Sunday, November 13, 2016

Should I have broken up with my ex?

Breakups are the pits. I’ve been through it and it’s never fun.
The worst part is the nagging doubt that creeps in…often running circles in your mind…questioning your decision to move on.
Should you have ended it?
Rather than telling yourself not to think about it (good luck with that), ask yourself these questions to productively process if giving the relationship a second go is worth it.

1.  Are you in love with him or the idea of him?
Sometimes there’s a desire for an actual person, and other times there’s a desire to have a person fill the loneliness. And that’s okay. I don’t believe we’re really wired to be alone. Pay attention to your feelings and see if they are coming from a place of clarity. Sometimes getting caught up in the sudden loneliness of not having someone to text or having someone to take to an upcoming party causes you to lose perspective.

If you don't think it's just loneliness, really consider the qualities your person has. Too often the memory of a person we miss gets blown out of proportion in our minds; Are the things you love about this man reality, or just longing for who you desire him to be? What specifically do you miss?
2. What were the reasons that led you to break up in the first place?
You might miss him now, but there was a reason to end the relationship in the first place. Was it over something substantial like infidelity or religious beliefs? Has anything happened to make you think those issues have been resolved?
Did you have lousy communication?
Remind yourself of how those difficulties made you feel. That leads into the next question -

3. What would a relationship with him look like now?
If the reason was something like distance or a move, then think about what rekindling your relationship would look like now. If he's on one coast and you're on the other, is that something you're willing to make work? And if a larger mitigating factor, such as distance, isn't an issue, then assess if you're really ready for a fresh relationship. Sure, you know the guy already. Getting back together can be a fresh start, but it also doesn't magically fix lingering issues you had from your previous attempt.
4. Do you see a future together?
It’s possible that when looking at your relationship in a static way, any problems leading up to the breakup (or even post-breakup) don’t seem very large. Maybe you worked through some of your previous issues. But did you consider the biggest one: whether or not there's a foundation for a real future together? The first time around, it can be easy to get swept up in the feeling of falling in love. If you're going to take the effort to restart a previously sputtered romance, building it on a shared vision makes it more likely that this time around you two will make it.
Answer these questions honestly. Also, your ex is not the last man left on earth. You may be feeling sadness, regret or guilt now,  but try and use the lessons learned in your next relationship.

And if there is a chance to rekindle…by all means go for it! I believe in second chances (as long as no hard boundaries were crossed).

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