Love Again After the Narcissist = Equals = Loving Yourself First
by Lucy Wright
Loving someone who doesn’t love you back, who is only capable of loving themselves… is like waiting for a ship at the airport.
One of the happiest moments of life is letting go what you can’t change. Let. It. Go. Easier said than done when you’ve devoted yourself to, and tried so hard to love the self-absorbed.
When I was finally out of the marriage – and starting to discover who I was again – I asked my counselor how I would “not do it again.” How would I not find, not be attracted to, and not end up with, ever-ever-ever again, another Narcissist. Would I know the red flags? Being with a Narcissist was all I knew. My father. My NEx. How would I “not do it again.”
“You have to love yourself first” is what I heard.
What? Who? Me? Love Me?
I didn’t understand.
I had been a shell for so long. To remember who I was, I had to forget what he spent so many years telling me to be; what he spent so many years telling me who to be.
I was curious about “moving on” after the ExN, but I made a pact with myself to remain solo – just me, myself and I – for at least six months post getting out of my abusive relationship and having my divorce finalized.
Inwardly I knew I wasn’t ready to date. I was scared of the very thought of even trying to go out and meet a man for a cup of coffee and attempt to carry on any sort of thought-provoking, intelligent conversation. Who was I? What did I like to do? What were my goals? Where did I like to travel? After being told the answers to all of these questions for so long – you are this, we do this, we like to go here but not there – I couldn’t even answer these simple questions for myself, let alone think I might sound interesting to someone else.
Before the relationship with the ExN began, and even during the first few years we were together, I was social. I had confidence. I had a lot of friends. I was smart. I enjoyed reading and keeping up with world events. I kept myself in shape and I enjoyed wearing pink. I felt good.
I smiled.
Throughout the years I was married to N-him, I lost all of that. I had no friends, no confidence, and had to ask for validation and permission before making even the most simple, seemingly obvious decision.
He went to the gym. I stayed home with the kids.
I rarely left the house.
I wore dark sunglasses.
I never smiled.
……………………………
I knew I needed to learn to be Me again. But… who was Me?
……………………………
Fast forward six months when I finally took the leap to go for that cup of coffee. With a man.
I struggled, a lot, but I ended up learning about myself. And eventually I had some fun.
I was slowly figuring out who I was again. It took a long time initially, and the learning is still a work in progress. To this day, so many years later, I continue to struggle, at times, with who I am, who I was before, how I changed so drastically with N-him in order to survive, and how all of that affects me even to this day. Difficulty making decisions? What did I do wrong? Why doesn’t he understand what I’m trying to say? Why do I have so little self-esteem sometimes — still?
I took time to start learning to be me again. I am still learning.
………………………………
I have learned to love myself again after life with a Narcissist But I continue to have “triggers” from my past that cause me to doubt myself sometimes even now.
Bless my current husband for being patient with me. And understanding. Many times I don’t even know what is going to set me off – why I start crying, or what is said that revives some memory in my brain from the past, and causes my walls to go up so quickly.
Real men love you for who you are. They know your baggage, and they still love you anyway. They are caring, gentle and kind. They do not judge. They will never hurt you. They treat you with respect. And by standing by your side, through thick and thin, good and bad, better and worse, you, a survivor of domestic abuse, can finally begin to understand what it means to have trust in someone again… to love someone again.
I am a different person from who I was when abuse was my norm. I want my kids to know that there is no abuse in true, unconditional love.
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Learn to love yourself first.
Then find your ship – not the one at the airport – and determine your course forward.
Have some fun.
And when you are ready to…
Trust in Love again with someone else.
