It’s a clear Sunday afternoon.
You’re on a fun outing driving along with your partner on the perfect day out
together. The sun is peeping through the rust colored leaves. Your partner is
humming to the crackling radio.
“Where should we eat?”
Perhaps the humming is getting on
your nerves. Maybe your attention is focused on slow drivers, winding roads,
and a growling stomach. You’re thinking “food”
and you’re partner is oblivious to your immediate need.
Already this is not a great set-up
for a collaborative process. Ideally you would have made the decision of where
to eat before hopping in the car.
Regardless, here you are.
Your partner offers, “Ruby
Tuesday?”
You say, “No. Panera?”
Your partner says, “No” and offers
something else. This disagreement ‘ping-pong’ happens three or four times until
one of you reacts. The reaction is either a lashing out with criticism or
a shut down into a "whatever" attitude. Your fun outing has
just deflated into empty disconnect.
What can you do to stay connected
and collaborative when you disagree?
At the foundation of effective
collaboration is the ability to honor the other person's expression. When
your partner says, "What about going to Thai Kitchen?" he or she is
making an offering. Any expression, no matter how mundane the content, is
an offering or a sharing of your partner's experience. If you respond
with, "Yuck, not that place!" you’ve emotionally and energetically
pushed your partner away.
So how can you disagree and still honor
your partner's expression?
Here are two ideas:-
First, just pausing for a moment to
acknowledge your partner's offering can be enough. You might say
something like, "Oh yeah, I remember you saying before that you like that
place. Hmm, I really want to go somewhere you are excited about.”
(Then share what about the offering doesn't work for you). “I am
nervous about Thai Kitchen, though, because I think they use MSG which makes me
a bit sick. Are there any other Thai places that come to mind?"
This one or two sentence acknowledgment is especially useful when you’re
trying to decide while driving. Receiving your partner's offering with
acknowledgment before sharing your view supports you both in staying open to
creative collaboration.
Second, when you are not in the
pressured situation of driving and trying to decide something on the go,
greeting your partner's offering with curiosity is another way to meet his/her
need. It might sound something like this, "Thai Kitchen, huh, what do you
like about that place?"
Stay mindful. When you hear
something from your partner you don't like, watch your impulsive reaction. By
staying mindful, you can sense the aversion arise and let it move through you without
acting on it. You can then check-in with yourself and find out what you
do want rather than just pushing away what you don't want.
Practice
This week practice noticing the
impulse to push away something you don't like. Pushing away might look
like complaining, stating a contrary opinion, making a disgust face, looking
away, etc. As you notice the impulse to push away let yourself feel the
aversion before taking any action.
