts, but that’s a mere detail.

The point is — and it’s a revolutionary point, when you think about it — that you don’t have to be a genius or a saint for the two of you to stay happy with each other. Love is a strong, healthy force. All you have to do is nurture it a little bit and avoid screwing it up too badly. And it will be there for you when you’re in your golden years.

Okay, in no particular order, here are our top 10 most important do’s and don’ts:

1. DO get this through your sweet head: you need to accept your partner as is. The people we love are the way they are, and we’ve got to love them for that. That’s what a great, long-lasting marriage is: two very imperfect people who love each other not in spite of their imperfections but with their imperfections.

2. DO really listen to each other. Making each other feel heard down to your very toes is one of the sexiest, most healthful things you can do. It’s not about being silent while the other person is talking and then saying, “Yes, but…” and then immediately inserting your own opinion. Instead it’s about asking questions when the other person talks, unpacking what she says, getting inside and all around everything she feels about this issue.

3. DO show how much you appreciate each other. Words are important. Say how much you’ve valued every little thing your partner does that makes your life better. You should be saying a lot more appreciative things than criticisms. But actions are just as important. A hug, a tender kiss, a small gift, a helpful hand are all great ways of underlining your words of appreciation.

4. DO have fun together. Fun is the glue of intimacy. If you’re not having fun, you’re not doing it right. Now it doesn’t matter what you do for fun — that’s different for everybody. But know what your fun things are and make sure you do them.

5. DO think long and hard every day about what it must be like to be in a relationship with you. Here’s an example. Think about how you must seem when you come home from work. Would you guess you’re kind of grumpy? Or maybe you act in another way that’s not so fun? Be honest. What must it be like to have to deal with that? This isn’t just about coming home from work; it’s about other ways you are in your relationship. Once you see yourself through your partner’s eyes, that’s just got to change the way you act. If you wouldn’t want to have to deal with you, why should your partner have to?

6. DON’T act miserable and gloomy. Yeah, I know, you shouldn’t walk around with a fake smile plastered on your face. But complainers, downers, Mr. and Ms. Negatives make their relationship a place you want to get the heck away from.

7. DON’T live in the past. Don’t dwell on the past. Don’t talk about the past. Look, I know you’ve both done things to hurt each other. But love and happiness can only die if you live in a museum of past hurts. Instead, focus on your needs in the present.

8. DON’T deny your most important needs. When you identify which unmet needs mean the most to you, tell your partner what they are. Do it one at a time. Make it clear what exactly your partner needs to do. Unsatisfied needs corrode love. But when you satisfy each other’s needs, love thrives.

9. DON’T neglect touching. The physical dimension of your relationship is like a fountain of youth. I’m not necessarily talking about sex, although that’s important too. But just as important is hugging, kissing, snuggling, holding hands and rubbing each other’s feet or shoulders. You should have some warm, meaningful physical contact every day.

10. DON’T forget to have a life. Marriage is a big deal. It plays a huge role in your happiness and your sense of yourself. But it’s not everything. It certainly can’t give you what you can get for yourself from having a life of your own. If you try to make your marriage do more for you than it can, you’ll end up polluting it with your disappointment. But if you have a life along with your marriage, the two support each other.

Does your Body Talk?

What attracts you to someone? What secret messages are being sent? Is it your intuition?  Maybe it’s body language.

I admit I’ve been a bit fixated on the topic of non-verbal communication lately.

I read body language every day…it’s part of my job. I can tell if someone is overwhelmed, depressed, anxious, angry….you get the idea. What I have yet to figure out is how do you know when someone is attracted to you?

Are you being sent telepathic messages?

I guess, in a way, you are. Body language is a type of non-verbal communication controlled by the subconscious mind. All too often an individual’s words will differ from the actual meaning – this is where reading body language is helpful.

For instance, if you are speaking to someone at a social gathering and you hope to positively influence an attractive female – stand in an open body position. This position is perceived more positively than those with closed body positions. This stance also gives you an advantage in being persuasive. A forward trunk lean will enhance and increase verbal interactions with the female of interest.

Trying to build rapport? Start mirroring her postures. Don’t make a game out of it and try not to be too obvious, but through imitation you are subconsciously revealing your receptiveness.

Wondering if you’re making a positive impression? Look for her hand gestures: if she’s touching herself or her surroundings then you know she is feeling close to you; except if she’s touching her nose or her face….then she’s lying to you. If her hand movements are mostly vertical in nature then you know she’s thinking favorably.

Getting a smile out of her? Make sure it’s genuine…look for the eye creases…then you’ll know it’s genuine.

Below are some common body signals and the corresponding possible meanings.

signal

part of body

possible meaning(s)

detailed explanation

Left and right are for the person giving the signals and making the movements.

looking right (generally)

eyes

creating, fabricating, guessing, lying, storytelling

Creating here is basically making things up and saying them. Depending on context this can indicate lying, but in other circumstances, for example, storytelling to a child, this would be perfectly normal. Looking right and down indicates accessing feelings, which again can be a perfectly genuine response or not, depending on the context, and to an extent the person.

looking left (generally)

eyes

recalling, remembering, retrieving 'facts'

Recalling and then stating 'facts' from memory in appropriate context often equates to telling the truth. Whether the 'facts' (memories) are correct is another matter. Left downward looking indicates silent self-conversation or self-talk, typically in trying to arrive at a view or decision.

looking right and up

eyes

visual imagining, fabrication, lying

Related to imagination and creative (right-side) parts of the brain, this upwards right eye-movement can be a warning sign of fabrication if a person is supposed to be recalling and stating facts.

looking right sideways

eyes

imagining sounds

Sideways eye movements are believed to indicate imagining (right) or recalling (left) sounds, which can include for example a person imagining or fabricating what another person has said or could, say.

looking right and down

eyes

accessing feelings

This is a creative signal but not a fabrication - it can signal that the person is self-questioning their feelings about something. Context particularly- and other signals - are important for interpreting more specific meaning about this signal.

looking left and up

eyes

recalling images truthfulness

Related to accessing memory in the brain, rather than creating or imagining. A reassuring sign if signaled when the person is recalling and stating facts.

looking left sideways

eyes

recalling or remembering sounds

Looking sideways suggests sounds; looking left suggests recalling or remembering - not fabricating or imagining. This therefore could indicate recalling what has been said by another person.

looking left down

eyes

self-talking, rationalizing

Thinking things through by self-talk - concerning an outward view, rather than the inward feelings view indicated by downward right looking.

direct eye contact (when speaking)

eyes

honesty - or faked honesty

Direct eye contact is generally regarded as a sign of truthfulness; however practiced liars know this and will fake the signal.

direct eye contact (when listening)

eyes

attentiveness, interest, attraction

Eyes which stay focused on the speaker’s eyes, which tend to indicate focused interested attention too, which is normally a sign of attraction to the person and/or the subject.

widening eyes

eyes

interest, appeal, invitation

Widening the eyes generally signals interest in something or someone, and often invites positive response. Widened eyes with raised eyebrows can otherwise be due to shock, but aside from this, widening eyes represents an opening and welcoming expression. In women especially widened eyes tend to increase attractiveness, which is believed by some body language experts to relate to the eye/face proportions of babies, and the associated signals of attraction and prompting urges to protect and offer love and care, etc.

pupils dilated (enlarged)

eyes

attraction, desire

The pupil is the black center of the eye which opens or closes to let in more or less light. Darkness causes pupils to dilate. So too, for some reason does seeing something appealing or attractive. The cause of the attraction depends on the situation. In the case of sexual attraction the effect can be mutual - dilated pupils tend to be more appealing sexually that contracted ones, perhaps because of an instinctive association with darkness, night-time, bedtime, etc., although the origins of this effect are unproven. Resist the temptation to imagine that everyone you see with dilated pupils is sexually attracted to you.

pasted smile

mouth

faked smile

A pasted smile is one which appears quickly, is fixed for longer than a natural smile, and seems not to extend to the eyes. This typically indicates suppressed displeasure or forced agreement of some sort.

tight-lipped smile

mouth

secrecy or withheld feelings

Stretched across face in a straight line, teeth concealed. The smiler has a secret they are not going to share, possibly due to dislike or distrust. Can also be a rejection signal.

twisted smile

mouth

mixed feelings or sarcasm

Shows opposite emotions on each side of the face.

dropped-jaw smile

mouth

faked smile

More of a practiced fake smile than an instinctive one. The jaw is dropped lower than in a natural smile, the act of which creates a smile.

smile - head tilted, looking up

mouth

playfulness, teasing, coy

Head tilted sideways and downwards so as to part hide the face, from which the smile is directed via the eyes at the intended target.

biting lip

mouth

tension

One of many signals suggesting tension or stress, which can be due to high concentration, but more likely to be anxiousness.

crossed arms (folded arms)

arms

defensiveness, reluctance

Crossed arms represent a protective or separating barrier. This can be due to various causes, ranging from severe animosity or concern to mild boredom or being too tired to be interested and attentive. Crossed arms is a commonly exhibited signal by subordinates feeling threatened by bosses and figures of authority. N.B. People also cross arms when they are feeling cold, so be careful not to misread this signal.

crossed arms with clenched fists

arms

hostile defensiveness

Clenched fists reinforce stubbornness, aggression or the lack of empathy indicated by crossed arms.

gripping own upper arms

arms

insecurity

Gripping upper arms while folded is effectively self-hugging. Self-hugging is an attempt to reassure unhappy or unsafe feelings.

one arm across body clasping other arm by side (female)

arms

nervousness

Women use this gesture. Men tend not to. It's a 'barrier' protective signal, and also self-hugging.

arms held behind body with hands clasped

arms

confidence, authority

As demonstrated by members of the royal family, armed forces officers, teachers, policemen, etc.

handbag held in front of body (female)

arms

nervousness

Another 'barrier' protective signal.

holding papers across chest (mainly male)

arms

nervousness

Another 'barrier' protective signal, especially when arm is across chest.

adjusting cuff, watchstrap, tie, etc., using an arm across the body

arms

nervousness

Another 'barrier' protective signal.

arms/hands covering genital region (male)

arms / hands

nervousness

Another 'barrier' protective signal.

holding a drink in front of body with both hands

arms / hands

nervousness

Another 'barrier' protective signal.

palm(s) up or open

hands

submissive, truthful, honesty, appealing

Said to evolve from when open upward palms showed no weapon was held. A common gesture with various meanings around a main theme of openness. Can also mean "I don't have the answer," or an appeal. In some situations this can indicate confidence (such as to enable openness), or trust/trustworthiness. An easily faked gesture to convey innocence. Outward open forearms or whole arms are more extreme versions of the signal.

palm(s) up, fingers pointing up

hands

defensive, instruction to stop

Relaxed hands are more likely to be defensive as if offered up in protection; rigid fingers indicate a more authoritative instruction or request to stop whatever behavior is promoting the reaction.

palm(s) down

hands

authority, strength, dominance

Where the lower arm moves across the body with palm down this is generally defiance or firm disagreement.

palm up and moving up and down as if weighing

hands

striving for or seeking an answer

The hand is empty, but figuratively holds a problem or idea as if weighing it. The signal is one of 'weighing' possibilities.

hand(s) on heart (left side of chest)

hands

seeking to be believed

Although easy to fake, the underlying meaning is one of wanting to be believed, whether being truthful or not. Hand on heart can be proactive, as when a salesman tries to convince a buyer, or reactive, as when claiming innocence or shock. Whatever, the sender of this signal typically feels the need to emphasize their position as if mortally threatened, which is rarely the case.

thumb(s) up

hands

positive approval, agreement, all well

In the Western world this signal is so commonly used and recognized it has become a language term in its own right: 'thumbs up' means approved. It's a very positive signal. Two hands is a bigger statement of the same meaning.

thumbs down

hands

disapproval, failure

Logically the opposite of thumbs up. Rightly or wrongly the thumbs up and down signals are associated with the gladiatorial contests of the ancient Roman arenas in which the presiding dignitary would signal the fate of the losing contestants.

thumb(s) clenched inside fist(s)

hands

self-comforting, frustration, insecurity

As with other signals involving holding or stroking a part of one's own body this tends to indicate self-comforting. Also thumbs are potent and flexible tools, so disabling them logically reduces a person's readiness for action.

pinching or rubbing nose, while listening

hands / nose

thoughtfulness, suppressing comment

In many cases this is an unconscious signaling of holding back or delaying a response or opinion. Pinching the nose physically obstructs breathing and speech, especially if the mouth is covered at the same time. Rather like the more obvious hand-clamp over the mouth, people displaying this gesture probably have something to say but are choosing not to say it yet.

neck scratching

hands / neck

doubt, disbelief

Perhaps evolved from a feeling of distrust and instinct to protect the vulnerable neck area. Who knows - whatever, the signal is generally due to doubting or distrusting what is being said.

hand clasping wrist

hands / wrist

frustration

Clasping a wrist, which may be behind the back or in open view, can be a signal of frustration, as if holding one back.

running hands through hair

hair / hair

flirting, or vexation, exasperation

Take your pick - running hands through the hair is commonly associated with flirting, and sometimes it is, although given different supporting signals, running hands through the hair can indicate exasperation or upset.

hand(s) on hip(s)

hands / arms

confidence, readiness, availability

The person is emphasizing their presence and readiness for action. Observable in various situations, notably sport, and less pronounced poses in social and work situations. In social and flirting context it is said that the hands are drawing attention to the genital area.

hands in pockets

hands / arms

disinterest, boredom

The obvious signal is one of inaction, and not being ready for action. Those who stand with hands in pockets - in situations where there is an expectation for people to be enthusiastic and ready for action - demonstrate apathy and lack of interest for the situation.

removing spectacles

hands / spectacles

alerting wish to speak

For people who wear reading-only spectacles, this is an example of an announcement or alerting gesture, where a person readies them to speak and attracts attention to the fact. Other alerting signals include raising the hand, taking a breath, moving upwards and forwards in their seat, etc.

handshake - palm down	handshake	dominance	Usually a firm handshake, the 'upper hand' tends to impose and/or create a dominant impression.
handshake - palm up	handshake	submission, accommodating	Usually not a strong handshake, the lower hand has submitted to the upper hand dominance. How all this ultimately translates into the subsequent relationship and outcomes can depend on more significant factors than the handshake.
handshake - both hands	handshake	seeking to convey trustworthiness and honesty, seeking to control	Whether genuine or not, this handshake is unduly physical and (often) uncomfortably domineering.
handshake - equal and vertical	handshake	non-threatening, relaxed	Most handshakes are like this, when neither person seeks to control or to yield.
firm handshake	Handshake	outward confidence	Avoid the common view that a firm handshake is the sign of a strong solid person. It is not. Firm handshakes are a sign of outward confidence, which could mask deceit or a weak bullying nature, or indicate a strong solid person. Strength of a handshake is not by itself an indicator of positive 'good' mood or personality, and caution is required in reading this signal. It is widely misinterpreted.