tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-70819188419102409092014-11-17T08:13:22.759-05:00Life CairnsCreate your LifeLesa Leidennoreply@blogger.comBlogger165125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081918841910240909.post-82696413990018185842014-11-12T08:53:00.001-05:002014-11-12T08:53:30.178-05:00He Never Hit Me<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">A client recently shared this article with me - I wanted to pass it along.<br /><br />By Reut Amit<br /><br /><em>Warning: This post contains descriptions of intimate partner abuse and may be triggering to some.</em><br />How many times did I find myself on his bathroom floor cowering beneath him, feeling the hot spit land on me as he screamed? <em>Stop crying like a baby. You're crazy. No one else would put up with you.</em> How many times did I shudder on that floor counting my breaths, bringing myself back from the brink of suffocation during a panic attack that was triggered by one of these maniacal and regular assaults? But he never hit me.<br />How many hours did I remain on that bathroom floor after he had gone to bed, my eyes red with burst blood vessels? How many times did I hear the sound of his snores and realize he had fallen asleep, no more than a meter away, to the sound of me hyperventilating while still in the throes of that panic attack? How many times did I whisper aloud, "How did I get here? How did I become this woman?" How many times did I tell myself to get up, call a cab and walk out the front door? How many times did I get up and look in that mirror and fail to recognize myself? How much hate could I have for the broken woman staring back at me? But he never hit me.<br />How many times did I crawl into that bed, rather than into a cab, and wake up with his arms around me, telling me that I brought it out in him? <em>He wasn't like this. I made him like this. I needed to change the way I approached him about these things. Be less accusatory. If I just softened my approach, it would allow him to react differently.</em> How many times did I adjust my approach before I realized the only way to avoid the abuse was not to bring it up at all? But he never hit me.<br />How many emails and text messages did I find? How many parties did we attend knowing that one of the women was there? I learned quickly not to address it so that "I" wouldn't ruin a perfectly nice evening. When his family member asked me if a lipstick she had found under the couch was mine, I threw it away and said nothing more of it. Neither did she. Another humiliation taken in silence. But he never hit me.<br />How many times did he tell me he was going to sleep, out for dinner with a client, couldn't hear his phone, but actually taking out another woman? How many times did he ignore my calls and call the next morning telling me nothing had happened? It was sadistic. I could see how much he enjoyed being that powerful. How many defamatory lies did he concoct and propagate to my old colleagues and friends when I walked away from him? How many times did he smear my reputation? How many times did I go back, believing every promise that he was a new man, believing every half-hearted apology? But he never hit me. <br />How many times did a friend pick me up because he had kicked me out of bed in the middle of the night for questioning him about one of the women? How many times did I go back before those friends had had enough. How many times did I defend him and justify his behavior when I told a friend about what he had done? When did I stop telling anyone altogether to avoid the shame of the insanity of the circumstances I was somehow in -- the shame of being a strong independent woman who couldn't take care of herself enough to leave a situation that was so toxic? When did I stop expecting more? But he never hit me.<br />How could I explain to someone that I believed it was partly my fault, even though I was embarrassed to hear those beaten woman's words spoken from my lips. <em>No one really understood. No one knew him like I did. It was my job to protect him from the truth of what he did to me. I couldn't let them think he was a monster. I wouldn't tell anyone</em>. I was entirely alone. But he never hit me.<br />My solitude meant that I could no longer see the reflection in other people's eyes indicating what was normal. I could only see the reflection in his eyes and began to believe what he told me about myself. I began to believe his irrational explanations despite my own heart and eyes. I let him define reality. I became isolated. It became easier to cut off my support networks completely than to have to lie about everything. Than to face the humiliation of my reality. A part of me knew that once they knew the extent of what was happening, they would force me to get out for good. I wouldn't be able to go back. I knew I would always need to even in the worst of times. But he never hit me.<br />I set a benchmark. The red line I wouldn't cross. The minute he hit me, I would leave. But the truth is, I know I wouldn't have left then either. I would have rationalized that in hitting me, he would realize how out of hand things were. Everything would change now. I wouldn't have left. By hurting me, he showed me he loved me. He cared enough to go that crazy. He cared so much that he was overwhelmed by anger or jealousy or sadness and simply couldn't control himself.<br />When it was over, I wasn't permitted to mourn him. No one could understand how love, hate, fear and comfort could coexist simultaneously. They could not understand that in addition to my abuser, I also lost my confidant, the person to make dinner with, the person to watch movies with on a rainy Sunday, the person to laugh with, the person who knew me. I lost my companion. How can you explain to someone that the abuse was only a part of who he was? How do you explain that to yourself?<br />There are still days when I remember tender moments and wonder if it really was that bad. I still struggle with reconciling how he could love me to the point of tears and yet hurt me as if I was an enemy. Like a child, I'm learning to redefine the borders of normal behavior and to realign my expectations. I remind myself that acts of violence can never be acts of love. <br />For the first time, I see my own reflection in other women who have emerged from the depths of such darkness. Indescribably courageous women whom I have never met, but who have shared their stories and in doing so, saved me. These women embraced me with their pain and unknowingly convinced me that I was not alone, that I am worthy of more. I hadn't believed that singular truth in a very long time. <br />Knowing that others were there has allowed the shame to dissipate. I used to default to the trained belief that I was crazy, overly sensitive or had imagined it all because I could not reconcile the love and the abuse. I have permitted myself to accept that both existed. Their stories have allowed me to forgive myself. To recognize how arbitrary that red line was. Seeing myself in their eyes has allowed me to name my abuser. To name my experience as an abused woman. And then to let go. <br />I pray now that my words will travel to the broken woman staring back at them and embrace her. I hope they equip her with the strength and love she needs to raise herself from the depths.<br /><em>Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for the <a href="http://www.thehotline.org/">National Domestic Violence Hotline</a> or visit the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline operated by <a href="https://ohl.rainn.org/online/" target="_hplink">RAINN</a>. </em></div>Lesa Leidennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081918841910240909.post-18904305494012822922014-10-28T21:06:00.000-04:002014-10-28T21:06:00.784-04:00Stressed! 10 symptoms you shouldn't ignore<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">By Dr. Alice Domar</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">Your body and mind aren't subtle. They are constantly sending out signals. Sometimes we listen: we eat when hungry, drink when thirsty, and hopefully sleep when tired. But are you as responsive when the cause of our discomfort is stress? </div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">Much of the time, when our body and mind are desperately trying to get us to slow down, we pretend not to hear. But <a href="http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14420/the-top-7-causes-of-stress-in-america-today.html" style="color: #5ac7e1; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">the symptoms of stress</a> are loud and clear. Do you know what they are? </div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><b>Here are the top ten symptoms of stress:</b></div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><b>1. Insomnia</b></div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><b>2. Headaches</b></div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><b>3. Neck/back pain</b></div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><b>4. High blood pressure</b></div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><b>5. Shortness of breath</b></div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><b>6. Gastrointestinal problems </b>(constipation, diarrhea, gas, abdominal pain, heartburn, reflux) </div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><b>7. Irritability</b></div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><b>8. Fatigue</b></div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><b>9. Menstrual irregularities</b></div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><b>10. Tearfulness</b></div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">Do you have any of these symptoms? If you do, be honest with yourself. What do you do when you experience any of them? Do you stop, think about possible causes for your symptoms and take better care of yourself? Or do you simply take a pill? </div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">If you were to look up the top selling prescription and over-the-counter medications, you would find that almost all of them treat symptoms that exactly match these stress symptoms. This can only mean one thing. </div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">Our bodies are doing their best to send us a clear signal that we aren't doing a very good job of taking care of ourselves. This is the meaning of our stress symptoms. Yet we <a href="http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14922/too-many-pills-5-health-conditions-that-may-not-require-prescription-drugs.html" style="color: #5ac7e1; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">treat the symptoms with medication</a>, rather than managing our stress. </div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">A headache? Ibuprofen or acetaminophen. Fatigue? Coffee, tea or an energy drink. GI symptoms? Antacids or proton pump inhibitors. These various pills do work. They make the symptom better or go away entirely. Right? </div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">But what is missing in this equation is the notion of stress <em>prevention. </em>What is making a given symptom temporarily go away is not what your body needs. What your body actually needs is for you to figure out why that symptom is happening in the first place. </div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">When you have a tension headache, your body is telling you that it needs something. It needs more sleep, or less anxiety about your job, or a more considerate partner. When you have acid indigestion, <a href="http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-15205/are-you-a-caffeine-addict-how-to-kick-the-habit.html" style="color: #5ac7e1; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">it needs less caffeine</a>, shorter workdays, and more fun. </div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">The next time you experience one of the "top ten", stop, and listen. Before you reach for your medicine cabinet or head to your local pharmacy, realize that your body is trying to tell you something. So listen and learn. </div><div><br /></div></div>Lesa Leidennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081918841910240909.post-78739733895494059972014-09-22T17:07:00.002-04:002014-09-22T17:07:29.052-04:00Get your run and meditation on!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">In our deadline-driven world, running has gained tremendous popularity recently as a means of getting away from it all and connecting with the outdoors, while getting fit and sweating out the pressure of the daily grind.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><a href="http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14788/a-one-minute-meditation-to-silence-your-mind-calm-your-energy.html" style="color: #5ac7e1; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Meditation has also gained a huge foothold recently</a>, as people turn inward to try and calm their racing minds, regain control, and let go of an overwhelming flood of thoughts.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">The challenge with both <a href="http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-8270/how-to-meditate-while-running.html" style="color: #5ac7e1; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">running and meditation</a> is that we're rarely skilled enough to truly let go of it all. No matter how much we run, we can't leave our troubles behind. And while meditation sounds great on paper, it's hard to find the time, and when we finally do, it's often incredibly challenging to get the body and mind to cooperate.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">But what if there was a way to tame the mind, while simultaneously training your body?</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">That's where mindful running steps in. It helps bring a meditative practice to your movement, creating a healthier way to run, that's more enjoyable, with better results for body, mind and soul.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">The term "<a href="http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14121/how-to-turn-your-run-into-a-meditation.html" style="color: #5ac7e1; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">mindful running" may be new, but the practice has existed for thousands of years</a>. From the Tibetan lung-gom-pa runners, to the "marathon monks" of Japan, to the Incan messengers of Machu Picchu, humanity has a long history of pairing running with meditation.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">Take the ancient lung-gom-pa runners. Initiates would spend three years in silent meditation, focusing solely on emptying their minds and controlling their breaths, before allowed to take a single step. Yet once they'd tamed their minds, they could run almost effortlessly incredible distances, up to 400 miles at a go, according to <a href="http://www.amazon.com/White-Clouds-Lama-Anagarika-Govinda/dp/1585674656/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?tag=mind0a3-20" style="color: #5ac7e1; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em>The Way of the White Clouds</em></a> by Lama Anagarika Govinda and <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Magic-Mystery-Tibet-Alexandra-David-Neel/dp/0486226824/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?tag=mind0a3-20" style="color: #5ac7e1; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><em>Magic and Mystery in Tibet</em></a> by Alexandra David-Neel.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">By focusing on mindfulness and breath, these runners are said to have achieved a sense of enlightenment here on earth, and an almost superhuman state of fitness. But you needn't lock yourself up for three years to enjoy tremendous benefits. Instead, by focusing on three key elements anyone can do, you can bring more presence, peace and fitness to your walks and runs.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><span style="font-weight: 700;">1. Run in sync with your breath.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">The breath brings in energy, or <em>prana</em>, and is our metronome and guide. Moving breath-centered, we reconnect with our bodies, moving more efficiently and relaxed. Inhaling deep brings in more oxygen, calms our nervous system and reduces muscle tension.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">How to begin? Start walking, and later, slowly running in sync with your breath. It doesn’t matter your pattern to begin, just get your breath and steps together. For instance, <em>inhale, step, step, step, exhale, step, step, step.</em></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">Next, always breathe through your nose down to your diaphragm. Rapid mouth breathing triggers an inflammatory fight or flight response, while nasal belly-breathing does the reverse, slowing the heart while soothing and healing the body.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><span style="font-weight: 700;">2. Watch your stride.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">Most runners fight their bodies, pounding along, and struggling to breathe. The average runner’s stride has us hitting the brakes with each step. Yet the body gives us clues to move better. Once we gain awareness, we quickly lose the huffing and puffing, and pounding along.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">How to begin? First, watch and listen to your footsteps, working to shorten and silence your stride. This means less bouncing, wasted effort and potential joint damage. Second, keep your arms up and high, never swinging side-to-side.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">The higher your arms, the quieter you land, the less you swing sideways, the less torque on knees, hips, and back. Third, picture a silvery string, pulling upward through your head toward the sky. The taller you run, the lighter, with less stress on your shoulders, back and knees.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><span style="font-weight: 700;">3. Practice Ten Count breathing.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">When you’re focused on body and breath, there's little room left for extraneous thought, instead you focus 100% attention on the task at hand while running firmly in the now. This doesn’t just quiet the mind, but rewires you for greater concentration, awareness, and creativity throughout the day.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">How to begin? The simplest way is the <em>Ten Count.</em></div><ul style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin: 0px 0px 10px 25px; padding: 0px;"><li>Begin with 5 minutes of walking or jogging.</li><li>Simply count ten inhalations and exhalations, and then repeat.</li><li>If a stray thought comes up, drop it like a hot potato, then go right back into your count.</li></ul><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">By rewiring the mind, and improving our health, mindful running can be a life-transformative experience. It helps us get back in our bodies, let go of stress, get fit, and to heal. More importantly, it gives us the gift of silence, even on a busy street.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">By slowing our racing minds, we have more room to think more clearly, be more compassionate, especially toward ourselves, connect with the earth, and to discover improvement in all areas of our lives.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">So focus on your breath, drop those thoughts and watch those steps. Then, you too, can experience the pure joy of mindful running.</div><div>by Michael Sandler</div></div>Lesa Leidennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081918841910240909.post-4728311345941902602014-09-03T16:04:00.000-04:002014-09-03T16:04:00.237-04:00Expressing the Aliveness of a Need<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;">When expressing an unmet need, your tone, energy, and manner reveal where your attention is. When your attention rests on the aliveness of the need itself, there is a greater aliveness in you and an increased possibility that your listener will be able to connect with you.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;">Let's take an example from a gem reader named Rob. Rob says he has difficulty sharing his feelings and needs. He longs to be seen and celebrated. He wants his partner Chris to ask him more questions about his experiences each day and to initiate conversations about their relationship as often as he does.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;">Coming from the hurt of his unmet need around being seen, Rob communicates to Chris:</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;">"<em>I need as much attention as I give you. I feel left out and unattended and uncared for. I need you to take as much interest in my life as I take in yours. I feel like I am not important to you."</em></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;">Rob has attempted to communicate his feelings and needs. Tragically he has likely inspired guilt,<em></em>defensiveness, and disconnect. He has told Chris what he thinks Chris is doing or not doing rather than actually sharing his feelings and needs. Following the structure of Nonviolent Communication, Rob might have said the same thing this way:<br /><br />"<em>When I notice that at dinner last night we talked about your day for 30 minutes and my day for 10, I feel sad and disappointed because I long to be seen and cared for. Would you be willing to take more time to hear about my day tonight at dinner?" </em><br /><br />This expression will increase the chances of Rob being heard and still there is something missing and Rob's heart is not fully expressed. The felt sense or quality of the needs is missing.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;">To express the aliveness of your need, you can begin by asking yourself to slow down and take a few minutes to experience the need that is alive for you. Allow your total attention to be in the experience of the need. Drop the other person and the circumstance for the moment. Bringing up a memory of when the need was met can help. For example, to do this Rob can ask himself, "<em>What is the experience of being seen and heard fully? What does it feel like in my heart and body?" </em>Rob then takes a few minutes to experience the feelings and sensations that come up.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;">Creating this level of connection with your own needs, the other person gets to experience the aliveness of your need rather than what's lacking. From this place of connection to the aliveness of your needs a natural giving from the heart arises.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;">Having connected more fully to his needs, Rob might express himself like this:</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;"><em>"I feel sad because I long to be seen for all of who I am and at the same I feel excitement when I think about sharing more of who I am with you. I have so much that I want to share – what I'm excited about, what's hard for me, what I am learning. Chris can you tell me what you are hearing me say?"</em></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;">Shifting to sharing your needs from the aliveness of the need makes it easier to let go of judgments about how the other person is wrong or neglectful. Your needs are you own, to honor and enjoy, and to meet in a way that has you thriving with aliveness.<br /><br /><em><u>Practice</u></em><br />This week practice connecting to the aliveness of your need by expressing a celebration of a need met each day.</div><div><br /></div><div>LaShelle Charde</div></div>Lesa Leidennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081918841910240909.post-12211917231502077942014-08-31T16:03:00.001-04:002014-08-31T16:03:52.402-04:00Vulnerability & Feedback<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;">As someone who values compassionate communication, you know that when you allow yourself to share in a more vulnerable way with others there is an opportunity for a more fulfilling connection.<br /><br />But asking yourself to be more vulnerable, isn't a do-able request, it's more like a reference to a basket of needs that you would like to have met; connection, like I mentioned above, along with being seen & heard, mutuality, empathy, acceptance, and intimacy, to name a few.<br /><br />Allowing yourself to "be more vulnerable" (which could be translated as share more of who you are) and get some of these needs met requires a lot of little actions along the way. For simplicity sake, let's look at just two categories of actions:<br />1. Evaluate and Create Supportive Conditions<br />2. Ask for feedback by makin in the moment connection requests of others and yourself<br /><br /><u>1. Evaluate and Create Supportive Conditions </u><br />If you are someone who is attempting to share more of who you are, then your default sharing mode is probably one in which you share as little as possible. Your unconscious habit is to evaluate conditions as unsafe to share.<br /><br />The first action to take is to catch this unconscious pattern at work. It's probably easiest to do this when you are moving from a familiar environment to an unfamiliar environment. Look for signs of withdrawing, like subtle body tension, narrow focus, and tight mouth or throat.<br /><br />The next action is to bring this evaluation to conscious awareness. This means actually looking around and asking yourself, does this seem like a safe environment? If you do this in superficial sort of way it won't work. It's important to focus your attention and really take in the environment and people. Some evaluation questions might be: <em>Are people looking at each other? Are people smiling? Is body posture mostly open or closed? Is there a lot of distraction in the environment interfering with an ability to connect or is the environment basically peaceful and protected from distraction? Is there a time pressure or schedule?</em><br /><br />Based on what you notice, you determine what amount of vulnerable sharing the conditions currently support. For example, a ten minute coffee break at work might support a conversation about what you did on vacation, but not a conversation about the custody battle you are in with your ex-partner. If you shared about the custody battle on the coffee break, you wouldn't likely get the empathy and listening that honors the vulnerability of your sharing.<br /><br />Create supportive conditions by making requests of yourself and others before you share. Such requests might include the following:</div><ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;"><li style="margin-left: 15px;">Ask yourself what you want back from the other person before you share.</li><li style="margin-left: 15px;">Discern the circumstances that would best support your sharing. This might mean asking yourself to wait for a particular time and place before you share. It might mean deciding between an on the phone or in person dialogue.</li><li style="margin-left: 15px;">Make a request of the other person about what you are wanting back and when you would like to share. For example, "I am wanting to talk about what happened with the doctor's visit today and just need some empathy. Would you be up for sitting on the couch and talking after dinner?</li><li style="margin-left: 15px;">Make a request about the amount of time you would like for the dialogue. With time it's not so much about the exact amount of time, but rather the amount of receiving a particular time frame supports. For example, saying "I'd like to just to take as much time as we need this evening to talk about the upcoming move" creates a spaciousness for connection, even though conversation might last fifteen minutes or two hours.</li></ul><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;"> </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;" /><u style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;">2. Ask for feedback by making in the moment connection requests of others and yourself</u><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;">Connection requests are requests that create connection around what is expressed in the moment. You have likely had the experience of sharing something vulnerable and then feeling it just float there in the air between you and the other person. Neither of you really know what to do with what was shared. Connection requests give you something to do in that moment. They are a way to move forward in the conversation. Here are some examples of connection requests:</span><br /><ul style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;"><li style="margin-left: 15px;">What comes up for you hearing that?</li><li style="margin-left: 15px;">I'm looking for empathy, can you tell me what you understand about my experience?</li><li style="margin-left: 15px;">I'm not sure I'm making sense, can you tell me what you got from what I said?</li><li style="margin-left: 15px;">Looks like something comes up for you hearing what I said. Would you be willing to say?</li><li style="margin-left: 15px;">I shared that because I want to celebrate. Can I get a high five?</li><li style="margin-left: 15px;">Saying I'm sick I am just looking for sympathy. I'd like to hear something like "I'm sorry you're sick".</li><li style="margin-left: 15px;">When you are silent as I talk I am not sure you are with me. If you are connecting to what I am saying, could you give me an uh-huh, or a head nod?</li><li style="margin-left: 15px;">Sharing my story, I am not sure if I am way off or not. Could you tell me if it makes sense to you?</li></ul><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;"> </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;">Of course all these requests also work in the reverse. When someone else shares something vulnerable you could ask if they want any of these things from you.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;"> </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;">Feedback is something we constantly rely on from others. As social beings we need to know how we are affecting others and if we are accepted and in harmony with the group. We get that feedback primarily through body language and facial expression and secondarily through words. When you want a connection to be deeper or clearer, asking for feedback is a useful way to get there. When you evaluate and create supportive conditions and ask for feedback, you can experience a whole new quality of connection.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;"> </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;" /><em style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;"><u>Practice</u></em><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;">This week choose one of the actions listed above to practice. Pick a particular environment or relationship in which to practice.</span><br /><div><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;">LaShelle Charde</span></div></div>Lesa Leidennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081918841910240909.post-89267581628993324992014-08-23T00:05:00.002-04:002014-08-23T00:05:47.891-04:00If not you...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="MsoNormal">If not you…<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">If you’re not the one providing your partner with validation, affirmation, and/or reassurance I can guarantee you that someone else will.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Once your partner begins to feel that s/he can’t trust you with daily activities, frustrations, inner thoughts and fears then expect disconnection and disengagement to strengthen.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">For example:<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">A comes home from work and expresses a concern that (pick one: he’s about to be fired, he feels your connection has weakened, or he doubts his abilities in general).<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">You (Y) dismiss his concerns, or tell him he’s being foolish, or ignore his concerns and without providing validation begin talking about your own problems.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">A stops sharing.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Remember…if not you then someone else will be available to replace the need that you haven’t or won’t meet.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">A goes to the gym to let off steam. There he runs into S. S begins to ask how he’s been lately and A opens up about a concern. S listens. S affirms. S reassures.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">A becomes less inclined to open and share with Y because, based on past experience, he believes Y does not care and will reject his need for emotional closeness, validation, etc. Instead, A waits until he sees S again and seeks the emotional support that S is willing to provide. An emotional bond has begun.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Don’t let this happen to you. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Love means listening to your partner and being available, present and mindful when your partner needs you. Love means making the choice to support your partner. 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mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style><![endif]--> <!--StartFragment--> <!--EndFragment--><br /><div class="MsoNormal">If you don’t make the choice to listen to your partner then someone else will. <o:p></o:p></div></div>Lesa Leidennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081918841910240909.post-1932288796099778592014-08-14T00:57:00.000-04:002014-08-14T00:57:26.709-04:00When is the relationship over? 5 signs it’s time to move on.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br /><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">1. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you stop trying.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">2. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When the relationship causes more sadness than joy.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When your emotional support is elsewhere.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">4.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you live separate lives. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">5. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you dream about the perfect relationship and it’s not the one you’re in.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br /></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">Breaking up is hard. It’s difficult. It sucks. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br /></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">But sometimes it needs to be done.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br /></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">I know…I always promote repair, attempts, connection, re-connection….<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br /></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">It’s like this: if your hand hurts<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>- you don’t cut it off. If your hand <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">really </i>hurts – you take a pill. If your hand <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">really, really</i> hurts – you see a specialist. If your hand is turning black, is numb and is killing you – it’s time to cut it off.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br /></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">Relationships aren’t much different. Really. If you’ve worked on your relationship and made the choice to love your partner then you’ll do the work to keep the relationship strong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But if you’ve exhausted quality time, and the laughter is gone and you feel like you’re the only one shouldering the weight of keeping the relationship going…then it’s time to decide if the relationship is over.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br /></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">When you stop trying to find solutions to conflicts and just argue then you’ve stopped putting in the effort to make things work and when you’ve both given up on reparative effort then the end is not far off. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br /></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">If you look back over the past three months and experienced more nights in tears than in giggles…perhaps your relationship isn’t the healthiest for you. A little friction in a relationship isn’t bad..it’s actually quite normal. What you don’t want is the scale tipped in the direction of sadness, melancholy, and dejection. This isn’t healthy and it needs to be fixed before you start manifesting your feelings as headaches, stomach aches and fatigue.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br /></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">You’re having a bad day. You’re sad, upset, frustrated and it shows. Your brow is furrowed; Tears glisten in your eyes and you can barely manage a smile. You just want your partner to ask how your day was and then <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">listen. </i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You want empathy, validation, or a shoulder to cry on. Only, your partner is no longer the first person you go to when you’re upset. You’ve been conditioned that he doesn’t want to hear what you have to say…or he changes the subject…or he only wants to hear ‘happy talk.’ Women typically have best friends that they seek out when they have a problem, but when you feel like you can’t bare your soul to your partner chances are you’re on your way out of the relationship.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br /></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">You want to be a priority. You deserve to feel like a priority in your relationship. If your partner is no longer asking about your day…or not asking follow up questions to, “how was your day?” then he’s just not interested. The two of you have separate activities and rarely spend quality time together…it begins to look like you no longer care about one another. You’ve lost interest and are leading separate lives. You co-exist and the relationship is over. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br /></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">If you are picturing the perfect relationship and comparing how it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">differs</i> from the one you’re in…then something is definitely wrong with your relationship. Maybe you begin thinking about what you want in the future…you may even fantasize about past relationships…you only know that the relationship perfect for you is not the one you’re in. If you find yourself uncomfortable around happy couples….It’s time to find happiness. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing"><br /></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing">Ideally you will identify markers that signify the beginning of the end of your relationship. An intimate relationship can be revived …but <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">both</i> partners have to want it…and want it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">badly</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You will need to reach outside your comfort zone and do the work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyone wants to be happy. 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mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style><![endif]--> <!--StartFragment--> <!--EndFragment--><br /><div class="MsoNoSpacing">Sadly, sometimes being happy means starting out alone.<o:p></o:p></div></div>Lesa Leidennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081918841910240909.post-26038713635039073842014-08-12T23:13:00.002-04:002014-08-12T23:13:31.835-04:00How do I know if I'm with the right one?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br /><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">If you are beginning a relationship, below are some simple questions to ask yourself in determining if you are with the perfect person for you (because there is no perfect person!). If you are already in a relationship or married – don’t despair. If you answer “no” to any of the questions it doesn’t mean that all hope is lost…it just means that you have to work a little harder to build a strong relationship that is perfect for you. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">The first question to ask is: <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Do we have the same goals? <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">And by having the same goals I don’t mean, “we both want a really big house on the water.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not important what your house looks like on the outside – it’s how it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">feels</i> on the inside. Is your home filled with love, respect, trust, laughter, etc. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">Don’t think, “We want to make a lot of money.” Of course that would be nice… instead, what goals do you want to meet by having a lot of money? Is there a charity you want to support? <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">Having goals in common is helpful in determining your common passions. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">The second question to ask is:<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Am I physically attracted to my partner?<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">We all know that we are initially drawn to someone we find physically attractive. We also keep those fires burning and those passions ignited by maintaining a level of attractiveness to our partners.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">Ladies, do you dress for work or look your best when going out with your friends? Do you find yourself coming home to slip on yoga pants and pull your hair up into a ponytail? Remember what you looked like when you attracted your man. Chances are you had on makeup, a coifed hairdo and a recent pedicure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t forget…he’s exposed to women during the day who are GOING OUT and looking their best…not women dressed for lounging around comfy on the sofa. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Gentleman, the same goes for you. When was your last shower? Did you shave this past weekend? Were you wearing cologne when you met your partner? Men, your woman is out seeing me who are looking their best! Don’t throw on the t-shirt from yesterday after giving it a quick sniff test…put on a clean shirt and present yourself to your partner like you did when you first met. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">The third question is different for men and for women. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">For women, the question is “Do you respect him?” It is a big deal for a man to have his partner respect him. A man needs to be respected and wants to be loved.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">I often equate ‘respect’ with putting your partner first. Log off Facebook and talk to your husband when he comes home from work. Show him you care and honor him.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">A woman needs to be loved and wants to be respected.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The question for men is, “Will you be happy making her happy for the rest of her life?”<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">A man’s job in a relationship is to make his partner happy. Men are doers. Typically they like to have a job. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">Ladies, help him to make you happy and do so in a way that builds him and doesn’t confuse or burden him. If you need help around the house – suggest ways for him to help you. If you’d like perfume for your birthday steer him away from buying you a new vacuum cleaner. Work together to create and sustain happiness in a relationship.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Very simple questions that require very simple answers. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">The execution requires effort.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">If you have found the perfect person for you – then let that person know how perfect s/he is!<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">If you aren’t sure your person is perfect for you then think about the ways to work together to make your relationship work.<o:p></o:p></div><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings></xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> 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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/> </w:LatentStyles></xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 10]><style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style><![endif]--> <!--StartFragment--> <!--EndFragment--><br /><div class="MsoNormal">If you have recently started dating and you’ve answered “no” to any of the questions, then re-evaluate your choice and consider that perhaps this person is not perfect for you…remembering there is no perfect person.<o:p></o:p></div></div>Lesa Leidennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081918841910240909.post-12223125821956423122014-08-06T19:52:00.000-04:002014-08-06T19:52:00.644-04:00Self-Love<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-syjUzGhF55k/UuhQqZIiWnI/AAAAAAAAAM4/UfA2PalbbCM/s1600/1557499_618268311542443_505833211_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-syjUzGhF55k/UuhQqZIiWnI/AAAAAAAAAM4/UfA2PalbbCM/s1600/1557499_618268311542443_505833211_n.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /></div>Lesa Leidennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081918841910240909.post-90211824531726246492014-07-13T21:08:00.002-04:002014-07-13T21:08:16.085-04:00Mistakes that hurt relationships: What to do instead<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">by Lauren Stokes<br /><br /><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><span style="background-color: initial;">Despite our best intentions we often fall into habits in relationship that can sabotage our sense of connection, partnership, and passion. Combined with our family and relationship histories, Western society’s focus on instant gratification, unrealistic expectations (thanks, Hollywood) and valuing independence over interdependence leads us to behaviors and perspectives that limit our ability to become and stay connected.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><span style="background-color: initial;">Fortunately, there are practical remedies that can strengthen our relationships. Below you'll find tips on how to take five harmful habits and replace them with five relationship-enriching remedies.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><strong>1. Replace defensiveness with openness.</strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">We become defensive when we take things personally or perceive that feedback is intended in a negative way. Learning to relax our defenses is helpful in truly hearing feedback and avoiding criticism, wanting to win, demanding change, and listening with an agenda.<strong></strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">Being open involves receptivity to feedback, difference, and resolving miscommunication in relationship without deflecting blame back onto your partner. Openness means being able to receive and understand your partner’s feedback or needs, even if their perspective doesn’t match yours.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><strong>2. Replace criticism with compassionate concern.</strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><strong></strong>Expressing concerns or complaints through criticism is sure to send your partner into defensiveness. Avoid making broad criticisms like “you never do the dishes! You’re so lazy and inconsiderate!” Exploring your underlying needs/desires will help you communicate what the issue really is (it’s usually not the dishes).</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><span style="background-color: initial;">When you want to express your concern to someone, approach them with compassion and love. Ditch the generalizations and name-calling. Instead, be specific about </span><span style="background-color: initial;">one</span><span style="background-color: initial;"> time the behavior happened, what you felt and thought it meant, and ask for your partner’s help in coming up with a strategy that will work for both of you in the future. Often, the concern has less to do with the dishes and more to do with what we think it means about us and the relationship.</span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><strong>3. Replace wanting to win with valuing the relationship (even over being right).</strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><strong></strong>Trying to approach a relationship with an attitude of “winning” arguments or being “right” leads us into the trap of keeping score in relationship – who did what, when, and what actions matter most. When we’re constantly trying to make sure we have the most points we create discontent and resentment rather than satisfaction and support in relationship.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">Let go of needing to be right. Focus on approaching challenges as a team rather than competing against each other. The mark of an effective relationship is collaboration not competition.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><strong>4. Replace demanding your partner change with active acceptance.</strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><strong></strong>A surefire way to get our partners to dig in their heels and become defensive is to demand that they change what they are doing <em>or else. </em>Ultimatums and threats can decrease trust and connection in relationship. We can still speak up when we see need for a change, just shift how we communicate our hope for change.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">Coming from a place of acceptance sends a message of unconditional love and worth. Focusing on acceptance also helps us get in touch with what really matters. If we still feel a specific change is desirable, requests (not demands) opens space for change to happen as a collaborative and organic process. Still, our request may not be fulfilled, reminding us to focus on acceptance of the other or making a change in ourselves.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;"><strong>5. Stop listening with an agenda and start listening with curiosity.</strong></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">Often, when we claim to be listening to someone we’re not really understanding them. We typically hear one or two key words that we latch onto that are different from our perspective, and go to town formulating a response. It’s easy to get wrapped up in figuring out how to “win” or getting our partner to see our “side” without taking the time to hear out their perspective.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">We can show our curiosity by listening to understand instead of listening to respond. Listening to understand involves being engaged and curious about your partner’s perspective rather than making judgments or assumptions. Curiosity and listening to understand sends a message of caring about the other and valuing the relationship.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Open Sans'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px;">These five things aren't easy to do, but they have the power to completely transform a relationship and your relationship with yourself! Good luck!</div><div><br /></div></div>Lesa Leidennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081918841910240909.post-15798005709108218932014-07-01T19:51:00.000-04:002014-07-01T19:51:00.209-04:00Little Things<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8Ssps-mMVIg/UuhQcgs0x5I/AAAAAAAAAMw/S7P6vZTuJHo/s1600/1546394_619001941469080_391405686_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8Ssps-mMVIg/UuhQcgs0x5I/AAAAAAAAAMw/S7P6vZTuJHo/s1600/1546394_619001941469080_391405686_n.jpg" height="426" width="640" /></a></div><br /></div>Lesa Leidennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081918841910240909.post-24272803959452998442014-06-26T00:58:00.002-04:002014-06-26T00:58:18.387-04:00Feeling Trapped<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">LaShelle Charde<br /><br /><div style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">No one can deny you your choice about how you relate to life. You can, however, lose connection to your choice and thus have the experience of "feeling trapped" or "forced" (physical force notwithstanding). When you do lose connection to your choice, you begin to perceive a stressful world of demands. Symptoms that let you know you have lost this connection often look like this:</span></div><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">-complaining that you have to much to do</span></div><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">-feeling deflated or angry</span></div><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">-sudden loss of energy or low energy</span></div><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">-avoiding particular people and situations</span></div><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">-playing small in life so others don't ask too much of you</span></div><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">-not returning messages because you don't want to say no</span></div><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">-doing things you don't really want to do</span></div><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">-asking yourself when you get to live your life</span></div><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">-saying "yes" to please others, gain approval or love, or to avoid guilt and punishment</span></div><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;" /><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Particular types of beliefs and thinking can give rise to perceiving demands and losing connection to your choice. Here are some to watch for:</span></div><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;" /><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Guilt & Shame</span><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">: If guilt and shame were a part of your life growing up, you may have connected your self worth to what you do and don't do for others. In other words, a core belief might be operating in you that says something like, "I am only good if . . . " This kind of belief has you in an exhausting race to continually prove your self worth by doing whatever your mind deems virtuous. A common one here is related to achievement, "I am only good if I work x number of hours and achieve x things and my life looks like x." One way out of this trap is to clearly identify the standards you have set up for yourself. Then continually ask the questions; What are my deepest longings? What values do I want my life to reflect? What makes my heart sing? One of my teachers puts it this way: "Find what's yours to do and do it."</span></div><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;" /><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Don't be Selfish</span><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">: Some of you may have been trained by well meaning parents that reprimanded you with the phrase, "Don't be selfish." You got the message that to deny your feelings and needs is virtuous. Unfortunately this dictum only serves to disconnect you from yourself which keeps you from responsibly meeting your needs (which is likely what your parents wanted in the first place).</span></div><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">In some spiritual traditions this gets even more confusing when the teaching of letting go of self gets interpreted as the same dictum from their parents. But let's save that for another connection gem.</span></div><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;" /><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Obligation & Duty</span><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">: As a dutiful son or daughter you may consider it your duty to take care of your parents when they are old. But if you do this or anything else just because you think it's your duty, you are likely to create more hurt than love. Even in the midst of what you think is your duty you can create connection in your heart by asking yourself what needs you would like to meet. My favorite example of this is a woman who when taking care of her mother asked herself moment by moment the question, "Do I have loving hands?"</span></div><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;" /><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Somebody has to Compromise</span><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">: There is a rampant belief in our world that some people's needs have to meet at the cost of others. When you can't see a way for the other 's needs to be met along with your own, you might be tempted to just give in and go along with things that don't work for you or to make demands of others. </span></div><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;" /><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Often all that is missing here is a willingness to dialogue a few minutes and get to the needs up for each person. Once this true connection and honoring of the needs is established, creative strategies for meeting everyone's needs flows easily. Or, your heart shifts and you find something that you didn't want to do before is something you want to do in the next moment.</span></div><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;" /><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Trauma</span><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">: If you grew up in a house where punishment and shame were a part of your life, whether frequently or infrequently, a part of you may still be on alert and trying to protect you. Thus, if anything in the another's manner triggers an association to the trauma, you may react with the survival coping strategies you used at the time: raging, shutting down, pleasing, avoiding, etc. These instances are an opportunity to start to unwind that old karma. Watching your reaction arise, naming it for what it is, offering yourself empathy, and staying still with it you can bring clarity to your system and dissolve a pattern of reaction. Of course this often takes many instances of watching your reaction with mindfulness and compassion.</span></div><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;" /><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 1em; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Practice</span></div><span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: 'Droid Sans', sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">If you hear yourself saying that you feel "trapped" or have some of the symptoms described above, take some time with the categories above. Choose one that seems to most match your experience and find a specific instance. For example, you might choose to work with guilt and you choose an instance of guilt in which you went into work on your day off. Clearly identify the thinking and beliefs that were operating for you when you made that decision. Then identify the feelings and needs that were alive for you. Ask yourself how you could have met all needs from a place of choice.</span></div>Lesa Leidennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081918841910240909.post-88937370695587434312014-06-03T19:50:00.000-04:002014-06-03T19:50:00.461-04:00Key<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CxJkZEXR2dE/UuhQSFNFaLI/AAAAAAAAAMo/Gh8YvgXFpRc/s1600/1621939_620538281315446_374293333_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CxJkZEXR2dE/UuhQSFNFaLI/AAAAAAAAAMo/Gh8YvgXFpRc/s1600/1621939_620538281315446_374293333_n.jpg" height="400" width="266" /></a></div><br /></div>Lesa Leidennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081918841910240909.post-45494802094980093982014-06-02T12:46:00.002-04:002014-06-02T12:46:36.742-04:00Selfishness & Narcissism in Family Relationships<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Narcissism as a psychological definition is typically seen as self-involved attitudes and behavior where there is little or no empathy for others. Narcissistic wounding starts early in life to children whose parents are insecure, abusive, addictive or have narcissistic patterns themselves. </span><br /> <br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Narcissistic injury happens to the child when his or her emotional needs are not met. The narcissistic parent has unresolved needs for attention and caretaking because his or her needs were not met in their early life. Neglect, physical, mental and sexual abuse, being spoiled and not given structure and limits create the wounding. Narcissism can be an inflated ego sub part or the trait can take over the personality. Narcissistic attitudes and behavior come from the ego defenses that function as smoke screens to hide the deep shame and fractures that came from being hurt emotionally or physically as a child. </span><br /> <br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The child who was not allowed to have boundaries becomes energetically and developmentally arrested at this level with beliefs of not being safe in the world and being unworthy and unlovable. Thus the Shadow is born with the defenses and negative core beliefs becoming set in the child's repertoire. The child carries this primitive, self-defense core of fear even into adulthood. This is called the "Core Script" or Core Identity, which is like a big lens of perception by which the world is viewed. The defenses remain lurking in the unconscious mind ready to be called into action at any resemblance of threat. </span><br /> <br /> <center><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="color: #000066;"><b>The False Self --Narcissism or Codependency </b></span></span></center><br /><br /> <br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">We can be a little bit hurt or a lot hurt by neglect, abuse or trauma. The depth of the wound to the psyche determines the severity of the insult to the child's personality and a loss of the true self for the child. A false self develops along with a fragile self esteem of defining identity as feeling good when being given to or giving to others. The child is stuck in early primitive defenses and cannot go through the stage of normal separation from the parents that is necessary for growth. </span><br /> <br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Children of a difficult, more stubborn temperament defend against being supportive of others in the house. They observe how the selfish parents get his needs met by others. They learn how manipulation and using guilt gets the parent what he or she wants. They develop a false self and use aggression and intimidation to get their way. </span><br /> <br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The sensitive, guilt-ridden children in the family learn to meet the parent's needs for gratification and try to get love by accommodating the whims and wishes of the parent. The child's normal feelings are ignored, denied and eventually repressed in attempts to gain the parent's "love." Guilt and shame keep the child locked into this developmental arrest. Their aggressive impulses become split off and are not integrated with normal development. These children grow up learning to give too much and develop a false self of becoming co-dependent in their relationships. </span><br /> <br /> <center><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="color: #000066;"><b>Living on Fantasy Island </b></span></span></center><br /><br /> <br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">People with narcissistic thinking and behavior strive to defend their fragile self esteem through fantasy and have blind spots in their thinking. Living in a fantasy world where all their needs are met and unrealistic expectations take the place of life. They become involved in material things, vanity, and are shallow developing excessive life long interest in things that are not real such as movies, rock stars, soap operas and video games. They fear their feelings, gaining deep friendships and intimacy and cannot develop mature love relationships. </span><br /> <br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Fantasy can become an attempt to not see what is really there in order to build up a fragile self-esteem. People with narcissistic traits process information, emotions and unresolved pain to make up for what they did not have in childhood. They often place unrealistic demands on others to make them feel better. They cannot tolerate negative emotional distress and turn it on others and blame them instead of looking within to see their own part of the problem. This is the defense of projection -- what the person does not like in him or her self, they get angry at others who may have some of that same trait. Projecting one's anger onto others instead of using it to learn and grow is always limiting. </span><br /> <br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Self image is distorted with the narcissistic point of view and the person believes that he is superior to others. An inflated self-esteem is a defense to cover up their sense of shame deep within. Grandiosity is an insidious error in thinking that prevents them from blaming themselves and becoming depressed or disintegrated. Creeping narcissism in a person is their succumbing to the gradual demands of selfishness and entitlement by giving in to "I am special" beliefs. </span><br /> <br /> <center><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="color: #000066;"><b>Narcissistic Defenses --the Need to Feel Good at all Costs </b></span></span></center><br /><br /> <br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Selfish people usually insist on having things their own way at the expense of others. The need to impose getting one's way over others is an unreal attitude and expectation that sets other people off against them. When the person with narcissistic tendencies doesn't get what he or she wanted, he feels devalued. Since they cannot tolerate the feelings of fear, hurt, anxiety, helplessness and despair, they defend against them. They deny and rationalize their own contribution to the problems to preserve their own internal fantasy of being all good and right. </span><br /> <br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">People with narcissistic tendencies have errors in thinking which prevents them from seeing things how they are from both sides of the picture. Not wanting to feel bad inside, they build defenses such as denial, repression and a strong need to be right. When the person has severe traits, they can feel an increase in self-esteem when they get what they want and feel no remorse or justify their using others. John Masterson called this rigid type of thinking a "Swiss Cheese Brain" with holes in the brain and mind where good common sense and conscience should be. </span><br /> <br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Some even get a sense of feeling superior when they get their way or make others feel bad. This is the dynamic underlying bullying. (See my video, It's not Okay to Feel Good by Making Others Feel Bad at http://www.angriesout.com/ to understand this dynamic.) When hurting others becomes a hook into feelings self-satisfaction, the narcissism takes an ugly turn. There is a cost to this false sense of self-esteem. People who abuse and bully others end up being lonely because others do not want to be around them. </span><br /> <br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">People with narcissistic behavior cannot handle criticism in any way and feel that they are being made wrong. . They are supersensitive to criticism and either attack the other person or they leave the scene. This blaming the person who gives criticism helps the person with narcissistic defenses avoid feeling guilt, shame and depression but it also keeps them from taking responsibility for learning from their mistakes and ultimately from growing up. </span><br /> <br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">They can pout and give the silent treatment or hold grudges. This combination of these defenses that distort reality often set them up for failure in partnerships. </span><br /> <br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">When the narcissistic traits are too severe and causes havoc in the lives of others, there is a disorder. Narcissistic Personality Disorder happens when a person's outlook is so distorted to the extent that they do not see reality as it is and cannot see the needs of other people. These people are the takers of the world leaving pain and destruction in their wake. If their behavior is left unchecked, they become con artists, manipulators, sociopaths and dictators. </span><br /> <br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Without empathy for others, people with narcissistic personality disorders can irrationally justify and rationalize their hurtful and unlawful behaviors and may become sexual predators. Family members who have sex with children always have some element of narcissism seeing others as objects that are available for their own sexual satisfaction. High intelligence coupled with a lack of empathy and remorse for hurting others is a dangerous combination for family members. With extreme narcissistic behaviors, the diagnosis may be a sociopath personality disorder. </span><br /> <br /> <center><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="color: #000066;"><b>The Narcissistic Person in Relationship </b></span></span></center><br /><br /> <br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">The two greatest fears we humans have in relationships are fears of engulfment (smothering, being controlled by someone else) and fears of rejection and abandonment. And to spice up the human drama, our greatest longings are the needs for connection and the opposite need for space and individuality. This is the great Cosmic joke! What a set up for problems! And so the couple dance is set playing out these great, universal themes. People with narcissistic traits have more of this quality than other people. They play both these fears out in the relationships with their significant others, yearning for closeness and fearing it the same time. </span><br /> <br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">When the narcissistic person grows up, they harbor the irrational belief that the person they choose for a partner will give them perfect love and make up for all the hurts and slights of their life. People with severe narcissistic traits long for an ideal love to soothe their fragile sense of self. This yearning for getting unconditional love is an unresolved need left over from childhood. Most adults realize unconditional love would be nice, but understand that it rarely happens as people we love usually hold us accountable for our actions in some way. As we should be --no one should be allowed to impose their neediness and bad behavior on others. </span><br /> <br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">In the narcissistic mind, there is a gap between the idealized love and the actual day-to-day dealings with their partner. They long for symbiosis with the idealized love to stabilize the self, but they fear being traumatized by the partner. They seek refuge in being seen as the good guy and try to gain approval and recognition. When this does not come forth readily, they feel wounded, hurt and attacked. Family members learn to back off from confronting them about their behavior and not "hurt their feelings." Without someone to put the brakes on their unhealthy and abusive behavior, they can become tyrants. </span><br /> <br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Constantly seeking attention and approval puts them in the precarious position of always needing something from somebody else. As they believe that they are right and others are wrong, they rarely admit to faults in themselves. They can verbally abuse and punish their spouses and children without seeing the pain that they cause as they believe that the person deserves they abuse they dish out. They may try to enlist a child to side with them and turn against the other parent. </span><br /> <br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">People with narcissistic behavior have a sense of entitlement that allows them to break the rules of society. They believe that the laws do not apply to them and they do not feel remorse when they get caught. However they are upset over any inconveniences they suffer as a result of being busted. They believe they have the right to do what ever it takes to get short term gratification without suffering any consequences. </span><br /> <br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Lying and distortions of reality are considered fair game to shut the other person down. They feel free to cheat on their income tax, take what is not theirs or cheat on their partners. Criticism of their behavior or trying to get them to see what they are doing only causes them to entrench further into defensiveness. When found out in a wrong doing, they get evasive, lie or get angry. They have little or no remorse for the pain they caused the other person, only anger that they did not get away with their behavior. </span><br /> <br /> By Lynne Namka<center><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="color: #000066;"><b>Intimacy Skill Defects </b></span></span></center><br /><br /> <br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Narcissists have a lack of insight about understanding and processing of feelings. Instead, they deny their uncomfortable feelings and run from them with the exception of anger. The huge core of shame inside must be protected by avoiding the vulnerable feelings. They avoid taking risks to love and never learn to develop true intimacy. They would rather threaten their relationship than face humiliation, embarrassment or injury to their self-esteem. They are slow to learn the all important skills of commitment such as sympathy, understanding the intentions and motives of their partner, compassion and empathy. They may even choose someone to love who is even more narcissistic and selfish than themselves thus mirroring their own problems. </span><br /> <br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">True intimacy and a lasting partnership require the skills of dealing with conflict. After the euphoria of a new relationship wears off, each partner's values and belief systems begin to rub against each other. At this point negotiating conflict is necessary for the relationship to continue effectively. Narcissistic people often discount the issues in the relationship and pull away from their partner. The narcissistic defenses of becoming angry, shutting down, minimizing and distancing keep them feeling safe in the moment. </span><br /> <br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Intimacy is always affected. When problems are never resolved, the partner becomes highly threatened and angry themselves thus weakening the relationship. Typically children and partners who suffer verbal, physical or sexual abuse become so overwhelmed and threatened that they do not want to continue in relationship. </span></div>Lesa Leidennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081918841910240909.post-22924958303342761632014-05-07T19:49:00.000-04:002014-05-07T19:49:00.258-04:00Happy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EUwxVDXSWO8/UuhQJNWFXOI/AAAAAAAAAMg/PA1qaaBnF0Q/s1600/148629_578466555571650_1069328614_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EUwxVDXSWO8/UuhQJNWFXOI/AAAAAAAAAMg/PA1qaaBnF0Q/s1600/148629_578466555571650_1069328614_n.jpg" height="320" width="213" /></a></div><br /></div>Lesa Leidennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081918841910240909.post-23559845129650798312014-05-06T22:59:00.000-04:002014-05-06T22:59:59.928-04:006 Things to Say to Someone with Depression or Who’s Depressed<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div align="center" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><h1 id="post-54666" style="color: #0863a5; font-family: 'Open Sans Condensed', sans-serif; font-size: 2.15em; line-height: 1.1em; margin: 0.25em 0px 0.2em;"><br /></h1><span class="author" style="color: #446677; font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px;">By <span class="authorb" style="text-transform: uppercase !important;"><a href="http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/author/grohol/" rel="author" style="color: #006688; text-decoration: none;">JOHN M. GROHOL, PSY.D.</a></span> </span></div><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;" /><div class="entry" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; padding: 0px 10px 0px 0px;"><a href="http://g.psychcentral.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/things-say-someone-with-depression.jpg" style="color: #006688;"><img alt="6 Things to Say to Someone with Depression or Who's Depressed" class="" height="264" src="http://g.psychcentral.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/things-say-someone-with-depression.jpg" style="border: 0px;" width="460" /></a><br />Lots of people experience <a href="http://psychcentral.com/disorders/depression/" style="color: #006688;" title="depression">depression</a>, while others just have bad days or just are feeling down on themselves. No matter why they’re depressed, sad, or unmotivated to do much of anything, one thing is certain — it’s a tough feeling to experience. Depression is isolating — like you’re all alone in it, and that it will never end.<br />As a friend or partner of someone who’s experiencing that depression or feeling blue, what can you do to help? After all, there’s a lot of advice telling you <a href="http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/10/19/10-things-not-to-say-to-a-depressed-person/" style="color: #006688;">what <em>not</em> to say to a depressed person</a> and things that <a href="http://psychcentral.com/lib/worst-things-to-say-to-someone-whos-depressed/0004972" style="color: #006688;">most people don’t want to hear when they’re feeling down</a>.<br /><div style="margin: 0px;"><div id="mobile_ad_top"></div></div>We crowd-sourced the following list by querying our Facebook friends about what they’d like to hear when they’re feeling down, blue, or depressed. Here are a few of their very, very good suggestions.<br /><span id="more-54666"></span><br /><h3 style="color: #4a544c; font-family: 'Open Sans Condensed', sans-serif; font-size: 1.4em; margin: 0.25em 0px 0.5em;">1. You’re right, this sucks.</h3>The generalization is that men are problem solvers, and women are listeners. People who are depressed don’t want problem solvers — they’ve usually run through all the scenarios and solutions in their head already. They just can’t do it.<br />What they’re looking for instead is simple acknowledgement and empathy.<br /><h3 style="color: #4a544c; font-family: 'Open Sans Condensed', sans-serif; font-size: 1.4em; margin: 0.25em 0px 0.5em;">2. You don’t walk this path alone. I’m here if you need me.</h3>When a person is depressed, one of the feelings many people experience is an overwhelming sense of loneliness — that no one can understand what they’re going through. They are all alone.<br />A reminder from a friend or loved one that, indeed, they’re not alone and they are loved can be invaluable. It also reminds them of the reality — that people in their life <em>do</em> love them and are there for them if they need them.<br /><h3 style="color: #4a544c; font-family: 'Open Sans Condensed', sans-serif; font-size: 1.4em; margin: 0.25em 0px 0.5em;">3. I believe in you… You’re awesome!</h3>Sometimes a person has given up hope that they’ll amount to anything in life. They’ve lost all belief in themselves, and feel like nothing they do is right or good enough. Their <a href="http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/how-to-raise-your-self-esteem/" style="color: #006688;" title="self-esteem">self-esteem</a> is, in a word, shot.<br />That’s why it can be helpful to reaffirm that you believe in them. You believe in their ability to once again experience hope, to be the person you once were — or even more. That they are still an awesome person, if even if they’re not feeling that way at the moment.<br /><a href="http://g.psychcentral.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/when-someone-depressed.jpg" style="color: #006688;"><img alt="Two guys talking about being depressed" class="" height="245" src="http://g.psychcentral.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/when-someone-depressed.jpg" style="border: 0px;" width="460" /></a><br /><h3 style="color: #4a544c; font-family: 'Open Sans Condensed', sans-serif; font-size: 1.4em; margin: 0.25em 0px 0.5em;">4. How can I help? What can I do for you?</h3>One part of the way many people experience depression is that they have little motivation to do things that need to get done. Offer your support and direct assistance in getting something done for them. It might be picking up a prescription, a few groceries from the store, or simply getting the mail. Offer this help only if you’re willing to do what is asked of you.<br /><h3 style="color: #4a544c; font-family: 'Open Sans Condensed', sans-serif; font-size: 1.4em; margin: 0.25em 0px 0.5em;">5. I’m here if you want to talk (walk, go shopping, get a bit to eat, etc.).</h3>This is more of a direct suggestion, choosing something that you know the friend or loved one is going to be interested in doing. Maybe they just want to talk (and need you to simply listen). Maybe they need a nudge to get up, get changed, and go out and just <em>do</em>something — anything. You can be that person to help them get moving.<br /><h3 style="color: #4a544c; font-family: 'Open Sans Condensed', sans-serif; font-size: 1.4em; margin: 0.25em 0px 0.5em;">6. I know it’s hard to see this right now, but it’s only temporary… Things will change. You won’t feel this way forever. Look to that day.</h3>When a person’s depressed, sometimes they lose all perspective. Depression can feel like an endless black hole in which there’s no way to climb out of. Saying something along these lines reminds them that all of our emotions and moods are <em>not</em> permanent, even if they feel like they are.</div></div>Lesa Leidennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081918841910240909.post-34867802213097189902014-04-20T22:50:00.002-04:002014-04-20T22:50:44.094-04:00Feel Good<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14.399999618530273px; line-height: 20px;"><div class="page-title" style="font-size: 14px; padding-left: 0px; padding-top: 10px; width: 640px;"><h1 style="color: #333333; font-size: 22px; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">How to feel good - or at least stop feeling bad</h1></div><div class="article-abstract" style="color: #666666; font-size: 13px;">Stop unwanted habits by learning to accept them.</div><div class="article-meta" style="background-position: 50% 100%; background-repeat: repeat no-repeat; font-size: 14px; padding-bottom: 10px;"><span class="submitted" style="color: #666666; font-size: 11px;">Published on March 23, 2011 by <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/leslie-becker-phelps-phd" style="color: #666666; text-decoration: none;" title="View Bio">Leslie Becker-Phelps, Ph.D.</a> in <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/making-change" style="color: #666666; text-decoration: none;">Making Change</a></span></div><div id="social-media" style="bottom: 0px; font-size: 14px; height: 460px; left: -80px; padding: 13px 0px 0px; position: absolute; top: 200px; width: 80px; z-index: 999;"><div id="social_media_inner" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(153, 153, 153); border-bottom-left-radius: 5px; border-bottom-style: solid; border-left-color: rgb(153, 153, 153); border-left-style: solid; border-top-color: rgb(153, 153, 153); border-top-left-radius: 5px; border-top-style: solid; border-width: 1px 0px 1px 1px; float: left; height: 460px; margin: 0px; padding: 10px 0px 0px; 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height: 20px !important; margin: 0px !important; padding: 0px !important;"><span id="li_ui_li_gen_1398048364205_0-logo" style="background-image: url(http://s.c.lnkd.licdn.com/scds/common/u/images/apps/connect/sprites/sprite_connect_v14.png) !important; background-position: 0px -276px !important; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat !important; border-bottom-left-radius: 0px !important; border-bottom-right-radius: 2px !important; border-top-left-radius: 0px !important; border-top-right-radius: 2px !important; border: 0px !important; cursor: pointer !important; display: block !important; float: right !important; height: 20px !important; left: 0px !important; margin: 0px !important; overflow: hidden !important; padding: 0px !important; position: absolute !important; text-indent: -9999em !important; top: 0px !important; width: 20px !important;">in</span><span id="li_ui_li_gen_1398048364205_0-title" style="background-color: rgb(236, 236, 236) !important; background-image: -webkit-linear-gradient(top, rgb(254, 254, 254) 0%, rgb(236, 236, 236) 100%) !important; 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background-color: transparent !important; background-image: none !important; display: inline-block !important; float: none !important; font-family: Arial, sans-serif !important; font-size: 11px !important; font-weight: bold !important; height: 18px !important; vertical-align: top !important;">Share</span></span></a></span></span></span></div><div id="pt-email" style="clear: none; float: none; height: 62px; margin: 0px auto 20px; min-height: 60px; position: relative; text-align: center; width: 57px;"><a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/printmail/57412" style="color: #236fb5; text-decoration: none;"><img alt="email" src="http://www.psychologytoday.com/sites/all/themes/pt_www/images/email.png" style="border: 0px; float: left; margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-top: 0px; position: relative;" /></a></div></div></div><div class="content" style="font-size: 14px;"><div class="article-content-top" style="clear: both; margin-top: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br /><div class="article-image-wrap article-image-wrap-article-inline-half" style="float: left; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-right: 10px; width: 230px;"><img alt="" src="http://images.sussexpublishers.netdna-cdn.com/article-inline-half/blogs/31179/2011/03/57412-49557.jpg" style="border: 0px; float: left; margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" title="" /></div>If only we could wish away bad habits and unwanted traits. We would all be like the population of Garrison Keillor's Lake Wobegon - "where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average." Instead, we are stuck with our imperfect selves. While we enjoy shining moments of accomplishment and virtue, we also struggle with the less stellar aspects of ourselves; such as unhealthy eating, low self-esteem, depression, or untold anxieties.<br />Part of being human is the experience of always being a work in progress - never that final, perfect person. This can make life an exciting adventure; as long as you continue to move in the direction of growth.</div></div><span style="font-size: 14px;">Two important steps in encouraging growth are really being 'in' your life experiences - not always thinking about other things - and accepting those experiences. When you acknowledge, experience, and fully accept your feelings, you are essentially accepting all aspects of yourself and gaining a sense of being 'at home' in you. Even when you don't like your emotions or are unhappy, they can still feel right. A perfect example of this is when you grieve the loss of someone important in your life; you don't like the experience, but you have a sense that it is a genuine expression of your feelings, and so it feels right.</span>You might be thinking; <em>This all sound great, but how can I find such inner peace?</em> There is one very good way to do this that I am hesitant to mention because so many people misunderstand it... meditation. Although increasingly more people are learning the benefits of it for themselves, there are also many others who immediately 'know' it is not for them. They might be right, but they dismiss it before they really even understand it.</div><div style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14.399999618530273px; line-height: 20px;">People often think of meditation as achieving a state of bliss, or at least a deep calm. Although it's true that meditation can be relaxing, that's not its main purpose. It is a practice of being aware of, and directing, your attention to your moment-by-moment experience. And it does this by teaching people to see when they become distracted or carried away with thoughts or feelings; and to return their attention to the moment (often focusing on their breath).</div><div style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14.399999618530273px; line-height: 20px;">This process can be applied to people's lives outside of meditation, helping them to change things about themselves. So, for example, the emotional overeater can note her urges to eat; learn to tolerate them - along with any accompanying unpleasant emotions - without reaching for food; and return her attention the tasks at hand in her daily routine. Importantly, she is neither denying her urges, which might send them underground to sabotage her later; nor chastising herself for having them, which would undermine her motivation to treat herself well and make healthier food choices.</div><div style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14.399999618530273px; line-height: 20px;">Stated succinctly, meditation helps people change by teaching them to be inside their experience and simultaneously outside, watching it with perspective. By being in the moment without feeling overcome by emotion, people can become adept at seeing themselves repeat patterns. Then, while acknowledging and experiencing an old pattern, they can choose to respond differently. It's in this way that meditation frees people to make the personal changes they so desire.</div><div style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14.399999618530273px; line-height: 20px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14.399999618530273px; line-height: 20px;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14.399999618530273px; line-height: 20px;"><a class="ext" href="http://www.drbecker-phelps.com/" style="color: #333333;" target="_blank">Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps</a><span class="ext" style="background-image: url(http://rsrc2.psychologytoday.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/extlink/extlink.png); background-position: 100% 50%; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; padding-right: 12px;"></span> is a clinical psychologist in private practice and is on the medical staff at <a class="ext" href="http://www.somersetmedicalcenter.com/body.cfm?xyzpdqabc=0&id=1176&action=list" style="color: #333333;" target="_blank">Somerset Medical Center</a><span class="ext" style="background-image: url(http://rsrc2.psychologytoday.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/extlink/extlink.png); background-position: 100% 50%; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; padding-right: 12px;"></span> in Somerville, NJ. She also writes a blog for WebMD (<a class="ext" href="http://blogs.webmd.com/art-of-relationships/" style="color: #333333;" target="_blank">The Art of Relationships</a><span class="ext" style="background-image: url(http://rsrc2.psychologytoday.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/extlink/extlink.png); background-position: 100% 50%; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; padding-right: 12px;"></span>) and is the 'Relationship' expert on <a class="ext" href="http://exchanges.webmd.com/relationships-and-coping-community" style="color: #333333;" target="_blank">WebMD's Relationships and Coping Community</a><span class="ext" style="background-image: url(http://rsrc2.psychologytoday.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/extlink/extlink.png); background-position: 100% 50%; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; padding-right: 12px;"></span>.</div></div>Lesa Leidennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081918841910240909.post-67356551385359360722014-04-02T19:48:00.000-04:002014-04-02T19:48:00.824-04:00Worthiness<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jT1j57nAVpM/UuhP7EblsUI/AAAAAAAAAMY/5KGty-suoUI/s1600/1003012_576962905722015_398862133_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jT1j57nAVpM/UuhP7EblsUI/AAAAAAAAAMY/5KGty-suoUI/s1600/1003012_576962905722015_398862133_n.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div><br /></div>Lesa Leidennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081918841910240909.post-80197560807886027512014-03-24T13:35:00.003-04:002014-04-20T22:51:31.712-04:006 Tips to Get Motivated When You're Feeling Depressed<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="byline" style="background-color: white; color: #999999; float: left; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 21.420000076293945px; margin: 0px 0px 20px; text-transform: uppercase;">BY <a href="http://www.mindbodygreen.com/wc/megan-bruneau" style="color: #999999; text-decoration: none;">MEGAN BRUNEAU</a><img src="http://res.mindbodygreen.com/img/crp/SadWomanHuggingKneesInForest-850x400.jpg" style="border: 0px; color: #333333; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', sans-serif; font-size: 14px; height: auto; line-height: 20px; max-width: 100%; vertical-align: middle; width: 810px;" /></div><div class="body" style="background-color: white; clear: both; color: #333333; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 14px; line-height: 25px;"><div style="margin-bottom: 25px;">A common response to identifying lifestyle changes that might make a depressed person feel better is, “Easier said than done.” Someone coping with depression may get what she's supposed to do, but the question is how? After all, depression kills motivation, energy, interest, and focus.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 25px;">Once you give the engine a jump, it often becomes easier, but until then, how do you connect the jumper cables you need to make a spark?</div><div style="margin-bottom: 25px;"><strong>1. Set the bar LOW.</strong></div><div style="margin-bottom: 25px;">When <a href="http://www.mindbodygreen.com/tag/depression.html" style="color: #82aed7; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">you’re depressed</a>, you’re not functioning at your usual 70-90%. Rather, you’re sitting somewhere closer to 20%. If you set the same expectations for yourself that you had when you weren’t feeling depressed (which is sometimes just getting dressed), you’re going to feel anxious and overwhelmed, and probably won’t do the task you expected from yourself (and thus will feel defeated and ashamed).</div><div style="margin-bottom: 25px;">Set SMALL AND SPECIFIC GOALS. Seriously. Unload the dishwasher. Heck, unload three glasses. Task completed and still itching for more? You can always raise the bar if you’re feeling particularly motivated. Take note that if you feel highly overwhelmed while tackling your goal, chances are it's too high and you need to lower it to something more realistic or specific.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 25px;"><strong>2. Practice self-compassion.</strong></div><div style="margin-bottom: 25px;">Self-criticism is depression’s BFF. If you beat yourself up for being so “unproductive” and “lazy,” You’re going to keep yourself feeling like crap and thus, paralyzed. Try instead to use the same encouraging words you might use for a friend or loved one. If you can’t find the words, read more about self-compassion <a href="http://oneshrinksperspective.com/" style="color: #82aed7; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">here</a>.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 25px;"><strong>3. Recruit support, or ask for help.</strong></div><div style="margin-bottom: 25px;">Some of us have trouble holding ourselves accountable at the best of times. With little motivation or energy, it’s that much harder. Confide in someone you trust, and ask for their help. Ask a friend to hold you to your commitment. Ask your partner to accompany to a yoga class. Pay for your support group, counseling appointment, or massage beforehand so you’ll be more motivated to attend.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 25px;"><strong>4. Envision how you'll feel after the task.</strong></div><div style="margin-bottom: 25px;">Getting in the shower, going for a walk, preparing a meal, or hanging out with a friend seems like a very ominous task if you focus on the effort involved. People who are depressed generally have low <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-efficacy" style="color: #82aed7; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">self-efficacy</a>, which means they have low confidence in their ability to perform tasks. As such, they tend to feel overwhelmed and avoid such tasks. Lower expectations for yourself within the task, and envision how you (might) feel after the task rather than during.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 25px;"><strong>5. Make the goal to do it, not to enjoy it.</strong></div><div style="margin-bottom: 25px;">When you’re feeling depressed, it’s natural to lose interest in things that used to <a href="http://www.mindbodygreen.com/tag/happiness.html" style="color: #82aed7; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">make you happy</a>. Comedy is no longer funny, sports are no longer fun, spending time with friends is no longer engaging. Anxiety, depression, and self-loathing take over, leading to feelings of detachment and defeat. So, when doing something “fun” or “active,” do it with the goal to do it, not to enjoy it.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 25px;"><strong>6. Acknowledge your courage for stepping out of your comfort zone.</strong></div><div style="margin-bottom: 25px;">As painful as it is, depression can be come comfortable in a “devil you know” kind of way. You know what to expect, for the most part. You know the pain, you’re in the pain, you can predict that tomorrow will be more of the same. The idea of stepping out of this comfort zone can be quite anxiety provoking. <a href="http://www.stevenchayes.com/" style="color: #82aed7; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Steven Hayes</a>, a psychologist whose work I admire said, “If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’re always going to get what you’ve always gotten.” So, if you find you’re able to do something (even very slightly) different, congratulate yourself. There’s a good chance whatever you’re experiencing will come with anxiety, because anxiety accompanies uncertainty. Anxiety may be telling you you’re stepping out of the familiar routine of depression, so acknowledge your courage and try to bring such experiences forward in your journey.</div></div></div>Lesa Leidennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081918841910240909.post-85842619767618065172014-03-04T16:58:00.000-05:002014-03-04T16:58:02.822-05:00The Tragic Cycle of "Overwhelm & Withdraw"<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px;"><b><em>The Tragic Cycle of Overwhelm & Withdraw</em></b></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px;"><b><em>adapted from LaShelle Charde</em></b></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px;"><b><em><br /></em></b></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px;"></div><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px;">If you often feel overwhelmed and have a tendency to withdraw when stressed, then you may be wearing the "overwhelmed/withdrawn" face and inadvertently contribute to a reactive cycle. </div><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px;" /><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px;">A gentle, engaging, and welcoming response from others is the best medicine for someone who has the reactive habit of feeling overwhelmed and withdrawing. Unfortunately, the "overwhelmed/withdrawn" facial expression is one of the least likely ways to get this response. <br /><br />The "O & E" face may reveal blank and frozen eyes, a lack of facial expression and a stiff body posture. </div><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px;" /><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px;">When you wear the expression of overwhelmed/withdrawn, others often think one or more of the following: </div><ul dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px;"><li style="margin-left: 15px;">You don't want connection and would rather be left alone.</li><li style="margin-left: 15px;">It will be a lot of work to connect with you.</li><li style="margin-left: 15px;">You will be boring.</li><li style="margin-left: 15px;">You think you are better than everyone else.</li></ul><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px;">Acting on these thoughts others are more likely to forget you, ignore you, or avoid you. This experience then reinforces the idea that you don't belong in the world, the world isn't a safe place to be you, and it is better to withdraw. Here begins the cyclic faulty thought reactive pattern.</div><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px;" /><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px;">You can intervene with this cycle in at least three ways:</div><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px;"><br /></div><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px;">First, practice noticing how you are holding your face and body. Invite yourself to soften, relax, and open your posture and energy. </div><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px;" /><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px;">Second, anticipate events in which you are most likely to move into the overwhelm/withdraw reaction. As you enter the event, practice engaging with others despite the impulse to withdraw. Engagement can be as simple as making eye contact, smiling, walking towards others, saying "hello," and sitting without legs or arms crossed.</div><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px;" /><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px;">Third, out yourself whenever you can. Let others know that you feel a bit overwhelmed and even though you might look like you aren't wanting to connect, you really welcome connection and are glad to be with the group. This last bit of expressing what's really going on for you, is the fastest way to create a bridge between you and those around you.</div><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px;" /><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px;"><em><u>Practice</u></em></div><div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: verdana; font-size: 13px;">If overwhelm and withdraw is a common pattern for you choose one of the three interventions listed above to practice with this week. If this pattern describes someone you know, find one time this week to offer a gentle, engaging, and welcoming phrase or gesture.</div><div><br /></div></div>Lesa Leidennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081918841910240909.post-72779314097223400892014-02-12T19:47:00.000-05:002014-02-12T19:47:00.103-05:00Love<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-E0mkK_J6DWY/UuhPozBbabI/AAAAAAAAAMI/2zTqFjStN0o/s1600/1654199_577496159002023_1301218334_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-E0mkK_J6DWY/UuhPozBbabI/AAAAAAAAAMI/2zTqFjStN0o/s1600/1654199_577496159002023_1301218334_n.jpg" height="256" width="320" /></a></div><br /></div>Lesa Leidennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081918841910240909.post-810776219992330842014-01-28T22:23:00.000-05:002014-01-28T22:23:03.821-05:00Good<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Y-D_s-hy05c/UuhPfarNZtI/AAAAAAAAAMA/ttsuSdTuCRY/s1600/10198_577505922334380_1278516908_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Y-D_s-hy05c/UuhPfarNZtI/AAAAAAAAAMA/ttsuSdTuCRY/s1600/10198_577505922334380_1278516908_n.jpg" height="320" width="256" /></a></div><br /></div>Lesa Leidennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081918841910240909.post-12895683677199315812014-01-28T22:22:00.000-05:002014-01-30T00:22:15.435-05:00Fix the Leak<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="MsoNormal">Drip…drip…drip - sounds of a slow leak under the kitchen sink. The leak goes unnoticed. Water pools. Before you know it that little leak morphs into a major problem.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Similarly sex, or the lack thereof, can become a key obstacle in a happy relationship. Frequency becomes less and less…then one day the couple realizes it’s been two years. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">I know that first-time clients can view ‘the couch’ as a daunting, foreign, uncomfortable place. There they are sitting across from me looking for a compassionate ear, but uncertain about topic focus. However, I’ve found that if a couples’ chief complaint involves sporadic sex then I’ll hear about it during the first session.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #373737; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Over a period of time, problems in a couples’ sexual patterns can erode their sense of connection…it can also breed anger and resentment.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #373737; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Why do couples stop having sex, and how can they prevent it? I don’t know - I believe the reasons are individual to the couple. However, I can pinpoint a few triggers that I’ve found to be at the foundation of many client cases. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">1. Anger and resentment<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">Which came first? The anger or the apathy? The resentment or the unresponsiveness? Most couples don’t know. Often the anger issues are long-standing and viewed as unresolvable. The couple is distant on many levels. The solution to this is communication. Talk to your partner. Share your concerns calmly and non-defensively to eliminate resentments and resolve the issues. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Exhaustion <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">Never underestimate how fatigue can impact your sex life. And ladies – I’m not just addressing your concerns with childcare, working, going to school and housekeeping…. men get tired too! Many men feel exhausted but don’t feel comfortable expressing vulnerability by telling their partner how tired they are.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">3. Boredom, depression, or mediocre sex<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">Another reason sex has halted might seem very obvious – the sex isn’t very good. Aside from erectile difficulties or struggles with orgasms, perhaps the sex is boring and routine. Maybe the couples’ sex patterns have doused the spontaneity and excitement. Boredom doesn’t necessarily relate to just the bedroom – one partner may be bored with career, relationship or social life and those feelings of ennui have carried over to the bedroom. In terms of depression, the depressed partner rarely declares, “I’m depressed and I need help.” A depressed person seldom feels sexual. A way to work on improving the quality of sex is to focus on touching and pleasing one another. One exercise, called sensate focus, allows couples to take turns touching one another. The recipient gives feedback about what feels good. The goal of the exercise is to learn where and how to touch your partner so that the most pleasure is experienced. I know I emphasize it a great deal, but verbal communication is crucial for improving the quality of sex. Recapping the day and filling your partner in on all the cute things the kids did is great – just make sure there is time to talk about what you do and don’t like sexually.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">4. Issues with initiating sex <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">Initiation is a delicate balance; when one person approaches the other there is potential for rejection. Repeated rejection can lead to resentment and avoidance.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">At times, it may seem like one person is doing all the initiating. If both partners wait obviously there will be no sex. When addressing the topic of rejection be as gentle as possible and include a rain check suggestion, “I’d love to sweetie but my stomach is killing me – can we make love tomorrow instead?” Couples who have a healthy sex life typically say yes to sex…or negotiate different sexual activities or alternate days/times.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">5. Foreplay starts before you hit the bedroom<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">John Gottman, one of my favorite relationship gurus, has found that men who do more housework typically get more sex. Foreplay starts first thing in the morning and never stops…kindness, concern, affection, respect, affirmation, consideration…all forms for foreplay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Similarly, physical touch and affection can ignite a quick passionate kiss that can be continued later that evening. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">6. Appearance or personal hygiene<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">You’ve been together a few years and maybe she only shaves her legs on the weekend. His trousers are a little snug and he’s taken to wearing sweatpants around the house. Maybe he’s stopped gargling with Scope before kissing or showering before being close. She’s put on weight and fails to maintain her fitness.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal">These can be difficult issues to discuss with a partner. There is potential for hurt feelings; but if approached with tact and sensitivity you can work together to become attractive to your partner. Some issues are more easily solved than others – it’s easy to brush your teeth or change your granny nightgown, but as anyone over 40 may know – weight loss is more difficult (but achievable).<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #373737; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">7. Excessive masturbation to pornography<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: #373737; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Primarily an issue for men. Some men turn to Internet pornography and masturbation when they have inconsistent sex in their relationship. There’s nothing wrong with masturbation – but some issues can develop. Libido for his partner may drop; He may not have the ability to have intercourse with his partner if he masturbated that afternoon; He may compare his partner to the young, slender women on the computer and she may not measure up; His partner may not be as open to the sexual activities presented in porn such as anal sex, threesomes or sex in public. A man whose sexual norm is based on pornography can get out of sync with his actual partner. One solution to this problem is to cease masturbation and Internet porn for 30 days. This will allow his libido for his partner to reset. During those 30 days focus on the other problems with sex and address them. Schedule a sexual frequency that is comfortable for both partners and resume masturbation on your non-partner sex days.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;"><span style="color: #373737; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A relationship without sex isn’t necessarily wrong, but it can be more vulnerable to relationship problems than one with regular sex. As for how much sex a healthy couple should be having – that varies. It should be up to the couple to figure that out. It’s normal to reduce frequency the longer you’ve been together. Problems in a relationship like lack of trust, financial issues, parenting, misunderstandings, or anxiety can impact sexual patterns. It becomes cyclic…one can exacerbate the other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Strive for intimacy to connect you together. 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self-care.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">How often does your focus shift from self-care to self-aloofness?<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Too often I see women who should ease up on the pressure to be perfect, the pressure to take care of everyone and everything and forget about the importance of self-nurturing and self-love.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Self-nurturing means more than getting your nails done or ordering a pizza on a Friday night – it’s a path back to your heart.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">* Self-care is not optional.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"> Running yourself ragged for too long cannot only lead to overeating and symptoms of depression, but it can affect your adrenals creating a problematic health path you don’t want to walk.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b>*</b>Stay away from drama.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"> <i>You get what you put out. If you act in a way that is positive and {with} minimal drama, you attract the same kind of positive situations and people. ~April Myers<o:p></o:p></i></div><div class="MsoNormal">If someone repeatedly comes to you with catastrophes, give yourself a window of time for listening and then take care of your own needs by walking away. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b> </b>*Self-care can take minutes<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"> It’s a myth that you need to spend an entire day pampering yourself. If you have that mindset then you are likely to think that you never have time for self-nurturing. Just three minutes before bed to breathe deeply and sit quietly will reap wonderful benefits.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">*Self-care is affordable<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"> An expensive vacation or day spa package is not necessary. A walk through the park, an Epsom salt bath, or 10 minutes of stretching can go a long way to refresh your body and mind.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">*You have the right to practice self-care <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"> Taking care of everyone and everything else is not a prequesite to taking care of yourself. Self-care gives you the energy and nourishment needed to accomplish greatness.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">*Self-care does not mean choosing between yourself and others.<o:p></o:p><br /><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">When you are not taking care of yourself you can end up in a cycle of deprivation leading to frustration and fatigue. Put your oxygen mask on first before helping those next to you!<o:p></o:p><br /><br />L</div></div>Lesa Leidennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081918841910240909.post-78150107074524186002014-01-28T19:46:00.001-05:002014-01-28T19:46:35.435-05:00Life<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XBoeiOYq3VI/UuhPWbH2QdI/AAAAAAAAAL4/FKwUSBVSvFA/s1600/1538661_577974445620861_1313686618_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XBoeiOYq3VI/UuhPWbH2QdI/AAAAAAAAAL4/FKwUSBVSvFA/s1600/1538661_577974445620861_1313686618_n.jpg" height="320" width="223" /></a></div><br /></div>Lesa Leidennoreply@blogger.com