Live in the now

How to Stop Dwelling on the Life You Could Be Living

By Ana Barcelos

“If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” ~Oprah Winfrey

I’ve often compared myself to others and imagined that they have a better life than I do.

The youngest of eight children, I grew up with a mother who often said, “So and so must really be happy! Look at them! They know how to live life.”

Becoming a widower at the age of forty with eight children to raise was not easy on her, which is why she constantly wished her life were different. And somehow, those thoughts and words stuck with me.

I’ve frequently felt that I’m not enough, despite being a professor and researcher, having published books, and having presented at conferences in Brazil and abroad.

No matter how much I’ve done and accomplished in my life, I usually catch myself looking at other people´s lives and thinking they´re better off (despite all the webinars, self-development books, self-improvement mp3s, and meditations I have done).

I compare myself to people who somehow “seem” to lead a more fun life. In the beginning of my career, I thought that other researchers were always “producing” more than I was.

This type of thinking also manifests in the suspicion that I could be living another life.

Let me explain: We sometimes get stuck, thinking the past, or our “lost opportunities,” as we like to label them, are better than the present.

Our thinking might sound like this:

“If I had done such and such, I would be living my dreams.”

“I could be living this adventurous life in another city doing something else.”

“I´d be so happy if only I had…”

This is where the problem lies.

Lost opportunities happen when we are nowhere instead of now here.

We are nowhere when we live in the present lamenting the past, dreaming of a future that may never come if we are not mindful about our present, about the now here.

No one can be happy if not in the present.

When I stay in that mode, I feel miserable. I feel like a victim—like I´m not enough, or a failure. All lies.

These big lies come from our shadows, from our fears, from our egos. This happens because we identify with our thoughts about what we could have done or what we should be doing. Being mindful is the opposite of that.

I have realized that I need to know how to differentiate my ego from my love voice. What does it feel in my body when I experience each of these? These are my thoughts about it:

Ego voice:

It would be so much better if you were somewhere else. Life on the other side is much better. You could be living in another country and you would happy; instead, you are stuck here. You lost your opportunity to live this life. You failed.

These thoughts make me feel anxious, fearful, nervous, and jittery.

Love says:

Your life is wonderful and you have so many possibilities and opportunities, right here and right now. You are wonderful and you are loved. Open your eyes to the doors of opportunity near you, to the beauty that you already create right here and right now. All is well.

These thoughts bring peace and calm to my body and heart.

As Maharishi Mahesh Yogi says, “The ego looks for what to criticize. This always involves comparing with the past. But love looks upon the world peacefully and accepts. The ego searches for short comings and weaknesses. Love watches for any sign of strength. It sees how far each one has come, and not how far he has to go.”

So, how can we get out of this rut? How can we live our lives and be more present to ourselves? I’ve developed this list for myself, and it just may help you too:

1. Breathe.

Breathing brings us to the present and it connects us with our higher selves. Whenever you see yourself comparing and going to the past, take a deep breath and bring your awareness to the present moment.

2. Listen to music.

Nietzsche said, “Life without music would be a mistake.” When you start getting down on yourself, turn up the volume of your favorite song. Soon you’ll be singing along, getting in the zone, and feeling good in the now, since music is the language of love.

3. Say a mantra.

I have learned that mantras can be incredibly powerful tools for mindfulness and empowerment. The one I like most is: “I am the Light. The Light is in me.”

4. Say affirmations.

I have made my own and have copied others that appeal to me, and I repeat them every morning before I get up.

If you find yourself dwelling on the past, affirm to yourself, “I accept all that is. All is well. I trust the divine order. I cherish all that I have and all that I am.”

Claim these words and really feel it as you say them.

5. Do some yoga poses.

Whenever you feel stuck, get your energy flowing with some yoga poses, such as the child posture, downward dog, or the tree pose. If yoga is new to you, you may want to start with some basic stretches, syncing your breath with the movements.

6. Marvel at nature.

Nature is here to nurture us. If you feel empty or lost in your negative thoughts about yourself and your life, step back and look at the world around you. I like to look at birds that come to eat in the backyard in my house. I see how free they are, and it reminds me I can be free, as well, if I choose to be.

7. Be thankful for all you have and are.

Gratitude is powerful because it helps us recognize all the good things around us, instead of dwelling on all the good things we think other people have. In fact, a good mantra is: “Thank you for everything. I have no complaints.”

8. Read inspiring spiritual messages and blogs.

One good blog is Tiny Buddha! It always uplifts me and puts me in a Zen state.

9. Do one tiny thing to create the life you want now (instead of dwelling on the life you could have had).

Ask yourself: what can I do right now to actively create the future I visualize?

10. Enjoy the present!

Being present means noticing the thousands of things around us that make life interesting. It also means making time for fun. It can be listening to your favorite song and singing along, or going out for a walk, writing in your journal, or savoring your favorite food.

Enjoy being here now and experiencing this beautiful world. Most importantly, enjoy the person who you are right now, exactly as you are!

I still have moments when I wish I lived a different life, but I see them as opportunities to practice being in the present and cherishing all that is happening now. I am learning to see these moments as tiny reminders of living in the moment.

How can you embrace and enjoy your life as it is today?

Relationship Check-In

LaShelle Lowe Charde

You and your partner may talk easily about things.  You share the events of your day.  You talk about how the kids are doing in school.  Maybe you have political discussions or share about the books you're reading.  But when it comes to sharing about how much or little each of you is enjoying your relationship, you might find yourself avoiding.

You have likely had many experiences in which hearing someone's dissatisfaction is accompanied by blame, shame, criticism, and analyses of why you are failing.  It's not surprising then that you are not eager to check in with your partner about his or her level of satisfaction in the relationship.  Unfortunately, by not checking in you miss out on opportunities to adjust the way you relate little by little as you go.  As a result, change often has to come in the form of big emotional storms that have been building over time.  This is a painful way to grow and change in your relationship.

You can make checking in with your partner about the level of satisfaction in the relationship safer by adding more structure and making clear requests.  Here are some ideas for structure and specific requests that will make it easier and safer to check in about your relationship:

1. Any expression of dissatisfaction is followed by an idea or request that would lead to more satisfaction.  Let's imagine that you say you're not satisfied with the amount of affection that is shared in your relationship.  Rather than long hours of processing about why there isn't more affectionate, simply make a request for affection in the moment.  For example, "I am missing affection with you, could we cuddle and watch a movie tonight?"  I can't emphasize enough how important this is.  When something is painful, your mind wants to analyze the past and figure out exactly what went wrong in hopes of preventing future pain.  This might be helpful later, but in the moment it is disconnecting and usually leads to criticizing, blaming, and defending, in other words, more pain.  When something is painful or missing, move directly toward what you want with collaboration and concrete action.

2. Check-in's that are specific lead to specific and do-able action.  Questions like, "Are you happy with me?" are vague and will result in vague generalizations, which make it very difficult to figure out how to make things better.  Check in with specific questions that address particular needs in a specific way.  Here are a few examples:
   1. "Are you feeling as connected with me as you want to right now?  If not, what could we do right now to create more connection?"
   2. "As we talk about moving, do you have a sense that I am considering your needs?  If not, what's one thing I could to give you a greater sense of consideration?"
   3. "I remember you saying that play is one of your most important needs to have met in our relationship.  In this last month, are we playing as much as you want?  If not, could we brainstorm ideas to bring more play into our life together?"

3. Check-in regularly and when things are going well.  Ritualize your check-in.  Set a specific time each week that you are relaxed and rested.  Create a supportive sacred space for being together.  Make use of ritual cues like a special tea to drink, lighting candles or incense, having special chairs or cushions, etc.  If you only do a relationship check-in when you sense there is a problem, you are heading toward the emotional storm I mentioned above.
   
   Also, when things are going well, celebrate how connected, in love, happy, secure, and alive you feel in your partnership.  This not only creates emotional resiliency in your relationship, it also helps you to associate positive feelings with a relationship check-in.  

Lastly, relationship check-ins are just as much about how the two of you might stretch to meet each other, as it is about you taking care of yourself.  For example, if you are missing companionship in your life, you might invite your partner for a hike on Saturday and you also might get in touch with friends to set up get togethers.  A relationship check-in isn't meant to make sure that all your needs are being met in the relationship.  It's meant to help you discern which needs you would like to meet with each other and whether or not you are doing that to the extent you would like.  It also hopefully supports you in maintaining a sense of your individuality and freedom to meet needs outside the relationship in a way that doesn't cost the needs of your partner and family.

Practice

Start your relationship check-in right now by checking in with yourself.  Here are some reflection questions that might help:  

• Am I neglecting any of my own needs because I am imagining they can't be met as long as I am in this relationship?  If yes, where can I get support to get creative about meeting these needs?
• Have I shared with my partner which 2 or 3 needs I would most like met with him or her?
• Do I know which needs are most important to my partner?  Do I know if s/he is satisfied with the extent to which these needs are met?
• What am I celebrating about our relationship right now?

Self Compassion

Teresa Weinsten Katz

How we beat ourselves up for that brownie or pizza slice! Once we’ve lost control or overdone it, forget about self-care and serenity. But research keeps confirming some ancient wisdom when it comes to eating better. Gentleness, being kind to oneself, paves a better path to success than self-flagellation.

“ROLAND PAIVA’S RADIANCE” BY ALEJANDRO CHASKIELBERG | YOSSI MILO GALLERY

One study asked dieters to go easy on themselves in the face of eating preferred candy. Eaters first rated as “highly restrictive” ate less after hearing a self-compassion message than those who did not. Christopher Germer, Ph.D. mentions this study in The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion. He explains, “When dieters’ heads are ‘not cluttered with unpleasant thoughts and feelings,’ they can focus on their dietary goals rather than trying to improve their mood by eating more food.”

While those of us interested in mindfulness and eating behavior may have found this work striking, it didn’t venture far beyond the mindfulness literature. Now, two new books and a related New York Times article highlight “Go Easy on Yourself, a New Wave of Research Urges“.

How could we have gotten this so wrong? “I’m afraid if I go easy on myself, I’ll just give in and not care anymore,” said Marie. “How can I be nice to myself after I’ve done something so disgusting?” said Sarah. These thoughts, typical of dieters, and binge eaters, don’t square with the fact that, almost always, the slips and binges continue unabated. The self-abasement doesn’t seem to work. The fear, though, is that maybe things would be even worse without it.

Consider what might really be happening, though. Who might really deserve to be treated nicely – in others words, allowed to succeed, allowed to be comfortable and not stuffed? The person who’s doing her best, or the person who has done something really “disgusting”? The self-flagellation confirms that we may not be worth the care and effort of eating better. We can see this difference at work when we picture responding to a friend who’s overeaten. Would we really punish and yell at her, or would we try to soothe and encourage her? Which might help more?

Also, those negative thoughts and feelings do clutter the mind. It’s hard to reflect on what happened – on how and why a slip or binge occurred – while so preoccupied. And that kind of reflection helps avert future problems. Analysis of such events is, in fact, a major component of relapse prevention programs, and cognitive-behavioral change programs, of all types.

Dr. Kristen Neff, author of Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind, notes that self-compassion increases motivation, contrary to the idea that we’ll whip ourselves into shape with self-criticism. You can hear this when Marie, quoted above, worked to change the habits and self-talk that followed her slips:

“It’s funny, now I actually feel like I want to avoid the temptations, because I know how good I’ll feel, and how bad I’ll feel if I don’t. I guess I feel like I have some power to control that now.” tweet

The other new book on the topic, The Self-Compassion Diet, by Jean Fain, points to the deprivation and neglect that most diet plans encourage. This stands out in Sarah’s case, who likewise had begun to respond to her binges with more self-care. “It’s the old thing, you know, that if you can’t have it you want it so much more.”

Self-compassion sits firmly in the traditions of Buddhist psychology and modern mindfulness practices. They embrace the paradox that change more likely follows acceptance than resistance. They teach that it’s hard to behave in ways that are peaceful and non-harming (for example, eating well) without first extending care to oneself.

The shift to less severe responses can indeed require “work”, time and energy. Mindfulness practice itself can help. That is, the practice of observing one’s responses non-judgmentally, in the present moment, staying aware of the breath. Skills used to deal with other negative thoughts and behaviors can help here, too, such as cognitive restructuring or affirmations. However you approach the change, the compassionate stance is that it may not happen instantly or perfectly. You’ve been hard on yourself for a long time, after all. You’ll need to learn how to be nicer now. Note what you try to do differently, and reassure yourself that you’re on the right path.

In pursuit of .....

I've met with people from all walks of life...young, old, married, divorced, straight, gay, transgendered...and, yet, I find the one thing everyone who walks through my door seeks is happiness.

I often say that I wish I had a magic wand, fairy dust, or sparkly capsule that will completely transform someone's life and shower him or her with raindrops of joy...but I don't. And that elusive feeling of merriment will never be found extrinsically.

*sigh*

That's the universal echo bouncing off my purple walls when I deliver reality.

Don't wait to be happy. Don't try to find it in another person.

Happiness is a choice; it can only come from you. 

Wandering Aimlessley

Michelle Uris

When we are in a new city, or mountain valley, or country, we find it easy to reside in the present moment. Every detail around us is new and exciting. Foreign street corners speak in dreamy song; morning dew along our backcountry trail radiates a celestial presence so new, we mistake ourselves for being under a different sky. We are mesmerized – engulfed in each moment. We find the subtle beauty in those around us. Whether street vendors or pigeons or crashing waves, we eavesdrop as though opening our ears to prayer. When we travel, we do this naturally. Because we have set the intention to discover newness, whatever it may be. We put our expectations aside, and instead approach our wanderings with curiosity. We are outside of ourselves, interested in what every turn has to offer.

The mindfulness practice of aimless wandering is a way to bring these dreamy, traveling inspirations into one’s everyday life. In many forms of meditation, we place our attention on our inward experience, such as our breath or the sensations arising in our body. When we aimlessly wander, we usually move through space (although the practice can also be done sitting), and let our senses be the focus of our thoughts. We take things in, just as they are.

We connect with our inner child: naturally curious, inspired, unassuming, amused, and connected.

So why is aimless wandering a helpful practice, and how do you do it? Aimless wandering is helpful in that it grounds us in the present moment. It helps us appreciate the world around us, it slows our thoughts down, it gives us a break from anxiety, depression, worry, and stress, and by engaging our curiosity, we find ourselves naturally inspired. We may see a spike in our creativity, playfulness, and gratitude. And at the end of it all, we are guaranteed a different perspective.

There is practically no wrong way to aimlessly wander. Simply focus your attention on your senses, and explore! Take a walk. Pause to examine the things that catch your eye, your ears, or your sense of smell. Maybe you are pulled toward the swirly pattern of bark on the neighbor’s tree. Feels its texture! Let it remind you of something. Then let your thoughts go again, and keep wandering. Sit and watch the world when a bench or patch of grass calls your name. Step into a store you’ve never thought of exploring. Smell the smells. Pretend you just landed in this neighborhood from another planet, and you are seeing earth for the first time. What baffles you? What makes sense to you? What draws you in, and what repulses you? Be curious, and then let the thought go, and continue moving, without needing to draw any definitive conclusions.

Wander for ten minutes on your lunch break. Wander after work, knowing you’ll end up home eventually. Wander with the dog, an equally inquisitive companion. Wander alongside your partner and family, detaching and reattaching like seaweed in the rocking tide of your curiosities. At the end, share with each other. Or journal and paint what you felt. Or just continue your practice, perhaps sitting on your porch, watching the leaves quiver in the wind.

Perceived Partner Demands

LaShelle Lowe-Charde

It could be that your partner really is making demands of you*.  It could also be that your partner is really making a request and you mistakenly perceive a request as a demand.  When this is the case, you likely encounter a look of exasperation on your partner's face as s/he wonders how to ask you something in a way that won't be heard as a demand.  

Reflecting on your own experience in this situation you might notice that you are saying things to yourself like:  "It's better to just say yes and preserve the peace."  "S/he will be upset if I say no."  "Why is s/he is always telling me what to do?"  "As usual, I don't have a choice."  These are all signs that you might be hearing a demand where there isn't one.

If you have a history of experiences in which people close to you couldn't hear a "no" to their request without lashing out at you in some way, then you might hear lots of requests as demands.  Perhaps even your current partner has gotten pretty reactive in the past when s/he was met with a "no" from you.  In this situation a disappointed partner isn't just a disappointed partner.  Looking through the lens of past pain, a disappointed partner means there's a threat of pain and punishment.

To avoid this potential pain, you might find yourself trying to manage your partner's emotions.  If s/he is anxious, you are anxious.  If s/he is disappointed, you rush to make him or her happy or try minimize or explain away the difficult feelings.  You aren't able to tolerate your partner's upset, because it is linked to punishment and pain for you.

This is no way to live.  It's stressful and over time builds toxic resentment in you both. To shift this dynamic, there are a few key things to which to attend.  For you there are, at least, these three things:   

1. There is the practice of noticing when you hear a demand and then checking it out with your partner to see what's true.  
2. Then there is setting a boundary when your "no" or you choosing what's right for you isn't met with respect.  
3. Lastly, there is the practice of tolerating the anxiety or defensiveness that arises in you when your partner makes a request.   You want to be able to manage your own reaction long enough to find out if there is really a demand and to mindfully receive your partner's respect for your choice when it is present.  When your partner is respecting your choice, it doesn't mean that s/he doesn't feel sad or disappointed.  It does mean that s/he takes responsibility for meeting needs in another way and maintains a loving connection with you.  This last one is really the core work of creating a new association to setting boundaries with people you love and seeing that neither you nor the connection is threatened.

For your partner, there is to earn your trust by making requests in a clear way, and showing that s/he can tolerate the disappointment of hearing you say "no" without resorting to pressuring, punishing, inducing guilt by naming all the things s/he sacrificed for you, or other forms of disrespect.  If your partner isn't able to offer this, then it's time to get some extra support for your relationship.

Life gets a whole lot easier when you and your partner hold each other as capable of being with difficult emotions without having to rescue one another from them and without lashing out.  In addition to all the difficulties mentioned above, you also want to say yes to requests because you care for your partner's happiness and want to contribute to that.  In those moments when your choice doesn't please your partner, you can still express caring.  Caring comes in many forms - empathy, affection, honesty, warm tone of voice, etc.

Practice

Take a moment now to reflect on a moment when you have felt the pull to say yes to someone's request without considering your own needs and preferences.  What could you have done to make space for your own needs?  What would it have sounded like to check in about whether the other person was coming from request or demand energy?  How might you have expressed what came up for you hearing the request?

Setting Boundaries

What makes boundary setting difficult?

If you have difficulty setting boundaries, there's a good chance that you grew up in a family where setting a boundary (asking for something outside the family norms, saying no, or attempting to make a decision for yourself) was punished, shamed, or simply ignored.  As a kid, your first imperative is to belong to your parents and family.  This is a deeply wired in response that is meant to ensure your survival.  In order to maintain a sense of safety and belonging, a child will wall off parts of herself.  She will put any part of her that threatens safety and belonging on a shelf and engage in behaviors designed to protect herself.

Research shows* that these behaviors that were adopted in the face of threat can be very difficult to change.  An attempt to change them triggers the sense of threat experienced in the original traumatic situation.  This sense of threat implores you to stop what you are doing, to back away at any cost.  Your heart starts pounding, your palms sweat, and adrenalin rushes through you.  Your body tells you to flee the threat and return to homeostasis as soon as possible.  Really though, you are lucky if your symptoms are this obvious, because it's easier to see how the reaction doesn't match the situation and therefore you can be more clear about what's really true in the moment.

What's more common is that you have adopted a set of complex decision making processes that keep you from ever facing threat at this level.  You learn which situations to avoid and how to navigate through potentially threatening situations in such a way that the sense of threat remains minimal.

So in learning to set boundaries you may be faced with two fundamental challenges:

1. To go into compassionate relationship with the acute, heart pounding, reactivity that occurs when you move forward with setting a boundary in what you perceive as a threatening situation.
2. To wake up to all the unconscious ways you sacrifice who you are in order to avoid ever facing threat.

The first one, acute reactivity, you can meet with all the tools you have for centering, the mental clarity that this is arising out of a past threat, and the soothing mantra that it is okay for you to set boundaries.  If these three aren't effective at grounding you, you will notice another layer of reactivity.  This layer of reactivity will likely show up in the form of defending your right to set boundaries by (either in your head or out loud to someone else) making the other person wrong, giving all the good reasons why you have a right to set that boundary, making yourself wrong for setting the boundary, attempting to shut the whole system down through alcohol, comfort eating, or distraction.  Lastly, in the long term, each time you can stay grounded through this acute reactivity and see that your life is not actually threatened as a result of setting the boundary, boundary setting becomes easier and less triggering.

The second challenge requires a subtle study of your experience, decisions, and results of those decisions.  With unconscious decisions to avoid being triggered look for these symptoms:

• a feeling of being small or shrinking
• accusing others of taking advantage of you, using you, or ignoring you
• feeling disconnected
• a sense of inauthenticity as you attempt to give empathy or achieve harmony
• regret or pain about not getting what you really want
• complaints about how others get what they want but you don't
• making someone else wrong (selfish) for engaging in self-care and saying no to what they don't want or asking for what they do want

As you see both of these forms of reactivity more clearly and with compassion, you will become more free to make the choices that serve you and others.  To begin to change your relationship to boundaries at this level, it's important not only watch for these patterns, but to also look for opportunities to set boundaries in situations that hold a sense of security for you.  For example, you might practice setting boundaries with a trusted friend.  This boundary setting practice might look like saying no to his idea of where to eat or asking for what you want when it's uncomfortable and would be easier to let it go.

Practice

Take some time now to review an agreement that you have made with someone recently.  Mindfully feel and reflect on each part of the agreement and notice if there are any symptoms from the second kind of challenge (bullet points above).  If so imagine yourself changing the agreement, mindfully feeling your body and grounding through any physiological escalation.  Find even the smallest action to move you towards setting a boundary in this situation.