Ostracism Causes Lingering Pain in the Brain

June 14, 2011 – 10:41 am
By BJohnson

It’s often been noted that rejection is among the most painful of human emotions. Anyone who has felt the sting of rejection, ostracism or shunning knows how deeply these experiences sting.
According to a Purdue University expert, ostracism can cause pain that often is deeper and lasts longer than a physical injury.

“Being excluded or ostracized is an invisible form of bullying that doesn’t leave bruises, and therefore we often underestimate its impact,” said Kipling D. Williams, a professor of psychological sciences.

“Being excluded by high school friends, office colleagues, or even spouses or family members can be excruciating.”

“When a person is ostracized, the brain’s dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, which registers physical pain, also feels this social injury,” Williams said.

The process of ostracism includes three stages:
1. The initial acts of being ignored or excluded
2. Coping
3. Resignation

Fundamental and foundational to human needs are the feelings of belonging. Exclusion or ostracism is so painful because it threatens this need, and the core of our self esteem. “Again and again research has found that strong, harmful reactions are possible even when ostracized by a stranger or for a short amount of time,” said Williams.

More than 5,000 people have participated in studies using a computer game designed by Williams to show how just two or three minutes of ostracism can produce lingering negative feelings.
Even when being ignored briefly by strangers, with whom the individual will never have any face-to-face interaction, the negative effect is powerful and consistent. This was true even with a great variety of personalities.

People also vary in how they cope during the second stage of ostracism. Coping can mean the person tries to harder be included. For example they may try engage in behaviors that might foster acceptance: mimicking, complying, obeying orders, cooperating or expressing attraction.
If this tactic doesn’t work, and hope for inclusion is lost, people stop worrying about being liked, and decide they just want to be noticed. In this stage, they may resort to provocative behavior and even aggression.

However, if a person has been ostracized for a long time, people can’t continue to cope with the pain and often eventually give up. This is the third stage, called resignation.

The third stage is called resignation. In some people who have been ostracized, they become less helpful and more aggressive to others in general. They also may feel an increase in anger and sadness. “Long-term ostracism can result in alienation, depression, helplessness and feelings of unworthiness.”
Sometimes “extreme groups” (gangs and the like) can provide members with a sense of belonging, self-worth and control, but they can also fuel narrowness, radicalism and intolerance, and perhaps a propensity toward hostility and violence toward others.
When a person feels ostracized they feel out of control, and aggressive behavior is one way to restore that control.

If you’ve experienced ostracism, seek a safe, supportive therapist, counselor or wise friend who can help you traverse the pain. Seek out healthy individuals who are accepting, healthy and supportive. We also need to be aware (and teach our kids) that ostracism hurts people as deeply, if not more so, than a physical wound. No doubt such experiences hurt. But remember, there is always help.

Journal Reference:

K. D. Williams, S. A. Nida. Ostracism: Consequences and Coping. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 2011; 20 (2): 71 DOI: 10.1177/0963721411402480
Purdue University (2011, June 6). Pain of ostracism can be deep, long-lasting. ScienceDaily. Retrieved June 9, 2011, from http://www.sciencedaily.com¬ /releases/2011/05/110510151216.htm

A Kid Benefits from Neurofeeback

Migraines   PTSD  Addiction  TBI

I could include far more links than I've listed above...but the benefits of EEG Biofeedback are plenty! 

Recently I've had the privilege to work with a seven year old who used BrainPaint to improve his attentional/focus issues.  This delightful young man was having a number of behavioral issues at school - his teachers had implemented a behavioral chart which was not effective - and his parents only saw half of the problems at home that he was reported to have at school.
After just 10 sessions there was a noticeable improvement in his classroom behavior and now after 15 sessions he is able to exercise impulse control and make good behavioral choices. 

His parents are against medication for treating behavioral issues...and with an ADD/ADHD diagnosis or not they were not going to place him on medication as a form of treatment. It has been so fulfilling to see this little guy improve and know that he has already benefited from treatment and after a few more sessions won't require any more! 

If you've been looking for an alternate approach to tackling anxiety, depression, addiction, or just want to sharpen your skills then give BrainPaint a try. It's truly life changing.
 

Rediscovering Intimacy

Based on a post by Lashelle Charde  September 2009

New relationships always seem so exciting.  While floating on love chemicals you begin developing intimacy without the interruption of any major stressors. Think about the beginning of a romantic relationship….plenty of compliments, engaging conversations, and nurturing.

Think of expressing to your partner your appreciation of him….what delights you about him ….and make it consistent.  It’s like eating vegetables. You eat vegetable every day because they keep your body health…your relationship needs that same kind of consistent nurturing.

Celebrating and seeing your partner doesn’t mean offering praise or overused phrases like “good job”, “you did great”, “that’s wonderful honey”.  It means sharing from your heart and being specific. 

Let’s imagine a scenario.  Betty  and Bill have been together for 17 years.  Bill comes home one evening and sees Betty in the garden.  She has loved gardening since he met her years ago.  The scene is a familiar one.  Bill pauses to watch her and this time he really takes her in.  He notices the way she tucks her hair behind her ear.  He sees the slight smile and look of satisfaction as she drops ripe tomatoes in her basket.  He watches the way she moves being gentle and careful in her step.  Betty looks up and sees him looking on.  “What?” she says.  Bill walks over to her and says, “I love seeing you in the garden.  The gentleness and love you express and how much you enjoy yourself.  I am so happy you have this.”

Here Bill expresses his delight in something meaningful and alive in his partner.  Celebrating your partner in this subtle heartfelt way every day can help wake up the intimacy between two hearts that have drifted apart.

This week celebrate your partner at least once each day.  Put a bead in your pocket at the start of every morning as a reminder of your intention.

11-11-11

There is so much hype surrounding today’s date!

Today many new-age-spiritual-cosmic individuals are touting this “powerful & magical numerical sequence” which is said to serve as a visual reminder for you to activate and align your spiritual vibration with higher consciousness.

I don’t believe that today’s date, in itself, is specifically correlated to anything other than a date on a calendar, but I do support the belief that we can manifest our true desires and are able to raise our spiritual vibrations.

 If seeing  the number 11 serves as a helpful reminder to consciously heighten  awareness of your Divine creator and encourage you to exercise your spiritual muscles ….then ….say it, repeat it, draw it, shout it…..may the frequencies be with you.

Getting High with Digital Drugs

A friend recently shared an article addressing the relationship between sound and mood. I know that I amp the tunes at the gym, or slip in a Carlos Takai CD when I want to relax. The question is can sound get you high? (As in smoking marijuana)

Did that raise your eyebrows? Apparently there are quite a number of websites claiming that a specific sound can make someone actually feel as if he has taken drugs.  These digital drugs also referred to as “i-dosing” or “sonic drugs” work with binaural beats. Binaural beats occur when you listen to the playing of two different sounds with similar frequencies …one in each ear. It doesn’t really sound like music…but of like static noise.

It doesn’t seem like listening to these coherent sounds could prove harmful – especially if one gets the effects of taking prescription drugs or hallucinogens. However, messing around with your brainwaves is not recommended! Dr. Daniel Amen, of the Amen Clinic, stresses that every brain will respond differently to this kind of stimulus and the reaction could be dangerous. In fact, adolescents and teens are at a higher risk because their brains are not fully developed and any stimulus purposely used to affect the brain could disrupt brain development.

I am a huge proponent of EEG Biofeedback – training the brain to produce a desired outcome. There are legitimate and clinically based uses of sound therapy to treat anxiety, depression and to improve peak performance. Here comes the “but”…. BUT trying to mimic the “neurochemical effects of a narcotic” is definitely something that needs to be approached cautiously.

Out of control anxiety

 November 6, 2011

My anxiety got out of control today, any advice?

Today, I seriously got really worried about my background check at work or that my boss has died cause he didn’t send out schedule yet. I check my email every hour today and nothing came. He said that he was going to send it out today like he said and still nothing. So I’m assuming that something went wrong with my background check or that he died unexpectedly and I don’t have a job anymore–now I’m worried that my boss is dead. And i now about to look at the obituaries in the newspapers to see if his name shows up. Of course, i bought this up to my mom and my friend and they got frustrated and said that I was full of ****. I almost left my best friend today cause i thought it wouldn’t b fair for him to deal with a stupid and crazy person like me–he says sincerely he accepts me for who I am and that his life would suck without me, so that made me feel better. Am I just being way too paranoid and worried about things lately? I sometimes just lose touch with what’s real and what’s irrational? Any advice appreciated?  Btw, I am on medication and counseling didn’t do much 4 me

Dear Worried & Anxious,

As I started reading through your entry I had to wonder if you were on anti-anxiety medication…which when I got to the end I see you are.  I’m guessing it’s not working for you (stating the obvious) and perhaps you need to go back to your physician to get your dosage tweaked.

Not that I’m a huge support of medication treatment, but I do recognize that it can be helpful while people are working through their issues.

I’m sure you’ve heard countless time about relaxation techniques (deep breathing, visualization, etc.) and I’m guessing that these haven’t been very helpful either.

When I’m working with a client I’m always looking for the underlying issue that creates emotional symptoms – which in your case is anxiety. I’d be interested in tracking your anxiety experiences and seeing where it all began. Looking at the things that bothered you today I can’t help but see a theme of situations that are out of your control: background check interpretation and your schedule. As I’ve mentioned before: Control and Fear are two sides of the same coin. Lack of control=fear. Fear=not being in control.

What does it mean to you to not be in control of a situation? What is the worst possible thing that could happen?

If you started exploring your anxiety by answering these questions I have a feeling that you would be able to get a handle on the anxiety.

6 Facts about Transpersonal Psychology

Did you ever take a Transpersonal Psychology class in school? Chances are the answer is "no." But if you're like me...you may have had the opportunity to explore this area post undergrad.

Here's an article by  Margarita Tartakovsky associate editor at Psych Central.

I don’t remember learning about transpersonal psychology in my clinical psych program. (With all that reading and lack of sleep, it’s also possible I just missed that lesson.) So I was intrigued when I recently came across the term, and decided to do some digging.

In the Foreword of The Textbook of Transpersonal Psychiatry and Psychology, writer Ken Wilber defines “transpersonal” as “personal plus.” He explains that transpersonal work integrates both personal psychology and psychiatry but then “adds those deeper or higher aspects of human experience that transcend the ordinary and the average—experiences that are, in other words, ‘transpersonal’ or ‘more than personal,’ personal plus.”

It turns out that transpersonal psychology focuses on the spiritual. Bruce W. Scotton, M.D., one of the editors of the book, describes “spiritual” as “the realm of the human spirit, that part of humanity that is not limited to bodily experience.”

The British Psychological Society also acknowledges the central emphasis on spirituality in transpersonal psychology:

Transpersonal Psychology might loosely be called the psychology of spirituality and of those areas of the human mind which search for higher meanings in life, and which move beyond the limited boundaries of the ego to access an enhanced capacity for wisdom, creativity, unconditional love and compassion. It honors the existence of transpersonal experiences, and is concerned with their meaning for the individual and with their effect upon behavior.

According to the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology (which is a private graduate school founded in 1975):

Traditional psychology is interested in a continuum of human experience and behavior ranging from severe dysfunction, mental and emotional illness at one end, to what is generally considered “normal”, healthy behavior at the other end and various degrees of normal and maladjustment in between. While an exact definition of Transpersonal Psychology is the subject of debate, Transpersonal Psychology is a full spectrum psychology that encompasses all of this and then goes beyond it by adding a serious scholarly interest in the immanent and transcendent dimensions of human experience: exceptional human functioning, experiences, performances and achievements, true genius, the nature and meaning of deep religious and mystical experiences, non-ordinary states of consciousness, and how we might foster the fulfillment of our highest potentials as human beings.

Transpersonal psychology combines a variety of approaches in psychology, including behaviorism, cognitive psychology and humanistic psychology, along with other disciplines, including Eastern and Western philosophy, mysticism, mindfulness and the world’s religions.

Below are six other facts about transpersonal psychology, from the therapist’s role in psychotherapy to transpersonal psychology’s history as a field.

1. Transpersonal psychology doesn’t have specific tools or methods.

“Transpersonal psychotherapy is rooted in an ideology and a basic humility that operates behind the scenes,” said psychotherapist, author and teacher Jeffrey Sumber. “It is less about a particular tool or methodology and more about an intention that motivates the intervention,” he said.

2. Relationships in transpersonal psychology are key.

According to Sumber, “Transpersonal Psychology is an approach to understanding the way our minds operate through our relationships with others, resting in the belief that there is something bigger and deeper in the space between which operates upon us.”

The relationship between client and therapist is just as important as the client’s other relationships. “… The space between therapist and client is as sacred and transformative as that space between the client and their issues, their families and friends, etc.,” he said.

And both people change as a result of this relationship. As Sumber writes on his website, “…in order for positive change to occur for the client, it must also occur for the therapist on some level, by and through the bonds of our relationship.”

3. The therapist isn’t viewed as the expert.

Rather, the therapist is “the facilitator [who] assist[s] the client in uncovering their own truth and their own process,” Sumber said. “The only room for expertise is the therapists’ ability to reflect the client’s own truth back to them with as little of the therapist’s own baggage as possible,” he added.

4. Transpersonal psychology doesn’t judge others’ experiences.

Sumber said that transpersonal psychology also is based on the belief that the “client and the therapist both have their own experiences and neither is right, wrong, correct or incorrect, healthy or unhealthy.”

“If a client brings an experience into therapy that makes me uncomfortable, I have the ability to look at my own discomfort and work on it and I can even disclose it to the client if that is appropriate.”

5. Various well-known psychologists pioneered transpersonal psychology.

According to The Institute of Transpersonal Psychology, William James, Carl Jung and Abraham Maslow are just a few of the psychologists that played a role in pioneering transpersonal psychology. (Find out more about each psychologist here.)

In fact, William James was the first to use the term “transpersonal” in a 1905 lecture, according to The Textbook of Transpersonal Psychiatry and Psychology, and he’s referred to as the founder of modern transpersonal psychology and psychiatry. As psychologist Eugene Taylor, Ph.D, writes in the book:

He was the first to use the term transpersonal in an English-language context and the first to articulate a scientific study of consciousness within a framework of evolutionary biology. He experimented with psychoactive substances to observe their effects on his own consciousness and was a pioneer in founding the field that is now called parapsychology. He helped to cultivate modern interest in dissociated states, multiple personality, and theories of the subconscious. He explored the field of comparative religion and was probably the first American psychologist to establish relationships with or to influence a number of Asian meditation teachers. He also pioneered in writing about the psychology of mystical experience.

6. Transpersonal psychology emerged as a field in the late 1960s.

According to the article “Brief History of Transpersonal Psychology” written by one of transpersonal psychology’s founders, psychiatrist Stanislav Grof, in the International Journal of Transpersonal Studies:

In 1967, a small working group including Abraham Maslow, Anthony Sutich, Stanislav Grof, James Fadiman, Miles Vich, and Sonya Margulies met in Menlo Park, California, with the purpose of creating a new psychology that would honor the entire spectrum of human experience, including various non-ordinary states of consciousness. During these discussions, Maslow and Sutich accepted Grof’s suggestion and named the new discipline “transpersonal psychology.” This term replaced their own original name “transhumanistic,” or “reaching beyond humanistic concerns.” Soon after- wards, they launched the Association of Transpersonal Psychology (ATP), and started the Journal of Transpersonal Psychology. Several years later, in 1975, Robert Frager founded the (California) Institute of Transpersonal Psychology in Palo Alto, which has remained at the cutting edge of transpersonal education, research, and therapy for more than three decades. The International Transpersonal Association was launched in 1978 by myself, as its founding president, and Michael Murphy and Richard Price, founders of Esalen Institute.

Finding THE LOVE

I've had a post brewing in my head the last few days...actually a few of them. I've come across a few situations lately involving relationship problems...so this is where today's post will lead me.

It seems to me that at the core of every relationship problem is a disconnect in feeling connected. I truly believe that what we all want is to be loved, feel loved by another and want to be able to express that love. When that core has been shaken the entire relationship scaffolding begins to crack and separate.

What rocks the relationship foundation? How does that loving connection pull apart? It can be any number of things from feeling ignored by your loved one to losing that sense of trust in your partner’s feelings.

Hurt, betrayal, loss, anger, resentment…reactions to losing that connection…losing that “I have a loving partner and am loved” feeling.

Can you get it back? Will you ever be able to repair the relationship?

Yes…if both people want to make it happen. But, it will take some work.

Getting back to the basics of connection...what drew you together in the first place? What do you admire or respect about one another? If you can peel away the layers of relationship sabotage you may be able to find that link that once held you together…drew you together...and made you a couple by giving and receiving love.

Perhaps it’s time to bag the garbage and shovel off the emotions that no longer help to create a loving relationship.  Wallowing in faulty thoughts, reactive selves, and unloving emotions will only serve to break your foundation.

Change has to be made to get back to the core of the relationship and rediscover the love.