6 Tips to Get Motivated When You're Feeling Depressed

BY MEGAN BRUNEAU

A common response to identifying lifestyle changes that might make a depressed person feel better is, “Easier said than done.” Someone coping with depression may get what she's supposed to do, but the question is how? After all, depression kills motivation, energy, interest, and focus.

Once you give the engine a jump, it often becomes easier, but until then, how do you connect the jumper cables you need to make a spark?

1. Set the bar LOW.

When you’re depressed, you’re not functioning at your usual 70-90%. Rather, you’re sitting somewhere closer to 20%. If you set the same expectations for yourself that you had when you weren’t feeling depressed (which is sometimes just getting dressed), you’re going to feel anxious and overwhelmed, and probably won’t do the task you expected from yourself (and thus will feel defeated and ashamed).

Set SMALL AND SPECIFIC GOALS. Seriously. Unload the dishwasher. Heck, unload three glasses. Task completed and still itching for more? You can always raise the bar if you’re feeling particularly motivated. Take note that if you feel highly overwhelmed while tackling your goal, chances are it's too high and you need to lower it to something more realistic or specific.

2. Practice self-compassion.

Self-criticism is depression’s BFF. If you beat yourself up for being so “unproductive” and “lazy,” You’re going to keep yourself feeling like crap and thus, paralyzed. Try instead to use the same encouraging words you might use for a friend or loved one. If you can’t find the words, read more about self-compassion here.

3. Recruit support, or ask for help.

Some of us have trouble holding ourselves accountable at the best of times. With little motivation or energy, it’s that much harder. Confide in someone you trust, and ask for their help. Ask a friend to hold you to your commitment. Ask your partner to accompany to a yoga class. Pay for your support group, counseling appointment, or massage beforehand so you’ll be more motivated to attend.

4. Envision how you'll feel after the task.

Getting in the shower, going for a walk, preparing a meal, or hanging out with a friend seems like a very ominous task if you focus on the effort involved. People who are depressed generally have low self-efficacy, which means they have low confidence in their ability to perform tasks. As such, they tend to feel overwhelmed and avoid such tasks. Lower expectations for yourself within the task, and envision how you (might) feel after the task rather than during.

5. Make the goal to do it, not to enjoy it.

When you’re feeling depressed, it’s natural to lose interest in things that used to make you happy. Comedy is no longer funny, sports are no longer fun, spending time with friends is no longer engaging. Anxiety, depression, and self-loathing take over, leading to feelings of detachment and defeat. So, when doing something “fun” or “active,” do it with the goal to do it, not to enjoy it.

6. Acknowledge your courage for stepping out of your comfort zone.

As painful as it is, depression can be come comfortable in a “devil you know” kind of way. You know what to expect, for the most part. You know the pain, you’re in the pain, you can predict that tomorrow will be more of the same. The idea of stepping out of this comfort zone can be quite anxiety provoking. Steven Hayes, a psychologist whose work I admire said, “If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’re always going to get what you’ve always gotten.” So, if you find you’re able to do something (even very slightly) different, congratulate yourself. There’s a good chance whatever you’re experiencing will come with anxiety, because anxiety accompanies uncertainty. Anxiety may be telling you you’re stepping out of the familiar routine of depression, so acknowledge your courage and try to bring such experiences forward in your journey.

The Tragic Cycle of "Overwhelm & Withdraw"

The Tragic Cycle of Overwhelm & Withdraw

adapted from LaShelle Charde

If you often feel overwhelmed and have a tendency to withdraw when stressed, then you may be wearing the "overwhelmed/withdrawn" face and inadvertently contribute to a reactive cycle.  

A gentle, engaging, and welcoming response from others is the best medicine for someone who has the reactive habit of feeling overwhelmed and withdrawing.  Unfortunately, the "overwhelmed/withdrawn" facial expression is one of the least likely ways to get this response.

The "O & E" face may reveal blank and frozen eyes, a lack of facial expression and a stiff body posture.   

When you wear the expression of overwhelmed/withdrawn, others often think one or more of the following:  

• You don't want connection and would rather be left alone.
• It will be a lot of work to connect with you.
• You will be boring.
• You think you are better than everyone else.

Acting on these thoughts others are more likely to forget you, ignore you, or avoid you.  This experience then reinforces the idea that you don't belong in the world, the world isn't a safe place to be you, and it is better to withdraw. Here begins the cyclic faulty thought reactive pattern.

You can intervene with this cycle in at least three ways:

First, practice noticing how you are holding your face and body. Invite yourself to soften, relax, and open your posture and energy.  

Second, anticipate events in which you are most likely to move into the overwhelm/withdraw reaction.  As you enter the event, practice engaging with others despite the impulse to withdraw.  Engagement can be as simple as making eye contact, smiling, walking towards others, saying "hello," and sitting without legs or arms crossed.

Third, out yourself whenever you can.  Let others know that you feel a bit overwhelmed and even though you might look like you aren't wanting to connect, you really welcome connection and are glad to be with the group.  This last bit of expressing what's really going on for you, is the fastest way to create a bridge between you and those around you.

Practice

If overwhelm and withdraw is a common pattern for you choose one of the three interventions listed above to practice with this week.  If this pattern describes someone you know, find one time this week to offer a gentle, engaging, and welcoming phrase or gesture.

Love

Good

Fix the Leak

Drip…drip…drip - sounds of a slow leak under the kitchen sink. The leak goes unnoticed. Water pools. Before you know it that little leak morphs into a major problem.

Similarly sex, or the lack thereof, can become a key obstacle in a happy relationship. Frequency becomes less and less…then one day the couple realizes it’s been two years.

I know that first-time clients can view ‘the couch’ as a daunting, foreign, uncomfortable place. There they are sitting across from me looking for a compassionate ear, but uncertain about topic focus. However, I’ve found that if a couples’ chief complaint involves sporadic sex then I’ll hear about it during the first session.

Over a period of time, problems in a couples’ sexual patterns can erode their sense of connection…it can also breed anger and resentment.

Why do couples stop having sex, and how can they prevent it? I don’t know - I believe the reasons are individual to the couple. However, I can pinpoint a few triggers that I’ve found to be at the foundation of many client cases.

1. Anger and resentment

Which came first? The anger or the apathy? The resentment or the unresponsiveness? Most couples don’t know. Often the anger issues are long-standing and viewed as unresolvable. The couple is distant on many levels. The solution to this is communication. Talk to your partner. Share your concerns calmly and non-defensively to eliminate resentments and resolve the issues.

2.  Exhaustion

Never underestimate how fatigue can impact your sex life. And ladies – I’m not just addressing your concerns with childcare, working, going to school and housekeeping…. men get tired too! Many men feel exhausted but don’t feel comfortable expressing vulnerability by telling their partner how tired they are.

3. Boredom, depression, or mediocre sex

Another reason sex has halted might seem very obvious – the sex isn’t very good. Aside from erectile difficulties or struggles with orgasms, perhaps the sex is boring and routine. Maybe the couples’ sex patterns have doused the spontaneity and excitement. Boredom doesn’t necessarily relate to just the bedroom – one partner may be bored with career, relationship or social life and those feelings of ennui have carried over to the bedroom. In terms of depression, the depressed partner rarely declares, “I’m depressed and I need help.” A depressed person seldom feels sexual. A way to work on improving the quality of sex is to focus on touching and pleasing one another. One exercise, called sensate focus, allows couples to take turns touching one another. The recipient gives feedback about what feels good. The goal of the exercise is to learn where and how to touch your partner so that the most pleasure is experienced. I know I emphasize it a great deal, but verbal communication is crucial for improving the quality of sex. Recapping the day and filling your partner in on all the cute things the kids did is great – just make sure there is time to talk about what you do and don’t like sexually.

4. Issues with initiating sex

Initiation is a delicate balance; when one person approaches the other there is potential for rejection. Repeated rejection can lead to resentment and avoidance.

At times, it may seem like one person is doing all the initiating. If both partners wait obviously there will be no sex. When addressing the topic of rejection be as gentle as possible and include a rain check suggestion, “I’d love to sweetie but my stomach is killing me – can we make love tomorrow instead?” Couples who have a healthy sex life typically say yes to sex…or negotiate different sexual activities or alternate days/times.

5. Foreplay starts before you hit the bedroom

John Gottman, one of my favorite relationship gurus, has found that men who do more housework typically get more sex. Foreplay starts first thing in the morning and never stops…kindness, concern, affection, respect, affirmation, consideration…all forms for foreplay.  Similarly, physical touch and affection can ignite a quick passionate kiss that can be continued later that evening.

6. Appearance or personal hygiene

You’ve been together a few years and maybe she only shaves her legs on the weekend. His trousers are a little snug and he’s taken to wearing sweatpants around the house. Maybe he’s stopped gargling with Scope before kissing or showering before being close. She’s put on weight and fails to maintain her fitness.

These can be difficult issues to discuss with a partner. There is potential for hurt feelings; but if approached with tact and sensitivity you can work together to become attractive to your partner. Some issues are more easily solved than others – it’s easy to brush your teeth or change your granny nightgown, but as anyone over 40 may know – weight loss is more difficult (but achievable).

7. Excessive masturbation to pornography

Primarily an issue for men. Some men turn to Internet pornography and masturbation when they have inconsistent sex in their relationship. There’s nothing wrong with masturbation – but some issues can develop. Libido for his partner may drop; He may not have the ability to have intercourse with his partner if he masturbated that afternoon; He may compare his partner to the young, slender women on the computer and she may not measure up; His partner may not be as open to the sexual activities presented in porn such as anal sex, threesomes or sex in public. A man whose sexual norm is based on pornography can get out of sync with his actual partner. One solution to this problem is to cease masturbation and Internet porn for 30 days. This will allow his libido for his partner to reset. During those 30 days focus on the other problems with sex and address them. Schedule a sexual frequency that is comfortable for both partners and resume masturbation on your non-partner sex days.

A relationship without sex isn’t necessarily wrong, but it can be more vulnerable to relationship problems than one with regular sex. As for how much sex a healthy couple should be having – that varies. It should be up to the couple to figure that out. It’s normal to reduce frequency the longer you’ve been together. Problems in a relationship like lack of trust, financial issues, parenting, misunderstandings, or anxiety can impact sexual patterns. It becomes cyclic…one can exacerbate the other.  Strive for intimacy to connect you together. I know I harp on ‘date night,’ but with chores and work and kids it’s the only way to recapture those getting-to-know you talks and spontaneity you had while dating.

L

Self-Care

Perfectionism, self-love, self-nurturance, pressure, self-care.

How often does your focus shift from self-care to self-aloofness?

Too often I see women who should ease up on the pressure to be perfect, the pressure to take care of everyone and everything and forget about the importance of self-nurturing and self-love.

Self-nurturing means more than getting your nails done or ordering a pizza on a Friday night – it’s a path back to your heart.

* Self-care is not optional.

                Running yourself ragged for too long cannot only lead to overeating and symptoms of depression, but it can affect your adrenals creating a problematic health path you don’t want to walk.

*Stay away from drama.

                You get what you put out. If you act in a way that is positive and  {with} minimal drama, you attract the same kind of positive situations and people. ~April Myers

If someone repeatedly comes to you with catastrophes, give yourself a window of time for listening and then take care of your own needs by walking away.

 *Self-care can take minutes

                It’s a myth that you need to spend an entire day pampering yourself.  If you have that mindset then you are likely to  think that you never have time for self-nurturing. Just three minutes before bed to breathe deeply and sit quietly will reap wonderful benefits.

*Self-care is affordable

              An expensive vacation or day spa package is not necessary.   A walk through the park, an Epsom salt bath, or 10 minutes of stretching can go a long way to refresh your body and mind.

*You have the right to practice self-care

                Taking care of everyone and everything else is not a prequesite to taking care of yourself. Self-care gives you the energy and nourishment needed to accomplish greatness.

*Self-care does not mean choosing  between yourself and others.

When you are not taking care of yourself you can end up in a cycle of deprivation leading to  frustration and fatigue. Put your oxygen mask on first before helping those next to you!

L

Life