Happy

6 Things to Say to Someone with Depression or Who’s Depressed

By JOHN M. GROHOL, PSY.D. 

Lots of people experience depression, while others just have bad days or just are feeling down on themselves. No matter why they’re depressed, sad, or unmotivated to do much of anything, one thing is certain — it’s a tough feeling to experience. Depression is isolating — like you’re all alone in it, and that it will never end.
As a friend or partner of someone who’s experiencing that depression or feeling blue, what can you do to help? After all, there’s a lot of advice telling you what not to say to a depressed person and things that most people don’t want to hear when they’re feeling down.

We crowd-sourced the following list by querying our Facebook friends about what they’d like to hear when they’re feeling down, blue, or depressed. Here are a few of their very, very good suggestions.

1. You’re right, this sucks.

The generalization is that men are problem solvers, and women are listeners. People who are depressed don’t want problem solvers — they’ve usually run through all the scenarios and solutions in their head already. They just can’t do it.
What they’re looking for instead is simple acknowledgement and empathy.

2. You don’t walk this path alone. I’m here if you need me.

When a person is depressed, one of the feelings many people experience is an overwhelming sense of loneliness — that no one can understand what they’re going through. They are all alone.
A reminder from a friend or loved one that, indeed, they’re not alone and they are loved can be invaluable. It also reminds them of the reality — that people in their life do love them and are there for them if they need them.

3. I believe in you… You’re awesome!

Sometimes a person has given up hope that they’ll amount to anything in life. They’ve lost all belief in themselves, and feel like nothing they do is right or good enough. Their self-esteem is, in a word, shot.
That’s why it can be helpful to reaffirm that you believe in them. You believe in their ability to once again experience hope, to be the person you once were — or even more. That they are still an awesome person, if even if they’re not feeling that way at the moment.

4. How can I help? What can I do for you?

One part of the way many people experience depression is that they have little motivation to do things that need to get done. Offer your support and direct assistance in getting something done for them. It might be picking up a prescription, a few groceries from the store, or simply getting the mail. Offer this help only if you’re willing to do what is asked of you.

5. I’m here if you want to talk (walk, go shopping, get a bit to eat, etc.).

This is more of a direct suggestion, choosing something that you know the friend or loved one is going to be interested in doing. Maybe they just want to talk (and need you to simply listen). Maybe they need a nudge to get up, get changed, and go out and just dosomething — anything. You can be that person to help them get moving.

6. I know it’s hard to see this right now, but it’s only temporary… Things will change. You won’t feel this way forever. Look to that day.

When a person’s depressed, sometimes they lose all perspective. Depression can feel like an endless black hole in which there’s no way to climb out of. Saying something along these lines reminds them that all of our emotions and moods are not permanent, even if they feel like they are.

Feel Good

How to feel good - or at least stop feeling bad

Stop unwanted habits by learning to accept them.

Published on March 23, 2011 by Leslie Becker-Phelps, Ph.D. in Making Change

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If only we could wish away bad habits and unwanted traits. We would all be like the population of Garrison Keillor's Lake Wobegon - "where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average." Instead, we are stuck with our imperfect selves. While we enjoy shining moments of accomplishment and virtue, we also struggle with the less stellar aspects of ourselves; such as unhealthy eating, low self-esteem, depression, or untold anxieties.
Part of being human is the experience of always being a work in progress - never that final, perfect person. This can make life an exciting adventure; as long as you continue to move in the direction of growth.

Two important steps in encouraging growth are really being 'in' your life experiences - not always thinking about other things - and accepting those experiences. When you acknowledge, experience, and fully accept your feelings, you are essentially accepting all aspects of yourself and gaining a sense of being 'at home' in you. Even when you don't like your emotions or are unhappy, they can still feel right. A perfect example of this is when you grieve the loss of someone important in your life; you don't like the experience, but you have a sense that it is a genuine expression of your feelings, and so it feels right.You might be thinking; This all sound great, but how can I find such inner peace? There is one very good way to do this that I am hesitant to mention because so many people misunderstand it... meditation. Although increasingly more people are learning the benefits of it for themselves, there are also many others who immediately 'know' it is not for them. They might be right, but they dismiss it before they really even understand it.

People often think of meditation as achieving a state of bliss, or at least a deep calm. Although it's true that meditation can be relaxing, that's not its main purpose. It is a practice of being aware of, and directing, your attention to your moment-by-moment experience. And it does this by teaching people to see when they become distracted or carried away with thoughts or feelings; and to return their attention to the moment (often focusing on their breath).

This process can be applied to people's lives outside of meditation, helping them to change things about themselves. So, for example, the emotional overeater can note her urges to eat; learn to tolerate them - along with any accompanying unpleasant emotions - without reaching for food; and return her attention the tasks at hand in her daily routine. Importantly, she is neither denying her urges, which might send them underground to sabotage her later; nor chastising herself for having them, which would undermine her motivation to treat herself well and make healthier food choices.

Stated succinctly, meditation helps people change by teaching them to be inside their experience and simultaneously outside, watching it with perspective. By being in the moment without feeling overcome by emotion, people can become adept at seeing themselves repeat patterns. Then, while acknowledging and experiencing an old pattern, they can choose to respond differently. It's in this way that meditation frees people to make the personal changes they so desire.

Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps is a clinical psychologist in private practice and is on the medical staff at Somerset Medical Center in Somerville, NJ. She also writes a blog for WebMD (The Art of Relationships) and is the 'Relationship' expert on WebMD's Relationships and Coping Community.

Worthiness

6 Tips to Get Motivated When You're Feeling Depressed

BY MEGAN BRUNEAU

A common response to identifying lifestyle changes that might make a depressed person feel better is, “Easier said than done.” Someone coping with depression may get what she's supposed to do, but the question is how? After all, depression kills motivation, energy, interest, and focus.

Once you give the engine a jump, it often becomes easier, but until then, how do you connect the jumper cables you need to make a spark?

1. Set the bar LOW.

When you’re depressed, you’re not functioning at your usual 70-90%. Rather, you’re sitting somewhere closer to 20%. If you set the same expectations for yourself that you had when you weren’t feeling depressed (which is sometimes just getting dressed), you’re going to feel anxious and overwhelmed, and probably won’t do the task you expected from yourself (and thus will feel defeated and ashamed).

Set SMALL AND SPECIFIC GOALS. Seriously. Unload the dishwasher. Heck, unload three glasses. Task completed and still itching for more? You can always raise the bar if you’re feeling particularly motivated. Take note that if you feel highly overwhelmed while tackling your goal, chances are it's too high and you need to lower it to something more realistic or specific.

2. Practice self-compassion.

Self-criticism is depression’s BFF. If you beat yourself up for being so “unproductive” and “lazy,” You’re going to keep yourself feeling like crap and thus, paralyzed. Try instead to use the same encouraging words you might use for a friend or loved one. If you can’t find the words, read more about self-compassion here.

3. Recruit support, or ask for help.

Some of us have trouble holding ourselves accountable at the best of times. With little motivation or energy, it’s that much harder. Confide in someone you trust, and ask for their help. Ask a friend to hold you to your commitment. Ask your partner to accompany to a yoga class. Pay for your support group, counseling appointment, or massage beforehand so you’ll be more motivated to attend.

4. Envision how you'll feel after the task.

Getting in the shower, going for a walk, preparing a meal, or hanging out with a friend seems like a very ominous task if you focus on the effort involved. People who are depressed generally have low self-efficacy, which means they have low confidence in their ability to perform tasks. As such, they tend to feel overwhelmed and avoid such tasks. Lower expectations for yourself within the task, and envision how you (might) feel after the task rather than during.

5. Make the goal to do it, not to enjoy it.

When you’re feeling depressed, it’s natural to lose interest in things that used to make you happy. Comedy is no longer funny, sports are no longer fun, spending time with friends is no longer engaging. Anxiety, depression, and self-loathing take over, leading to feelings of detachment and defeat. So, when doing something “fun” or “active,” do it with the goal to do it, not to enjoy it.

6. Acknowledge your courage for stepping out of your comfort zone.

As painful as it is, depression can be come comfortable in a “devil you know” kind of way. You know what to expect, for the most part. You know the pain, you’re in the pain, you can predict that tomorrow will be more of the same. The idea of stepping out of this comfort zone can be quite anxiety provoking. Steven Hayes, a psychologist whose work I admire said, “If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’re always going to get what you’ve always gotten.” So, if you find you’re able to do something (even very slightly) different, congratulate yourself. There’s a good chance whatever you’re experiencing will come with anxiety, because anxiety accompanies uncertainty. Anxiety may be telling you you’re stepping out of the familiar routine of depression, so acknowledge your courage and try to bring such experiences forward in your journey.

The Tragic Cycle of "Overwhelm & Withdraw"

The Tragic Cycle of Overwhelm & Withdraw

adapted from LaShelle Charde

If you often feel overwhelmed and have a tendency to withdraw when stressed, then you may be wearing the "overwhelmed/withdrawn" face and inadvertently contribute to a reactive cycle.  

A gentle, engaging, and welcoming response from others is the best medicine for someone who has the reactive habit of feeling overwhelmed and withdrawing.  Unfortunately, the "overwhelmed/withdrawn" facial expression is one of the least likely ways to get this response.

The "O & E" face may reveal blank and frozen eyes, a lack of facial expression and a stiff body posture.   

When you wear the expression of overwhelmed/withdrawn, others often think one or more of the following:  

• You don't want connection and would rather be left alone.
• It will be a lot of work to connect with you.
• You will be boring.
• You think you are better than everyone else.

Acting on these thoughts others are more likely to forget you, ignore you, or avoid you.  This experience then reinforces the idea that you don't belong in the world, the world isn't a safe place to be you, and it is better to withdraw. Here begins the cyclic faulty thought reactive pattern.

You can intervene with this cycle in at least three ways:

First, practice noticing how you are holding your face and body. Invite yourself to soften, relax, and open your posture and energy.  

Second, anticipate events in which you are most likely to move into the overwhelm/withdraw reaction.  As you enter the event, practice engaging with others despite the impulse to withdraw.  Engagement can be as simple as making eye contact, smiling, walking towards others, saying "hello," and sitting without legs or arms crossed.

Third, out yourself whenever you can.  Let others know that you feel a bit overwhelmed and even though you might look like you aren't wanting to connect, you really welcome connection and are glad to be with the group.  This last bit of expressing what's really going on for you, is the fastest way to create a bridge between you and those around you.

Practice

If overwhelm and withdraw is a common pattern for you choose one of the three interventions listed above to practice with this week.  If this pattern describes someone you know, find one time this week to offer a gentle, engaging, and welcoming phrase or gesture.

Love