Basic Relationship Advice

Basic Relationship Advice

Pick up any glossy magazine or browse  Google for an article on love and relationships and you’re bound to find a bevy of how-tos and what-to-dos. If you are currently in a relationship or are actively seeking one – here are some basic things to think about:

1. Understand the role of romantic relationships.

We are attracted to the opposite sex for varying reasons. Sometimes it’s the sound of his laughter, the soft beard that covers his dimples, his honesty, or the way he twirls you around the dance floor.

We may feel comfort, sexual attraction, and/or affection. However, the larger role of romantic relationships is to help us to grow into the best version of ourselves.

How do you feel about yourself when you are together?

Your relationship satisfaction and fulfillment is based on your authenticity, boundaries, and ability to recognize the amount of learning and personal growth you receive from the relationship.

2. There is no perfect person.

Wait! What?

Sorry to burst your glitter-filled bubble, but there is not perfect mate…only the perfect mate for you.

Build your relationship foundation on shared core qualities (trustworthiness, respect, unconditional love, passion, etc.) and work together to create your ideal relationship. Expect learning curves, growth and lots of learning.

3. Shelve the idea of Happily Ever After.

Thanks Hans Christian Andersen for the fairytale ending of finding the one perfect person to spend the rest of our lives with…a subconscious thought form imbedded at an early age.

Some relationships are meant for a lesson, a brief interlude, a decade of connection and some for a lifetime. Watch out for the trap of finding your ever-after-partner.

Appreciate what every relationship has to offer and fully commit to that person. Just be cautious when your mind leads you to the fairy tale castle of happy endings.

We can appreciate what the relationship has to offer us. We can even be committed to that person. The quality of an authentic romantic relationship does not need to be diminished because there is no projected future. Take your time and honor what the present moment has to offer you. However, be cautious when your mind starts selling you on the dream of a future and you begin to sell your partner on that idea.

L

Look within

When the night turns grey

and the moon begins her glow

howl at her beauty and

beckon the dawn of the new day

for it is within this rebirth that

you will discover all there

ever really is

lies within you

Life is too short....

Life is too short to deal with Asshats.

Asshats. 

I’m pretty sure you know one. I’m even pretty sure you’ve been one.

A-hole.

Ever met one who is described as selfish and is chronically inconsiderate?  How did you handle the A-hole? Just in case you’ve misplaced your Tips for Dealing with Asshats notepad I’ll offer some tidbits below:

1. Selfishness: Being selfish isn’t always a negative. After all, you do need to focus on your goals and take care of yourself. But there are those who are consistently inconsiderate of other people’s feelings and those who lack compassion. These are the Narcissistic A-holes. Their mantra is “me, me, me, me” and they aren’t switching tunes any time soon. You can try calling them on their behavior in hopes it will dull the egocentric selfish shine, but chances are you will end up with a matte finish of self-seeking narcissism.

2. Bulldozing: Asshats can be known for their bullying of others when they don’t get their own way. This type of A-hole is quick to criticize and shrugs off cooperative communication. There is nothing you can do to change them, but you will feel better if you stand up to them and disregard their intimidating comments.

3. Slothism: This lazy Asshat is a do nothing and will do nothing. Unmotivated, uncommitted, unwilling and unmoved. They don’t care and probably never will unless they are shown some tough love. This languid A-hole is late to work, contributes nothing and relies on others to pick up the slack. To deal with this type of Asshat document everything, call them on it and report them (at work).

Asshats present as both genders, races and socioeconomic classes. They are everywhere. They make the lives of those around them intolerable.

If you can’t manage them – leave them.

Life is far too short.

L 

You are dying

Don't be fooled by the calendar. There are only as many days in the year as you make use of. ~Charles Richards

You are going to die.

We all are; though most of us spend our lives pretending that we will live forever.

Stop kicking happiness down the road.

Stop putting off that dream vacation.

Stop letting fear hold you back.

Just stop.

Regret is a much bigger monster to face than fear.

Tell someone you love him. Isn’t it a beautiful thing to be loved?

Eat the last bite of cake. Walk an extra 20 minutes to burn the calories if you must.

Train for an event you never think you’ll finish.

I have friends waiting to live.

I have clients with end-of-life timelines who realize that life is too short.

Embrace your now with intensity and purpose.

If you wait, all that happens is that you get older. ~Larry McMurtry, Some Can Whistle

L

I'm not afraid of the water

I’m not afraid of the water

At the age of 3 my mother would wake me up at 6am so we could have our toes in the sand during peak sun hours.

For 6 years I lived on a Mediterranean island; the azure waters my delight.

I love to splash my feet along the water’s edge.

Nature’s symphony and duality of lapping water and crashing waves is mesmerizing. 

I live within a two-mile jog of the Oceanfront and bask in gritty air and salt-licked skin.

But ask anyone who participates with me in ocean-involved endurance events and you will hear a different perspective.

Yes – I’m the girl frantically galloping to dry land in hopes of escaping the looming arched form from taking me prisoner. (Only to be sent back in).

I’m not afraid of the water. I’m terrified of the angry surf so powerful a 250lb man is thrust to his knees.

I was not always like this.

Ocean waves represent a powerful, unyielding force that can hold one captive for an immeasurable length of time. The push and pull is unpredictable and relentless. Lack of air. Fear.

Displacement.

Fear of waves (and I refer to Ocean City size waves) is relatively new.

I understand the trigger.

I’m determined to overcome it.

And that’s why I subject myself to event after event where I must face my demons sandy-faced and determined.

We all have a process. Everyone is unique in learning to accept or overcome deep fears, regret, guilt, anger, etc.

The most important part of the process is that you don’t have to be alone. When I stand in 8ft waves stifling screams and epithets I am surrounded by a team of supporters: my physical anchors and my emotional cheerleaders.

I love my job because I am afforded the opportunity to be your anchor. I am no magician and I cannot make the past disappear.

I can provide tools and empathy and validation to assist you in facing the darkness.

You are never alone.

I am not afraid of the water. I’ve been afraid of what it represents.

L

The girl who doesn't need anyone

What to Expect When You Fall for the Girl Who's Used to Never Needing Anyone

By Anna Bashedly

This one is going to be different. I can promise you that. But I can also promise that you won’t ever be uninspired or bored - this is the girl who will change you, she won’t ever take your shit, and you’ll be a better man because of it.

She comes across as a paradoxical mix of outgoing but introverted, very social but seldomly out. When you’re so used to not needing anyone, you know exactly who you are, and she’ll never fake anything because of it. This makes maintaining relationships a constant struggle for her. She’ll connect with many, and they’ll quickly feel comfortable with her, but it takes her a while to feel fully comfortable, so she can only take being around others incrementally.


This might frustrate you. There seem to be so many walls to break down. Just when you start to feel like you’re figuring her out - you find another piece to the puzzle that throws everything off. Be patient. She’s this tough because she had to be. Something happened that taught her to never need anyone. Someone she needed left before she was done needing them. But none of this will spill out easily. She’s extremely uncomfortable with other people seeing her vulnerable or in pain. Her emotions and pain are hers, and this is what she’s used to.

She’ll tell herself she doesn’t need you. She’ll make situations worse by trying to suppress her feelings about them. When you fall for the girl who’s used to not needing anyone, believe that she has more feelings and layers than she knows what to do with. Her instinct will be to try to compose herself. When she does open up to you, it’s everything. Being emotionally naked with someone is how she expresses her love.


She’ll know exactly who she is and what she wants. When you’re used to not needing anyone, you do what you want, when you want, and without asking permission or informing anyone. She loves this part of her identity, but she secretly wants you to confront her. She’s hoping that sometimes, you’ll put your foot down, and challenge her stubborn ways.

She’s strong, maybe even too strong for you at first. Don’t let this fool you. This is her outer shell. Her armor. She is so used to taking care of herself that it's going to be hard for her to let someone else in. It took a lot of work to get to where she is: Independent, taking no shit and being happy on her own. She's afraid to let you in because she's afraid of what will happen if you might leave.


I can promise you it won’t be easy, she’ll hang on to her walls for as long as she can. She will be enigmatic. She will always want things her way, and she’ll fight you when she doesn’t get it.

She’ll even try to push you away. This is how she protects herself.

But when you really get to know her, she’ll be the girl who will change your life. Don’t always give in to her, but be patient with her. She’s strong, but she’s also scared - scared of love, scared of needing someone, and definitely scared of you.

Because even if she says she doesn’t need you, at her core she is just a girl who has more love than she knows what to do with.

Smartphones are the death of communication

The way we communicate has changed significantly over the past few decades. As someone born in the 70s, I grew up with the options of face-to-face, telephone (attached to the wall) or the written word.  Period.

Now, many kids never learn cursive writing and most homes don’t have a landline telephone at all.  A lot of communication, even face-to-face, is virtual.

As a therapist who practices relationship counseling, I find that the explosion of communication devices may have its advantages, but the misuse, or overuse, of those devices can be very destructive for couples.

Unfortunately, with the popularity of online dating sites, many couples ‘meet’ each other through text messages on their Smartphones, and texting becomes their default means of communication.

Here are a few ways in which our phones are often used inappropriately in relationships:

Engaging in high conflict discourse via text 

Texting is not an appropriate means of communication when dealing with sensitive issues.  It lacks context and is vulnerable to misinterpretation. You can’t hear someone’s tone, see their facial expression, their lilt or emphasis on certain words. And then there are the frequent errors thanks to overzealous auto-correct programs that can lead to either hilarity or crisis. Texting should be used for simple messages such as, “I will be 5 minutes late” or “Could you please pick up some milk?” If there is something important you need to resolve, wait until, ideally, you can discuss it in person.  If you worry you will get too emotional to talk, write down what you want to say and read it, or if you have to, give it to your partner to read.

Engaging with others via smartphone while with your partner

All too often, one member of a couple complains that the other is always on his/her phone, even when they are spending time together.  This partner feels devalued, ignored and rejected.  The accused often suffers from FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), or work-related pressure to be connected and responsive at all times.  When you’re spending time together, your partner has to be your priority.  If you can’t turn off your phone and spend time alone with your partner, you have to ask yourself why? Work responsibilities can often seem overwhelming, but no one, short of the President of the United States, should have to be accessible 24/7. It also isn’t healthy for anyone to deprive themselves of physical and mental breaks from their work. Having to be on one’s phone constantly during waking hours suggests to me that one’s life is dangerously out of balance.

Spending more time playing games on your phone

 
Doing this during leisure time than spending time with your partner?  It is shocking how much time many people spend playing video games or engaging in betting and sports pools at the expense of their partner.  It is only natural that someone in a high-stress job involving a lot of interaction wants to disengage at night to unwind, but this doesn’t have to be done alone in front of a screen.  Creating intimacy with your partner doesn’t have to involve deep conversation.  Snuggle up in front of a movie, listen to music and/or read together, or do yoga or meditation.

We are all social beings that need connection.  While the explosion of communication technologies can help connect you to others who are far away, they can also easily disconnect you from the person you are closest to.  Prioritize your partner and your relationship. Set limits on how, and how much you use your Smartphone.

Erica Berman